Chapter 052: Him, The Snake And I
"Laughter
in the backbone,
Laughter impossibly wise,
That same laughter that always comes
Every time I flash on that look in your eyes
Which whispers of a black zone
Which'll mock all my credos as lies,
Where all logic is done
And time will smash every theory I devise.
And the hour-glass is shattered
Only by the magic of your touch
And where nothing really matters...
- No, nothing matters very much!
The Siren Song - Peter Hammill
It's the very nature of a deja vu to catch you by surprise, but this time
the surprise was just a bit too sudden for me: one moment there was nothing, and
the next the way ahead was completely blocked by what could only be described as
a swirling black cloud. My mind immediately raced back to our adventures in
Angel City, way, way back when I had only narrowly avoided contact with such a
thing, but then I realised that although this phenomenon was rather similar to
the one I had seen through the Trump contact it wasn't the same thing. The thing
which this black cloud reminded me most of was a hurricane or a maelstrom seen
with a bird's eye view. I would have heaved a sigh of relief, if I didn't have
this feeling that this particular kind of black cloud didn't bode very well
either.
"Hmmm," Taureth muttered beside me. He started concentrating,
as did Samal. "I feared as much," Taureth concluded, "a
concentration of Black Shadows."
"We might have expected something like this would happen,"
Samal said, "considering the recent amount of instability." I glanced
curiously from one to the other, but I failed to catch their eye. "How
powerful do you think this concentration is?" Samal asked.
"Hard to say," Taureth replied.
"I don't want to interrupt you or anything," I said, "but
can anyone just explain to me what we're looking at?" They both turned to
me with rather surprised expressions.
"Have you never heard anything about this in Amber?" Taureth
asked.
"I can't say that I ever heard the term Black Shadows before,
no," I replied.
"Well," he said, "there isn't too much to explain. It's a
phenomenon that occurs sometimes when a large group of Shadows are clustered
very close together. Such massive concentrations of Shadows start to have a life
of their own, so to speak, revolving around a centre and sometimes drawing in
more and more Shadows." Why, oh why, did the term black hole suddenly occur
to me? I was not sure that I liked this. "There are several things which
can cause something like this to happen," Taureth continued, "and the
current state of the Logrus would certainly be one of them. It is possible for
people to pass through such an area of Black Shadows, but it is rather
dangerous. The effects within the Shadows involved are quite peculiar and
unfortunately very unpredictable... Are you quite sure, though, that Dworkin
never experimented with this peculiarity? The overall results may be very
interesting, if applied sparingly."
"What are these actual effects you keep referring to?" I asked.
"It would help if I had some more details?"
"I only passed through such a zone once," he said, "but
that was quite an experience. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't as
mentally capable; it takes a strong will to ignore or discard all the
possibilities that are on offer in a Black Shadow zone, all the might-be's and
would-be's." Aha, this sounded a lot more familiar to me. It would appear
that Dworkin had experimented with this thing after all. Only we didn't call
them Black Shadows, we had another name for it.
"Yes," I said, "I think I know what you're talking
about."
"Oh, these Black Shadows are worth looking into," Taureth said.
"A lot of them were formed in the swirls and movements that followed right
after the creation of the Pattern. Unfortunately, I never really had the time to
study them closely."
"There's one apparently stable area near Amber," I said.
"We Amberites use it mainly to gain some insight in the possible paths that
are open to us at critical moments. It is called Tir-na Nog'th."
"Intriguing," Taureth observed. "I do know that certain
Houses use it as some kind of rite of passage. After all, admittance to the
Logrus is somewhat limited, while the Black Shadows are more or less available
for everyone. Still, it doesn't mean that everyone comes out of them
alive."
"I assume that there is no way for us to pass around them, is
there?" I sighed.
"No," Taureth said. "Most probably the Logrus is
completely surrounded by these areas. It would seem that there's not much we can
do but prepare for the worst and concentrate on reaching the Logrus. I can't
predict what will happen when we enter the zone together, though, since I have
never heard of it having been tried before. It could be that we will completely
lose sight of each other once we're inside; we may be in there all three of us
at the same time, but that doesn't automatically mean that we'll actually run
into each other."
