Chapter 031: Deirdre's Story

 

"Did someone

Hurt you when

You were small?

In your life

Did someone

Tell you lies?

Kept under secret

All of these years

Roarin' like a lion

Are your fears

Flowin' like an ocean

Are your tears

Kept under secret

All of these years

You've been hiding away..."

 

Leviathan - Z

 

     "So how do you feel?" I asked in an effort to break the awkward silence that lay between us. She looked at me with a guarded expression and I met her gaze in much the same way. Deirdre. My mother. There was so much to talk about, so much I wanted to tell her, so much I wanted her to explain. We both realised, however, that the order in which we would discuss things would be crucial for determining the outcome. So we had been mentally circling one another, waiting for a sign to see which way we would go, until I had tried to break that pattern just now with my (hopefully) innocent inquiry.

      She had come to about two days earlier. Gerard had trumped me as soon as she had, so I had been one of the first to see her, besides Random and Corwin. She had still been very weak, though, and there hadn't really been any chance of talking. I had held her hand for a few moments and she had smiled at me. She had seemed glad to see me. At Gerard's insistence we had all left after a relatively short time, leaving her alone to rest. As we had stepped out of the room and I had sent a servant off to warn Diana, Caine had suddenly appeared as well, determined to see his sister. Our eyes had met for a moment, but I had quickly looked away, trying to simply ignore him. His behaviour would certainly be one of the things I wanted to take up with my Mother.

      During the following days I had occasionally checked up on her. She was being rather a nuisance to poor old Gerard, who really only had her best interests at heart. She hadn't wanted to stay in the Infirmary, though, despite all his protests, and she had had the servants clean her rooms as soon as she felt able enough to boss them around. In the end she had agreed to stay just one more night under Gerard's watchful eye, before once again taking up residence in her own private domain. Actually, I don't think she had much of a say in it: my Mom may have a rather dominating personality, but I think that if she hadn't acquiesced to Gerard's wishes, he would simply have kept her there by sheer physical force. Gerard's just the kind of doctor who hates to see his patients walk off before they've had more than enough time to recover properly.

     The fact that Mum was out of the Infirmary didn't mean that she wasn't taking care of herself, though: she still spent a lot off time resting and had all her meals brought up to her room. Of course the whole Family, or at least those relatives currently residing in Amber, graced her with a short visit; even Aunt Flora went round to pay her regards. This visit of mine wasn't just a courtesy call to see how she was doing, though, and we both knew it.

     So here I was and there she was, still looking at me, still sort of fathoming the hidden meanings behind my simple inquiry. Or was it that simple? And what kind of answer did I really expect?

     "Well, it's been all so long," she finally said. "It's like waking up from a very long, very deep sleep, both this time and the one before." I knew she was hinting at her waking up in Diana's body in Caine's castle. "Everything I can remember, though," she continued, "seems like strange, hazy dreams and echoes. I'm not really sure what was real and what wasn't. I do remember the ultimate battle with Chaos and some things of that final confrontation with Brand. Some of the others have filled me in on some of the details, but I can't remember the very last part. Caine has told me that falling into the Abyss must have somehow transported me to another reality, but I don't know whether I was really conscious during all of that. I don't think it would have been a picknick, either way. The first thing I do remember after that is the intermezzo in Caine's castle." I frowned. "You still feel troubled over that?" she asked with a serious expression.

     "I should think so," I said. I still felt that that was where my problems had really started.

     "Ah, well, I too have my doubts about how things have gone, but what can I say? It did work in the end, didn't it? We're all still alive. Besides, perhaps I know Caine a little better than you do. I guess that does make a difference here."

     "Hmph," I sniffed loudly, indicating that I already knew Caine well enough, thank you very much, and that I had no inclination whatsoever of getting to know him any better. Deirdre frowned briefly, then she went on studying me for quite some time. I knew that look, I had seen it before on the faces of other relatives. It was the look people gave you when they were considering how much they were going to tell you. Just when I was starting to wonder whether I was still Dorian or whether I had just turned into some kind of interesting specimen for her to study, her expression shifted to determined and a little bit grim.

     "I hear that you've made quite some progress in the field of controlling the Pattern and such," she said. I nodded, a bit confused about the sudden turn in our conversation. What was this leading up to?

     "I would appreciate it if you would be so kind to form a Pattern shield around this room," she said. "I'm afraid that I'm simply not strong enough to do it myself. It takes some concentration to maintain it constantly."

