Chapter 015: Denouncement (Of Sorts)

"Whatever's written in your heart

Is all that matters

You'll find a way to say it all

Someday..."

"Whatever's Written In Your Heart" - Gerry Rafferty

     At the time when I was first introduced to the Royal Family of Amber I got to spend some time with some of my Aunts and Uncles - mainly Benedict, Gerard, Flora and Fiona - who told me something of the insiders' history of Amber. I remember that when they told me of how Corwin had first found out about his son Merlin's existence, of whom he had till then been totally unaware, I had tried to imagine how he must have felt. The closest I could come to it was the feeling I had had when my Father had told me who my Mother was. Now that the same thing had happened to me I knew that it wasn't like that at all.

     What was it like then? I guess it was a very mixed feeling. On the one hand I did feel something of joy at the thought of having a son, even though I had not really reckoned on becoming a daddy just yet. I realised that if I were to have a son, I wanted to take care of him, to raise him in the same way as my Father had raised me, preferably with Suze's help. Yes, the thought appealed to me.

     On the other hand I felt a lot of anxiety rushing towards me. It seemed logical now that the child had been the real reason for Suze's abduction. Either they, the enemies, wanted my son as a hostage, or, even worse, they were already raising him themselves, probably forging him into a tool, a pawn set to move against Amber. I realised that Suze was right: I had to start looking for him, find him before it was too late.

     While I was sitting there totally dumbfounded, trying to process this new shocking information, Suzanne continued talking to me: "I was going to tell you, you know. That I was pregnant, I mean. But you had to leave all of a sudden, before I had even had a chance to think of a way to put it to you. After that I was very angry; it seemed as if I wasn't at all important to you!"

     I sighed. "I know," I said, "and, for what it's worth, I'm sorry."

     "Well," she said with a shrug, "when I had calmed down a bit I tried to call you, but you weren't there. So I wrote you a letter and I hoped that you would call me as soon as you came back.

     "After I had gone to sleep that night I was woken by some rather peculiar phenomenons: the television set started switching on and off seemingly of its own accord, and a few seconds later I thought I saw a lot of little, glowing, blue lines appearing. These started drifting together and began intertwining, forming a glowing, blue shape hovering in the air. It looked a bit like a giant blue macaroni.

     "At that point I thought that I must be on some wild trip or something, you know, but I was certain that I hadn't taken anything. Then it all became to much for me and I fainted. When I came to again I didn't know where I was, although I certainly wasn't in my own apartment anymore! I don't have any really clear memories of the time following that. I don't even know how long that was, although it must at least have been more than nine months, for I remember being in some sort of hospital and hearing a nurse saying something about my son. Our son! I asked for him, but they wouldn't show him to me!"

     She sounded really bitter as she said this and I could understand how she felt. I pitied for her, but at the same time there was a strong feeling of anger rising from deep inside me. They had no right to do this to us! They would pay! I would make sure that they would pay!

     Suzanne was quiet for a few moments, until she had calmed down somewhat. Then she continued: "My memories are all so hazy. I remember talking to someone about you, but I can't remember who it was, or even remember whether it was a man or a woman. After that I don't remember anything until I came to my senses in this city, with my ears all pointy and my skin a totally different colour, as I am now. I thought I had gone completely mad.

     "Fortunately the people here were really kind to me. They didn't know anything about London or Earth, or any of the other familiar names for that matter. I guess they must have thought me a little crazy. They told me that I probably suffered from amnesia and they helped me build a new existence here. That was five years ago..."

     Five years! Oh no, poor Suze! That's why she had said that I had certainly taken my time.

     "You mentioned something about my Family being involved," I said gently.

     "I don't know precisely," she sighed, "I think I heard someone mention your name and say something about family matters. I don't know if this was meant for my ears, but I heard it anyway. It seemed to be a man's voice... Oh, I just don't know! And I thought that my family was bad!"

     I gave her a couple of minutes to calm down again. She was right about the Family, though. Hers might be bad, but my relatives had had more time to develop their vices to the max.

     I looked at Suzanne: she projected some really fierce mixed emotions. She was glad to see me again, but she was also very angry and worried, probably about our son.

     "Look, Suze," I said, "I'm trying to understand how you feel, even though I know that I can't. You have got to realise, though, that I did spent all my time looking for you. Hell, I started searching for you as soon as I found out that you had disappeared. It's just that what has been five years for you has only been a couple of weeks for me."

     She looked up at me with a bewildered expression. "I don't understand anything of this! Why didn't you tell me about all of this before?"