"Okay, enough said. Lots of luck and see both of you on the other
side." Curses, curses, curses! If it wasn't one thing, it was another:
instead of ordinary flesh-and-blood guards we suddenly had to face a collection
of our own personal phantoms. Just the thing to do before repairing the Logrus!
There was barely enough time for taking a deep breath, before we stepped forward
into the black maelstrom. There was no pull, however, just darkness and complete
silence.
Black... Dark...
Like swimming in a sea of ink. I walk on, but I can't hear my own footsteps, nor
can I tell whether I'm really advancing or not. Suddenly, a blue-ish light,
right in front of me. Weak at first, but steadily growng stronger, and then
larger too. There doesn't seem to be anything else, though, just me and the blue
circle. As I get closer little blue drops of light start dripping from the thing
onto the ground, as if it is melting... Now it's right in front of me. I
consider touching it, then discard the idea as too dangerous. Better try and
move around it. As I do this, the circle turns with me, and suddenly I hear a
voice.
"It's considered very impolite to pass without a greeting." The
voice appears to be coming from the circle, at least I can't see anyone else
around. It sounds very depressed and somehow a little familiar.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I wasn't aware that you were aware of
my passing. I didn't mean any offense."
"None take," the voice sighs. Why can't I place it? I'm so sure
that I've heard it before.
"I don't think I've had the honour of meeting you before," I
try, but my remark goes unheeded... I watch the dripping light in silence. There
is something sad about the whole scene.
"Do you not mourn?" the voice suddenly asks me.
"For whom?" I ask it in return. There are so much reasons to
mourn lately.
"My creator," the voice sighs. "Your cousin, I believe.
They made his blood run all over the Logrus. I could not save him." The
infinite sadness in that last remark! I shiver as from cold. Still, I recognize
the voice now, although it seems impossible. I had only met Merlin once or twice
before his untimely death and I'm fairly sure that the voice is his. How can
that be, though, and why does the voice refer to him as `my creator'?
"Go," the voice says, interrupting my thoughts, "pass. I
will mourn him, even if nobody else does. After all, he was my father." The
circle of light starts shrinking before my very eyes.
"What's your name?" I manage to call out, but it is too late.
The circle dwindles, becomes a dot, and then blinks out. All is black again, and
I am none the wiser. This certainly is a lot like Tir-na Nog'th, except that
it's even more vivid and you don't seem to need any special artifacts to
interact with the visions. Quite convenient in a way, but also more dangerous.
My mind slips back to my particular experiences in the Silver City, and
especially to that final episode with the blue cloven-hooved demon; that one
hadn't gone away when I had removed Grayswandir and it had even gone as far as
to try and kill me. While at the time the episode had rather upset me, now I
wonder whether it might not have been a case of the Black Shadows reverting back
to their true nature. This would be an interesting topic to bring up if I ever
had a chance to talk to Dworkin, find out what he had done to make that area
more stable and so forth. That's all for a later date, though. For now I've got
a mission to accomplish.
"My, you are in a hurry, aren't you?" she says, in a slightly
teasing tone of voice. As far as I can tell the sound is coming directly from
the mirror itself; as with Merlin earlier on, there doesn't seem to be an origin
to the image.
"I believe the importance of my mission warrants some haste," I
say to the girl. She turns more serious at my answer and nods.
"It does," she says. "It's also very dangerous,
though." Now it's my turn to nod. Somehow I'm not surprised that she knows
about the nature of my errant...
A movement towards my left draws my gaze away from hers. The serious
countenance of Azrain is regarding me closely from yet another frame, and he
doesn't smile. Troubled by his appearance here I turn back to the girl for some
answers, but she is gone. Next thing I know Azrain is gone too, and I'm left
alone with no one to turn to but my own reflections... I stand in silence for
another indeterminate period, then shrug and go on. As hard as it might be,
sometimes it is better to simply ignore the apparitions altogether...
Fortunately, there are no other looking glasses inclined to show
something other than myself, and after a while their numbers start dwindling
till they're gone... Onwards into the night, with firm stride and valiant heart.