     I looked at her, feeling a little bit helpless. I did have some idea of what she wanted me to do, I just didn't have a clue of how to actually do it. She noticed my hesitation and quickly showed me how. It turned out to be relatively easy once you knew how to get started. You simply took hold of the Pattern and started weaving its lines in the shape of the kind of shield you wanted. Once the first couple of lines were in place, the rest of the shield sort of formed of its own accord. It was a really useful trick to be able to do. Deirdre told me it was a bit like Pattern sorcery, only on a more basic level. She had done some experimenting in this field in the past and she had got quite adept at it. She thought that Fiona might also be able to do these kind of things, but not many of the others could.

     "The walls still have a lot of ears around this place," she said, "that's where a trick like this comes in handy." I smiled a bit wryly, thinking of how easily Fiona had picked up on my affair with Diana.

     "I have decided to tell you a couple of things, which I think are in you best interest too," Deidre continued. "But first, what have they told you about me?" I looked vaguely embarrassed. "Not only good things, I see. Tell me everything, though, and don't worry too much. It might even all be true."

     And so I told her. She smiled when she heard me describe the way Corwin saw her, but when I came to Fiona's story her expression turned more pensive.

     "who told you that last part?" she asked when I had finished. "No, don't tell me," she said, "let me guess: it must have been Fiona." I gave her a sort of half-shrug, half-nod of confirmation.

     "She seems to have picked up more than I had thought anyone had, but then she always was very perceptive. She doesn't know the basis of the whole problem, though, or if she does she hasn't told you." She sighed. "Actually, you'll be the first I'm going to tell this to, although Caine probably knows or suspects most of it." She stared fixedly at her teacup for a couple of minutes. I watched her, a feeling of expectant aprehension creeping over me. That line of me being the first to hear this could of course be a ruse, making it all sound much more important, but I wasn't sure. She sounded really grave and sincere.

     "Well," Deirdre said, shaking herself from her reverie, "I don't know how this is going to turn out either, but here goes. I guess it all started with Oberon. I hear he's dead now, died to save Amber, they say." She fell silent for a moment, then she burst out: "How I hated that man!" Well, that certainly took me by surprise. Although none of my aunts or uncles had ever shown too many kind feelings for their father and erstwhile king, they had never shown such strong negative emotions either. Sure, everybody had had at least a few gripes about the old guy, but (relative) outsiders always got the picture of the larger than life king he supposedly had been. Deirdre was very serious, though, and I recalled how none of my uncles or aunts had ever said anything bad about her either, and she had been assumed to be dead too.

     "As you know," she continued, "my mother's name was Faiella. I was her fourth child, Eric, Corwin and Caine being the other three. I was the youngest, her only daughter, and her last child. She died giving birth to me... I can't even remember her! Everything I do know about her is second hand, mostly from Caine. He was still very young when she died. It seems that during her last few years Faiella had been well on her way of losing her mind. At the time of my birth she must have already been quite far gone. They say Oberon was inconsolable when she died, they say he was crazy about her. When she died... Well, that's a part we never could find out in its entirety. In the end he might even have killed her himself...

     "The problem started with Cymnea, Oberon's previous wife. Just before Caine was born she committed suicide, and with her dying breath she lay a curse on Faiella. Our information is quite vague at this point, but we have reason to believe that both Osric and Finndo were involved in this too. It could be the thing that in the end brought their own demise a lot closer..." She fell silent for a while, thinking back to all those things that had happened so long ago. I myself didn't really know where to begin. This thing was just too large to simply take in as a whole.

     "Why do you believe that Oberon might have killed Faiella himself?" I asked Deirdre.

     "Because of the curse and the effects it had on her. Actually, I don't know exactly what it did to Faiella, but I know all too well what it does to me, and I guess it must have been even worse for her. When I was very young I really wasn't aware of anything being amiss. Until my twelfth year I was a normal, care-free and happy child. With Caine things started to go wrong a bit earlier, though. He was around during Faiella's last few years and he witnessed her condition deteriorate. He says he can't remember everything, but I'm sure it has made quite an impression on him.

     "As a child Caine was always very withdrawn and shy. He wasn't as physically oriented as Corwin and Eric. They were the hope and promise for the future of Amber, especially Corwin, and as such Oberon paid a lot more attention to them than he did to Caine. Left to his own devices, Caine started brooding. The truth was that in a lot of things he couldn't live up to the example of his two elder brothers, which was a disappointment to Oberon. I think he has grown up to be very bitter because of that..." Again she fell silent. I felt some of her tension and realised that she was coming to the hardest part of the story. I didn't dare to guess. I waited patiently until she finally picked up where she had stopped.

     "When I was twelve..." She faltered again. "I still don't know why," she said. "I don't know why. People said I looked a lot like Faiella... It could have been the curse... Oberon never really got over her...