     "I wanted to tell you, I swear I did. It's just that it isn't that easy to explain this kind of stuff. I'm sorry..."

     "This isn't one of those Twilight Zone-like things now, is it? Or is it, Dorian? Am I just lying in a hospital bed somewhere and are you there, sitting at my side talking to me? Or am I in some kind of asylum? Is that it?"

     She looked really haunted as she said this to me. I felt a bit of a shiver at her mentioning an asylum; it brought back memories of the asylum in Wittebrugh. Trying to sound as calm and soothing as I could I said to her: "No, Suze, this is real. We're really here."

     She sullenly returned my stare. "Well," she said, looking at Diana with an air of indignation, "I can see that you have not been in want of any company during those couple of weeks."

     I sighed. "I already told you, she's my cousin Diana. She agreed to help me find you." I turned to Diana. "Will you please try to explain some things to her? I mean, about the Family and Shadows and stuff? There's some other thing I have to check out first."

     Diana hesitantly agreed and while she started talking to Suze I sat down in a quiet little corner and started concentrating. There were indeed some things that I had to look into, but I also hoped that by giving Diana and Suzanne an opportunity to have a private conversation I might help ease Suzanne's feelings of hostility towards Diana. I hoped that when she came to know Diana a little bit better, like I had, she would maybe start to like her.

     As for those things I wanted to check out: the timeflow in this Shadow did indeed pass at such a great speed that Suze's five years corresponded to my couple of weeks. I also searched for that other presence I had felt earlier on, but it wasn't there anymore. Could it have been the person responsible for Suze's and our son's abduction? Or someone else? Don't know, insufficient data, and all that stuff... Sigh! I would like to get a few answers once in a while, if it was not too much to ask.

     I came out of my trance just in time to hear Diana say: "So that is how it all really is, as far as I understand it." I looked at Suze; her expression was one of unpleasant surprise, mixed with a feeling of shamelessly having been manipulated. It was as if she wanted to say: "Why me? I didn't ask for any of this." I went up to her and put my arms around her. It was the only thing I could think of that might help to comfort her. She didn't give the feeling of really being comforted, though. Very mixed feelings indeed.

     "Suze," I said, "I think that it might be best if I take you back with me to Amber."

     She started and looked me straight in the eye. "Why? What am I going to do in that place? Couldn't you just take me back to Earth? Back to my own home, to my friends, to the band?"

     "Well...," I hesitated for a moment and looked at her. "I guess I could do that if you really want me to."

     "Then please do." She looked at me pleadingly. "I mean, what else is there for me to do? This kind of weird stuff may be perfectly normal to you, but it's way above my head. I just don't want to get mixed up in it.

     "You know, I loved you once. Maybe I still do. I'm not sure. Maybe if things had gone differently... I think you may know how I feel. I know that I can't go on anymore, though. I just can't...

     "But please, do come to see me once in a while. I mean, there still is our son to consider, isn't there? I hope you will find him. I would dearly love to see him. And I know that I would love to see you too. But I can't be part of your life, not in that way..."

     I sat a few moments in silence. I realised that she was right; I had no right to ask her to stay with me. After all I hadn't been able to keep her from harm before. Maybe it was better this way. But it did hurt. It hurt like Hell...

     Finally I managed to say: "If that is what you truly want, I'll take you back to Earth." She nodded, looking sad, but also as bit relieved. At least she was going home.

     "Diana," I said, "I'm going to return Suzanne to Earth first. It might be a good idea for you to return to Amber and tell Random all that has happened. I'll contact you as soon as Suze's home and safe."

     She nodded, took out her Trumps, concentrated and vanished. Suzanne looked at me with a desperate and bewildered expression, but she soon regained her earlier mixed sad/joyful look. Apparently she had decided it was best to disregard any further strange happenings. I couldn't blame her.

     We picked up a few personal belongings at her place, then headed for the inn where the horses were stabled. Suze looked a bit fearful at them; I had totally forgotten that she had never learned how to ride. However, with a bit of difficulty we were able to get onto one horse together. I tied the other horse's reins to my own saddle, so it wouldn't get left behind. I was certain that Diana would not forgive me for losing another one of her horses.

     "What about these?" Suze asked pointing at her ears.

     "I'll try to do something about that while we're on our way," I replied. I had been wondering about that and I wasn't all that certain that I would be able to do anything to change the way she looked. I first had to try, though. It turned out to be quite easy to get Suzanne back to her regular form. All I had to do was start shifting and it more or less happened of its own accord. I realised that she would have reassumed her original shape anyway, just by staying close to me. This, however, worked a lot faster.