Well, firm stride at least... The next ghost to spring up from this place
appears at quite some distance away from me, so I'm able to study the scene
while I steadily draw nearer... A woman in a white dress, her long blonde hair
in a plait, sits on a bench, stroking and soothing the unicorn that's resting
its head in her lap. Although it's impossible for me to tell whether this is the
Unicorn of Amber, the animal is white and it does have an overbearing
presence... As I draw closer, the woman looks up at me. She smiles as if I'm the
one she'd expected to see, but there is a certain sadness to her smile. The fact
that the colour of her eyes is a precise match to my own puts a chill in my
heart. Suddenly the face is all too familiar... I return her smile, but where
hers is sad mine radiates some degree of helplessness. I may be able to interact
with the phantoms that are conjured up in this place, but I'll never be able to
make a real difference... I notice now that there is some colour to this tableau
after all: crimson drops glide down the unicorns legs from several wounds that
seem to have been caused by fangs...
"No," she says, "it's bad. The wolves are running..."
"What wolves?" I ask. What wolves could ever be able to do this
to the Unicorn?
"The wolves," she insists, as if the name itself should be
clear to me. "The hunt is on. We have to help."
"I'm on a mission," I reply. She looks at me serenely, but also
imploringly.
"What mission could be more important?" she demands, nodding at
the still form of the Unicorn. "Isn't this the essence of our being?"
I want to agree with her, to shout that she's right, but I can't, I can't...
"The task at hand has precedence," I manage to say in a calm
voice. "This," I add, indicating her and the Unicorn, "is still
to come." Perhaps, I add silently. After all, these are possibilities,
nothing more than that. Perhaps this situation will never come to be...
My words must sound harsh to her, though, and she turns her face away for
a moment. Made uncomfortable by this scene I take my chance and start walking
away from her. I do not look back at her, but I sense her eyes following me as
my course takes me further and further from her reach. I steel myself when her
voice reaches my ears for the last time, a single word framed as a question or
perhaps a plea: "Daddy?"
Oh, Miri! Leaving you like this is like driving a dagger through my own
heart and twisting round it with every footstep that leads me away from you. I
can only keep repeating to myself that this is not real, try to convince myself
that it will perphaps never even happen. I do hope, though, that I will not
leave you this easily if it does...
The darkness is
eternal. It gives me adequate time to collect my thoughts and to pull myself
together again... I wonder how far I've come, how far I've still got to go...
An abrupt loud hissing sound makes me stop in my tracks for a moment. I
can't see anything, though, so I quickly pick up my pace again... Now I become
aware of other sounds, like the slithering of scales on a rough surface. It
seems to be all around me and it keeps getting louder too... I look around in a
useless effort to catch a glance of whatever it is that's making all this noise.
The darkness shrouds everything, however, and maybe it's better this way too. I
have an intuitive idea of what I would see and I'm not at all sure that I really
want to see it all that much... And then there is light, or rather a single
point of it straight ahead. It is red as blood. The slithering sounds continue;
they seem to be as close as they can be without actually touching me.
"Ssso, you come into my domain?" The voice is very deep and
echoing, as if coming from the bottom of a very deep pit. It is definitely not
human in origin... The slithering is still there, but I can also hear another
sound, a sort of `tsh, tsh, tsh', like drops of liquid hitting a red hot
surface... I hesitate momentarily, but I don't slow my pace. The red light seems
to have become my new destination...
"I don't have a choice," I say firmly.
"Oh, but you do," the voice immediately responds. "The
choice is all yoursss." Is that meant to mock me? I begin to feel rather
angry at this intrusion. If this is who I think it is, then surely It must know
my plans.
"If you mean that it was my own choice to take on this
mission," I venture, "then you're right, it was mine..."
"No," the voice interrupts, "you know what I mean. What
doesss it do for you? It hurtsss, yesss?" What is It talking about? The
Curse perhaps? If so, then It is right. I can feel how my proximity to the
Logrus, even in its current state, is steadily increasing the pressure inside.
It has not been released in quite a while and there won't be any chance for that
till after this task is finished. It does hurt, though...
"Why are you here, if you are on Her ssside?" It demanded.
"Perhapsss you are not. Ssso you must be on mine."
"I'm on nobody's side but my own!" I shout. I have to be! How
else can I survive?
"Ah, that isss just what he sssaid too." It sounds a bit
wistful somehow, at least as much as is possible with such a voice. "And
now hisss blood is killing me. But go on, I will not stop you. Sss..." The
slithering increases around me, but I quickly realise that Its coils are
retreating. The red light also starts to dwindle away. Then Its voice calls to
me one last time: "Here'sss something for the road. Catch!"