     "Anyway," she said, strengthening her resolve, "one night Oberon was drunk and... he raped me... I was terrified of course. He was very emotional. He even hit me and cried that I shouldn't leave him, that he loved me so much... I was only twelve years old! What was I to do? He was my father and I loved him, but..." She swallowed. "It went on for years after that," she said. "At first nobody was aware of what was happening. Eric and Corwin only had eyes for each other, always competing; they didn't see. Caine was the one to first pick up some of the signals. Caine and I were reasonably close, I guess. I never laughed at him. I think he was very shocked when he found out the truth. He told me that it wasn't right, that I should fight it. We were both quite afraid of confronting Oberon, though, so Caine advised me to seek Corwin's support. Cowin was Oberon's favourite and he was very open and caring, so I sought out his protection. He never knew why I came to him, and it didn't really matter, for I genuinely liked him a lot. He was my big brother, the warrior and the poet, the shining figure I could look up to. So with his help I turned myself into the lady that he could protect and serve and who he could sing his ballads to. He simply became my champion.

     "To be short about it: it worked. Oberon apparently didn't want Corwin to find out what he had been up to, so I was able to avoid him from then on. After a while he fortunately seemed to get over his obsession and shortly after that he married Clarissa. He never ever talked to me about what had happened. I thought that I was free from him, but his... I don't know. Emotionally I was a mess. Somehow everything that had happened had only intensified the effects of the curse. After all, I was Faiella's only daughter. At first I didn't realize that anything was wrong, it was only later that I found out about the curse. The curse took the form of a undeniable, absolutely uncontrollable sexual passion. That's what the story you heard from Fiona is all about. She wasn't that far off. I tried everything I could do to keep it under control, but it didn't work. Then when I had walked the Pattern for the first time... No, I won't tell you everything I've done. There were certain periods when I nearly went insane. I must have had thousand lovers or more in those days. Many of them died, which is a part of the curse I think.

     "Every time I was in Amber I hid behind Corwin's presence and it turned into a kind of a habit. I didn't want Oberon to touch me ever again. In a way it was funny, for he was just about the only one I didn't want to go to bed with. And I could never do it with Corwin of course. I tried my best to keep my real life from him as much as I could. I was his lady, the one he had to protect. If he had known the truth he would have dropped me like a stone. I couldn't let that happen, I needed him. It was good to have at least one person who treated me with a certain kind of dignity. In those days I had a pretty low image of myself, a total lack of self esteem.

     "It was because Caine came to me... He was the first one to accept me the way I really am. He too felt the effect of the curse, but not as strongly. He knew about Faiella's end, though, and together we set out to find out as much as we could. I still feel very grateful for his help. Caine may have some faults, some demons of his own, but to me he was a real saviour. He was also the first lover who could give me something in return. He was strong enough to handle it. With him I managed to build up a lot of my self esteem again, and it also gave me a degree of control over myself.

     "Caine and Corwin avoided one another. They both belonged to a different part of me. I guess I have never really tried to put things right with them, but it was okay like that. I had a pretty hard time when Corwin disappeared, but I just took care to stay away from Amber most of the time, and Caine helped me see it through. When Oberon disappeared as well and didn't come back I felt absolutely elated. Then the war came and Caine joined up with Eric's side. At first that wasn't that much of a problem. Eric and I never could get along that well, but that was mostly due to my dependence on Corwin's support than on any real dislike. When Corwin returned, however, things got kind of ugly, for I couldn't help him too much without upsetting Caine. I tried my very best to keep out of the whole conflict as much as possible, as much as it hurt me to see Corwin get thrown into the dungeons. Once he was there, however, I couldn't help him anyway. Then he escaped and returned to Amber just in time to see his eternal rival Eric die. Immediately after that it looked as though Caine had died. I was very upset about that, but he contacted me soon after the event and told me what had happened. He didn't tell anyone else, but he had to tell me. Caine and I need each other on a certain level to keep control over the curse and our lives. He never told me he was planning to kill Corwin, though. As for the rest, you know what happened. When the final battle came, I dressed up in my armour and joined he fray. I've never shirked from such kind of physical activities. It's a way to keep one's mind from one's problems, I guess. The rest you know..."

     I was very, very silent for quite a long time. I didn't doubt that she was telling the truth, not for a moment. You cannot simply make up a story like this. It explained too much: Caine's behaviour, Corwin's misguided opinion of her, my own problems with Diana. I sighed.

     "I guess you understand why I've told you all of this," she said.

     "I could think of several reasons," I replied.