     We travelled for some time in total silence, save for the hoofbeats of our steeds. I had to concentrate on getting us to Earth, while at the same time making sure that we didn't go to fast, since I now had to worry even more than in the beginning with Diana about overburdening my companion's sanity. I also took pains to avoid possibly harmful Shadows; we only travelled through pleasant worlds, with no rain or snow or anything that might cause discomfort. It would take some time, but I knew it would be for the best.

      We had been travelling for quite a while when suddenly a familiar feeling came disturbing my concentration. I halted the horses, wondering who it might be. I figured it would either be Diana or Random. It turned out that I should have gone for the third guess.

     "Hello, Murlas," I said. "What's happened to you?"

     His appearance was rather unkempt, which was unlike the Murlas I had come to know: his clothes were tattered and torn, his hair was dirty and it probably hadn't been in the vicinity of a comb for more than a week by the looks of it, and his face was streaked with dirt. He managed a smile, though, seeming somehow really glad to see me.

     "Well," he said, "I can explain it all in but a few words: from where I currently stand I can see a white globe - or perhaps I should say The White Jewel - lying on the ground, with the Black Unicorn quietly grazing at but a few paces distance. Our campaign seems to be at an end. There are, however, a few problems.

     "For one, I have once again lost my Pattern abilities, due to coming too close to that Unicorn. I also seem to have lost most of my Trumps. As a result I'm more or less stuck here, wherever here might be.

     "I have already been in contact with Adrian, who promised to arrange some help. However, this was some time ago and I have not heard anything from him since. In the meanwhile I have been trying to get some of my Trumps back, but the Unicorn won't let me come near them. Yours was one of the few I have salvaged so far, and since I have already been waiting for several days out here I decided to give you a call."

     How did he do it? Get into these kinds of situations, I mean. Must be some kind of fatal attraction...

     As I was not immediately offering any useful commentary, Murlas just continued: "Getting passed the Unicorn will be something of a problem, but not an insuperable one, I think. Moving that Jewel to some other place is another matter altogether. I do not even know for certain where we are supposed to take the Jewel. Normally I would say to Amber, but in this case, with the Unicorn following the Jewel wherever it goes, this might not be such a good idea."

     "You're right," I said, a smile coming to my face despite my current depression. "I reckon we should probably bring it to that rift between our realities that Cerwen had told me about."

     "Seems a good idea, but how are we going to get it to that place?"

     "I don't know. I don't even know where that damned place is!"

     "I think that Black Trump would be of help here," Murlas said pensively. "I think that it originally comes from that different reality and that it might be used as a kind of portal. If only I could get my hand on it...

     "Martin is probably there right now. In that other reality, I mean. He jumped through one of those glowing Blue Macaronis and disappeared right before my eyes. He had told me earlier that he had reason to believe that Lisa is of the Blood of Amber too. I think, however, that she is from that other reality, since I saw her wield the White Jewel. And she did make a Blue Macaroni to escape, the one Martin jumped trough as well.

     "But to get back to the matter at hand, I think that the Black Trump would be the best way to transport the Jewel. The only problem is how does one get back once one has passed through it? Do you have any ideas?"

     "Not really. I'm afraid that I really can't be much of a help to you right now; I'm too much caught up in my own problems as it is. Best I can do is warn Random about the state of affairs and make sure that he sends some help. Do you know whether your Trump is still alright? I mean, it might be that your vicinity to the Unicorn and the Jewel causes some interference."

     "Good point. I do not know whether it is still in working order. Let us try and find out."

     "Alright, I'll call you back immediately. If you don't hear from me within half an hour, call me back."

     We broke contact and to my annoyance I felt another Trump call coming even before I could start looking for Murlas' Trump. Damn! Why now, of all times? Still, it might be important...

     It was: it was Murlas. Apparently he was in a very, very, VERY fast-time Shadow. We agreed to try again, but this time he would wait longer. Fortunately he did react immediately to my Trump call. He had to wait for half a day for me to call back, though.

     "You know," I said, "this big difference in elapsed time might account for Adrian not yet showing up with a rescue force. But then again the fact that he is in the Courts might also have something to do with it. I understand that time flows, if you pardon the phrase, really chaotically down there."

     "Yes, perhaps he will show up after all. Still, it would be a good idea to warn some of the others. Perhaps you could try to reach Alexander."