     "Of course there are. For one thing I wanted you to be aware of the curse. And perhaps I had also hoped to moderate your feelings towards Caine a little bit. I know they are pretty strong."

     "I think you have managed to add some nuances to those feelings," I said," but..."

     "I know," she said. "I don't want to justify what he did to Diana. I don't think there can be any justification for that at all. But it was one of the few ways to bring me back, perhaps the only one. It must have been very hard on him. I know the curse doesn't lie as strongly on him as it does on me, but the last ten years must have really hurt him quite hard. I have seen too much of the madness that goes with the curse to be able to judge anyone else for such behaviour." The way she talked about it she made it sound like some kind of hard-drug addiction. Very, very ugly.

     "Didn't the curse touch Eric and Corwin as well?" I asked.

     "No, not really. They've both always had a rather active love life, but both of them were already born before Faiella was cursed. Another thing is that the curse may have a stronger effect on women, but I'm not certain about that."

     "I do fear that it is true, though," I said. She nodded.

     "I'm afraid that the second ritual has triggered the curse in both you and Diana. I'm sorry." I felt her compassion was sincere, but at the same time I was aware that she might have known that this was going to happen and that she wouldn't have let it stop her if she had. I shivered. Not a nice thought, but then the truth seldom is.

     "I have to say," she continued hesitantly, "that I think that there would have been a trigger at a certain point anyway. How are you doing at the moment?" I told her everything that had happened between me and Diana after that second ritual, and at Deirdre's insistence I also told her about my sexual habits, such as they were. The only thing I left out was my little get together with Wylde. This didn't seem like a particular good occasion to tell her that there might be more grandchildren on their way.

     I realised, though, that I had indeed been more sexually active lately, when I had the time that is. Between spending some time here in the city and going to see my duchy these last few weeks I had entertained quite a few ladies. Deirdre estimated that the curse might grow a little stronger with me than it currently was, but it would never get to her level. Maybe it would be as strong with me as it was with Caine, maybe a bit less, since I was of a later generation than he was. She warned me to take great care with choosing my partners, though, since most of hers had died during the act. It could be a simple matter of constitution really, but she wasn't too sure. However, her intuition told her that this part of the curse probably wouldn't hold for me. I sincerely hoped not, and the fact I had left all of my partners in relatively good health gave me some hope in this matter. Deirdre added to this that the stronger your partner was, the more control you gained from the act. That explained why she and Caine had been able to help each other that much.

     I asked her about Diana, thinking about the way she had been the last few times I had seen her. Deirdre agreed that she wasn't handling this too well. With Diana the tension just kept on building up and she had no real way to release it except for me.

     "Is there no way to lift this curse?" I asked, feeling a bit desperate.

     "We have never found one so far. However, until recently the existence of the Courts was unknown to us. I have gathered that Cymnea had gone to stay there after she had left Amber, so maybe we could find a solution somewhere over there. Some curses are relatively weak, but the fact that she committed suicide for this one makes it really, really strong. Besides, Cymnea wasn't just anyone. Still, there is more than enough reason to look into it. The House Wysternion might still provide us with some answers." That was Myrthe's family in the Courts. She had sprung to mind, but it seemed that Mum was already quite well-informed. "I do know a little bit about curses like these," she continued. "I sincerely hope this one isn't like that..." She stopped and showed no sign of finishing her thought. I don't think I really wanted to know.

     "What are you going to do now?" I asked.

     "In what way do you mean?" she said.

     "Oh, I don't know. It's just that things are so much different now from what they used to be."

     "That's true. Oberon's gone for one thing. That is very nice. Caine is back, Corwin is back. I don't know. Maybe I'll simply revert to my old habits, the old triangle. I do really want to spend some time with Corwin. It's been so long since we really were together. First he disappeared, then there was the war. Perhaps I might even help him with this new task he has set for himself." I looked at her questioningly at that last remark, but she just smiled enigmatically, so I just turned to another thing that needed sorting out.

     "What about Father?" I asked.

     "Yes," she said with a smile, "he really loved me." She got a bit dreamy look in her eye. "Of course he noticed that I was haunted by something, but he never knew the what, how, or why of it. I never told him about it; it's Family business. Still, it felt very good to be with him. It was one of my longest lasting relationships, but it was only just before the whole situation escalated. With Oberon gone from Amber it was good to live with Vilcon for a while, but when Eric took the throne I simply had to leave. I didn't want him to get caught up in a nasty situation, whichever way it had gone. It was safer to leave, for both of you. It's not that I didn't love you, but the situation was just too dangerous. At that moment Vilcon could give you more than I could. I had always hoped to be able to introduce you as my son to the rest of the Family after the crisis was over."