     I gave him a wry smile. "Just how am I going to do that? I don't have a Trump for him. As far as I know there isn't one at all."

     Murlas looked a bit surprised when he heard this, but he quickly recovered. We agreed that Random was the next best choice; he had to be warned anyway. I wished him luck and we parted.

     All the while Suzanne had been staring at some remote point on the horizon. I felt that she was somehow trying to shut out all of the things that might seem, for lack of better words, magic to her. She was a bit withdrawn and weary, and I could feel that above all she wanted to go home. I felt a certain amount of loss: somehow I think that she would have been more open to these things, if only the circumstances had been different. Now she didn't want to be involved at all, and there was nothing to be done about it. I sympathised with her and I would bring her home as soon as possible. First I had to make another call, though.

     I tried Random's Trump for a minute or two, but contact wouldn't come. Hmm, guess I'd better try someone else. I shuffled through my deck looking for a relative who was likely to be in or near Amber and who would warn Random for me without to much much of a hassle. Finally I settled on Uncle Gerard as one of the most trustworthy options available. Concentrate again and, after a few seconds, contact! Oops, it seemed that I had called him while he was asleep. He was looking at me in what seemed to be a somewhat bleery and confused way.

     "What?... Who?... Who's there?" he blurted.

     "It's only me, Uncle. It's Dorian." He visibly relaxed at that. It was only then that I realised how on edge he had been. Me waking him up like that probably had helped at all.

     Now that he was fully awake, he was all ears. I quickly told him about Murlas' situation, leaving out none of the details. When I finished my account he nodded and told me not to worry; he would take care of it, I could be sure of that. I thanked him a broke contact, going back to my own set of problems.

      Fortunately there were no more calls from relatives during the remainder of our journey. We left the horses in a quiet and secure Shadow near Earth, and walked the last bit till we came to Suze's old apartment, sometime in the middle of the night. I had shifted our clothes to the usual things: jeans, t-shirts, etc. Suzanne, however, gave no sign of having noticed this at all.

     When we entered her apartment she heaved a sigh. Everything was still as it had been when I had last been there, only a little more dusty.  She settled in a comfortable chair and looked around with a wistful expression.

     "This feels so strange," she said after a moment or two. "This is home, or at least it was a long time ago. To think that once upon a time I used to live here..."

     She jumped up again and wandered around restlessly, looking at the different objects that were once part of her life.

     I checked the date: almost half a year had passed since my last visit. I told Suze. She looked up at me.

     "I can hardly believe it," she said. "I don't know how to feel, really. On the one hand I'm happy to be home again. And yet... too much has happened. I don't know. I was glad to see you again, you know, but..."

     She shrugged, hesitated for a moment, then came up to me and put her arms around me. "Please," she whispered, "let's just pretend for a moment that it all never happened. Please..."

     We stood there for a short span of eternity, or so it seemed. I looked back on all the good times we had had together and sighed. Was this how it was going to end? Was this how it is always going to end? I felt sad and confused at the same time. And angry. Someone was going to pay. Oh, yes!

     "Will you stay the night?" Suze asked. "I just don't think I can stand to be alone right now."

     "Of course I will. It wouldn't do for me to leave right away." 

     "You know," I continued, "I've been thinking: maybe it's a good idea if I were to call Mike and try to explain to him what has happened. You need someone to help you adjust to your life here again and I think he's the right guy."

     "I guess it would help," she said after a moment's reflection. "Just wait till tomorrow before calling him."

     Later we lay together in her bed. Neither of us was thinking of sex, though. We we're both too tired and there were just too many mixed feelings. Even though Suze was indeed very tired, she didn't fall asleep right away. There was too much tension in her. Not that I had an easy time falling asleep, for that matter. So, in an effort to get us both to relax, I started telling her about Amber: about my childhood there, about my Father, and, after a while, also about my Mother...

     "So you never really knew her." It wasn't really a question, more a statement of fact. It was strange: here I was telling Suzanne all the things I would have liked to tell her later on in our relationship if all had gone well. It was my way of trying to explain things, I guess.

     "No, I never got to know her," I continued. "Still, I was lucky to have my Father. It's a pity things have gone the way they have; I would have liked for you to meet him, to get to know him."

     "Yes, I think I would have liked that too." She sighed. After a moment she said: "Tell me more about Amber. What's it like?"

     So I did. I described Amber to her in all its splendour. I told her of everything you might see while walking through the streets in the City of Cities. I must admit that I added some glamour here and there, focusing on the most wonderful sights and leaving out the ugly features, but, I mean, what would you do if you were to describe your hometown? How I would have loved to show it all to Suze, to watch the sun rise over the sea on a clear day, to see the majestic fleet depart, all those wonderful things. Telling her about these things didn't really come close. But I guess it was the next best thing.

     "It sounds really beautiful," she said.

     "It is," I said, "at least, it is to the common people."

     "And it's less beautiful for people like you?"

     "Well, you see, being a member of the Royal Family of Amber means that you have Power. Not just wordly power, but also some special Powers. You know what I'm talking about. Because of these Powers you tend to get involved in a lot of things. People become interested in you just because you're a member of the Royal Family and they sometimes decide to use you, even when you hardly know them or have never even met them before. In Amber almost everyone is playing their own kind of games and it's very hard - no, almost impossible - not to become a pawn in some of these games."

     "It doesn't sound like a lot of fun," she said with a frown. "You know, I used to dream of being a member of the Royal Family here in England, but at one time or the other I decided it wouldn't be worth it. From what you tell me I'd say that your Family in Amber is even worse."

     "In a way you're right. The real problem is that there is just no way to escape from the game. Once a member of the Royal Family, always a member of the Royal Family, or rather, once a pawn, always a pawn. The only way to step out of it is by dying or by making people think that you have died.  But that isn't an option anymore. Not for me..."

     "No, I guess not. Not now the stakes have just been raised..." After a moment of silence she asked: "Do you have any friends there in Amber?"

     "Yes, at least, I think so. My Father, for one, I consider to be my friend. He did a great job in raising me on his own. It must not always have been easy for him, but somehow he managed it. Then there's Uncle Jaro. He's my Father's younger brother and a member of the Royal Guard in the castle. A very practical man. He doesn't brood and worry on things too much, unlike me. He's good company. And I guess my cousin Adrian is also a friend. It's hard to say for sure in the Family, but I think that he really might be one..."

     "And Diana?" Suze asked.

     "Yes, you're right. Diana's a friend too."

     We talked a bit more about both Amber and Earth, until finally we fell asleep. When I awoke the next morning I slipped out of bed, leaving Suze asleep for a few more hours. She needed her rest. I dressed and decided to do some shopping, since the few foodstuffs that I found in the fridge were far from edible. As I asked Wylde to stay behind and keep an eye on Suze I suddenly noticed that she was pacing the floor in a rather restless manner.

     "What's wrong?" I asked feeling suddenly on guard. After all they had found their way to this apartment before.

     "Don't know," Wylde replied. "It's just that I have this feeling that we don't have too much time left."

     "Time for what?"

     "As I said, I don't know. It's just a feeling."

     "Alright, I'll hurry, but I hope you can see that I can't leave just yet."

     She miaowed an assent and jumped onto my lap. Stroking her made us both feel a little bit more at ease.

     When I returned to the apartment with two bags full of groceries Suzanne was sitting in her favourite chair with a vacant expression. She was idly stroking Wylde, who wasn't happy with the situation (she had never been too fond of Suze), but who realised that it was probably for the best.

     "Good morning," I said, "I see you're already up and about."

     "Yes..." she smiled a wan smile.

     "I bought us some breakfast and some other essentials. I'll call Mike in a minute and then we can have a quiet meal together."

     "That's okay. Tell me, what day, or month, or year is it anyway?"

     So I told her. She looked at me in wonder. "It is strange, all the same. Do you think that they have already found a new singer to replace me?"

     "I don't know. Last time I was here Mike said that they would start looking as soon as possible."

     "Well, I don't know yet whether I want to rejoin the band or not. It was a lot of fun and we were on the right track, but so much has happened to me. I just don't know whether I'm going to fit in again."

     "I think you should give it a try. Try to pick up your old life as much as possible."

     "You may be right," she sighed. Then she smiled: "Maybe I'll just do what other rockstars do. I mean, there's got to be a heck of an album in here somewhere. And fantasy is in these days, isn't it?"

     "Yes," I said, "and so is private grief. But if you do decide to use it all for a new album, then please do me one favour: leave Amber out of it. A lot of my relatives tend to spend some time on this world, and the name Amber might attract a lot of unwanted attention."

     "You're right: I definitely do not want to attract the attention of any Amberite again. Well," she added with a smile, "maybe I'd like to attract your attention once in a while."

     I smiled back at her and kissed her brow. At least she didn't hate me for the way things had turned out.