     Once more I spent a while in silence, taking it all in. When I met her gaze again I smiled.

     "I've missed you," I said.

     "Me too," she replied and I could sense some of her relief. She reached out and clasped my hand, her expression both smiling and a bit sad. "You can tell from my story that I'm not what you would call an ideal mother," she said.

     "Well," I said, also smiling, "I don't know whether anyone in the Family would qualify as an ideal parent."

     "Probably not. Most of us are a bit reluctant at becoming a parent. No wonder really. Still, I do think that some of them would do a pretty good job, if they really tried. Maybe Random will provide us all with a good example. Someone like Gerard would be a really good father, I think. He already makes quite a habit of taking care of people. On the other hand it wouldn't surprise me if there weren't some more children who have been raised away from Amber. Considering the period of instability we've just been through and all. Oh, you know how it is."

     A bit embarrassed I glanced at my empty teacup. Fortunately it had been slowly growing dark for some time now, and Deirdre misinterpreted my glance and made to fill my cup again. Good, I really didn't want to tell her about Wylde just yet. Then a thought hit me: could she have been hinting at having any other children in Shadow? Did I have some brother or sister I wasn't aware of? More of them even? Nah. I quickly discarded the thought. If I had had any other siblings, Caine wouldn't have gone through all that trouble with Diana to bring Deirdre back.

     "I'm going to order some dinner in a moment," Deirdre said. "Will you stay and join me?"

     "I'd like that, yes." She went off to give some instructions to a servant and when she returned I asked her: "What are you going to do now with regard to Dad?"

     "I don't know," she replied. "It also depends on what he wants. I would like to keep in touch with him, but I don't know whether I could enter into that same relationship. So much has happened..."

     I told her how much Dad knew of what had happened, and how he had reacted to the news of her sudden return. I also less than subtly hinted at my wishes to keep him out of the Family business and out of trouble as much as possible.

     "Oh, don't worry about that," she said, "I certainly don't want him to get involved in that. If I do contact him again, it will be purely personal, and maybe too much has changed. Who can tell about such things? We'll just see what happens."

     After that final point we didn't discuss anything really important. I ceased concentrating on our shield and in a few seconds it had collapsed, vanishing without a trace. During our dinner I regaled her with some of my adventures. She was good company, and now that we were both more at ease I noticed how much she really resembled Diana. That I had never realized this when I first met Diana will always amaze me.

     Another thing which I also realised was even more unnerving than that uncanny resemblance: it was my Mother's overwhelming sensual presence. I felt that if I spent too much time in her company she could bring me to the point where I would do anything. I wondered whether this was merely the influence of the curse, or her experience coming into play as well. I resolved myself, however, to keep a bit of a distance lest the temptation would become too great. It was bad enough just having a relationship with one's daughter!

     At my suggestion Deirdre spent some time with Diana during the next couple of days, not only to get to know each other a little bit better, but also to have a look at the state Diana was in. When we met again, she wasn't too happy about her granddaughter's condition.

     "The poor girl is really messed up," she said, "and not really in the mood to talk to anyone. Caine has raised her in some kind of Puritan Shadow, and as a result of that her relationship with you has turned into quite a moral problem for her. She's not ready to discuss it with anyone, least of all an outsider, and I'm afraid she does think of me as one. I would like to help her, but I think it's going to take quite some time.”

     "I've heard that she's got to be quite close to Corwin," she said with a smile. "He's showing some fatherly feelings for her, which is good. We have to keep in mind, though, that Corwin doesn't know anything about the curse and I want to keep it that way. Nobody must know about this." This clearly wasn't a suggestion or a request, this was a command. However, I had to agree with her. There wasn't anyone we could trust with such information.

     "I agree," I said, "but with one possible exception: Diana."

     "Of course, but we have to be careful with her. Aside from her problems with you, she's got another huge mental block with regard to Caine. We have to keep an eye on her and slowly start working on resolving her mental dilemmas. I think that Diana will have to loosen up a bit, physically speaking. She has got to cross that barrier and just let go. Her relationship with you is much too tense at the moment, though, so that's not the solution."

     "But at the moment she has no other way of releasing those sexual tensions," I protested. "How much more can she take before she...?"

     "There's no way to tell." Deirdre looked a bit pensive for a moment, then she asked me: "Do you trust me in this matter?"

     "Yes," I replied. She knew a lot more about this thing than I did.

     "Okay," she said, "then I'll try to arrange something..." She didn't tell me what she was planning, from which I got the freeling that it might be something I would not like, but I had said that I trusted her to help with this problem, so... I just hoped that her solution wouldn't cause too many new problems.

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