     As I dialled Mike's number I checked the time: just a little passed noon. Right! Knowing Mike he'd probably have just woken up. Indeed, he picked up the phone after the fifth ring.

     "Hi Mike," I said, "it's Dorian." That caught his attention.

     "Dorian, man, where have you been? How long have you been back?"

     "I just returned last night. Look, Mike, can you come over? I've got some things that I need to talk about."

     "Sure, that's alright. Where are you now?"

     "At Suze's place."

     "Suze's...? She's with you, man? You found her?"

     "Yes, she's here. That's what I wanted to talk about."

     "Don't move! I'll be there in a moment!"

     And so he was. He must have run all the way from his apartment to Suze's, a mean feat for someone like Mike. Totally out of breath he hugged first Suze and then me. Finally we settled down with some breakfast and tea, and I began telling him all that had happened to Suzanne and me.

     I had decided to tell Mike the complete truth, because I felt that Suze would need somebody to understand how she really felt so as to help her find her role in life again. So I left out nothing and I didn't spare myself in any way. The truth was a harsh affair and I felt that I was at least partly to blame for it all.

     Mike had a hard time believing me, though. I remembered that he was something of an agnostic, mainly believing there to be something more than just the physical things of life, but never defining these things. I could understand someone like that being very sceptical of anyone who came to him with proof of these so-called magical things. Even though I felt that I could use the powers of my mind to add some extra weight to my words and help me convince him, or show him what could be done with Shadow shifting or Trumps, I declined from using these things. From what had happened to Suzanne I had learned what a shattering effect something like that might have on a person's world-view. No need to do that to Mike.

     "Wow, man," he said when I had finished, "you're not making this up, are you? I can hardly believe it all. Other worlds and magic and... and stuff!"

     "No, I'm not kidding. Do you think I would make up such a complex story just to hide a simple truth? You know I would never do such a thing. You have got to realise that this has not exactly been a picknick for Suze. For you a couple of months have passed, but for her it has been over five years since she was abducted. And she had a baby which was taken from her. She needs someone at her side, a shoulder to lean on. And I can't stay. I've still got a lot of things to do. I've got to find our son... That's why I'm telling you all of this. She needs you, man. Please help her."

     "We'll see," he said after a moment. "I mean, of course I'll help Suze. You can bet on it!" He turned to her: "Do you want to rejoin the band?"

     "I don't know yet," she said. "Is the position still vacant or have you already found a replacement?"

     "Well, we're in the last few stages of auditioning a few people. There are a couple of candidates to choose from, but I can always ask the others how they feel about it. I mean, you were a part of our team, and it is not as if you decided to leave of your own accord, now is it?

     "I think it would be best if you came to stay at my place for a while. You don't want to be alone, do you? I'll just have to ask Maggie, but I think it will be alright with her as well. I mean, you being a friend and all."

     Both Suze and I were very surprised at Mike mentioning a person named Maggie who was apparently living with him. After a bit of prodding he reveiled that Maggie was his girlfriend! Was this the same Mike that I had left behind but a few months ago? The Mike who always had only eyes for his guitar and for not much else? Funny how people can change like that.

     I noticed that Suze had become a bit more animated since Mike had arrived, and all this talk about something as ordinary as girlfriends helped a lot. I couldn't be sure, but I had a feeling that she would be alright. She was a tough lady, and although she had been through a lot her spirit hadn't been broken by the events. Tough and resilient, that was my Suze!

     Sigh. I had to go. Things to do, places to go, people to visit, a son to find. Mike left us for a moment to give us the opportunity to say our goodbyes in private. We hugged and remained like that for a long time. Finally she asked me whether I would come to see her once in a while.

     "Of course I will. I can't say when, but I promise that I'll be back, hopefully with our son. The boy should have a chance to meet his mother, shouldn't he?"

     "Yes," she said, "I would like to see him."

     We released one another. I picked up my things and hugged Mike on my way out.

     "Good luck, man," he said, "and don't you worry about Suze. I'll take good care of her."

     "I know you will. Luck."

     Finally I was alone again. Except for Wylde, that is. I noticed that she had still been somewhat nervous in the apartment and now that we were alone it even seemed to have become worse.

     "What's the matter? Still that feeling of running out of time?"

     "Yes," she said glancing around her, "but I also feel as if someone is watching us."

     "What? Who? And how?"

     "I don't know. And it's strange. Normally I only feel it when somebody has ill intentions towards you, but with this person it feels as if he hasn't made up his mind yet. He is still considering whether to become your enemy or not..."

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