Intuitively I reach out with my right hand and clutch some smalll spherical
object. I look down to see that it is a brightly glowing red apple. Ha, who
would have thought that the Serpent of Chaos had a sense of humour? I wonder
whether I'm just supposed to eat the thing, though. Probably not...
I wander on through unseen territory with no sense either of space or
time... I believe I'm getting near the end, though. Now that I've been reminded
of the Curse I find that it's harder and harder to ignore its constant pressure
within me. Is this what my mother suffered all of these years? This constant
yearning, this desire for release that starts controlling all of your faculties
until in the end there is nothing else you can think about? I do believe that if
one kept fighting the urge one could really go crazy... Perhaps it's these
thoughts that bring out the next phantom to cross my path. Or is it merely a
phantom? After all, we went into this together, so it could be the real Samal
walking by my side just now, couldn't it..? I look at his face and he's smiling,
as usual... No, wait, there's something different in his smile, something I
haven't seen before. I stop to take a closer look, and Samal also stops and
faces me... What's this new sensation I get from him? Sadness? No, or at least
only partially. There's some compassion there as well, something I'd never
thought to see in him, and a strong sense of resignation... What has he resigned
himself to? I want to speak, but somehow I can't, not until he speaks first...
He's not about to do so, though, I can tell. He just stands there looking at
me... Then he slowly starts raising his hand and reaches out for me. His
movements are so slow that I might easily escape his touch, but I find that I'm
rooted to the spot. I have been hypnotised by his stare, by his hand hovering
closer and closer, fingers outstretched, by his whole presence here. I can only
watch...
And we make love, the first time for me with another man. Although love
isn't the right word, I guess. With me it is simply that overwhelming urge
generated by the Curse, which he so skillfully knows how to excite and take
advantage of. I tell myself that I have no choice, but I can't escape from
enjoying the pleasure. I may have no control over the Curse, but I still manage
to take an active role in the actions that it dictates.
We set out once more, never really doubting that the direction we've
chosen is the right one. We've only walked a short while when I realise that he
has disappeared; the darkness has swallowed him whole and I'm left wondering
whether this was only a phantom after all...
I was still
pondering the issue when the darkness finally receded around me. I found myself
standing in a stretch of cave-like corridor. Behind me the Black Shadows still
swirled their illusions, before me lay an opening from which a weird blue-ish
light emerged. Taureth and Samal were standing but a few paces away from me,
both as much lost in thought as I had been. I first looked at Samal, who when he
noticed my appearance smiled at me. There was nothing there to hint at our
encounter in the Black Zone, though; most probably the only way for me to find
out whether it had really been him was to ask him directly, but I hesitated in
doing that for fear of not receiving any truthful answer. The Samal I knew would
simply love to keep me in the dark about such a thing, but then again the Samal
I had made love to had been rather different from his usual self. Perhaps it had
been an illusion after all. Either way, one thing the encounter had done for me
was reducing the immediate effects of the Curse. I now believed that I could at
least stay in the vicinity of the Logrus for a while without going entirely
crazy.
"Things are at a critical turning point," he observed. "I
think that if we try to fuel the process it may speed things up. Otherwise it
might still take a rather long time for it to recover completely."
"Alright," I said. "Is there anything I can do to
help?"
"I believe so," Taureth said hesistantly, "but I'm not
quite sure I will be able to explain it properly. It seems that the Logrus has
not only been damaged by your cousin's blood, but also by the Pattern itself,
and it is the Pattern energy that is disturbing the natural healing process. If
we could but separate the two Powers, it would probably give the Logrus just
enough room to get its strength back. Do you think you might be able to channel
the Pattern energy away from the Logrus?"
"Hold on," I said hurriedly, "that's quite a tall order. I
don't think you fully understand what you're asking of me." Taureth simply
ignored my protestations, however, and calmly started explaining to me why he
thought this feat should be possible. He got quite technical in his
descriptions, and I couldn't comprehend all of it, but gradually it became clear
to me that he might just have a point. Of course it was true that I was the only
one of us who was able to handle that Pattern energy in any way, but I was very
much aware that I would have to be very, very careful. From Taureth's theoretics
I gathered that the real problem didn't lie in separating the two Powers, but
more in redirecting the Pattern energy. Something would have to be done with it,
and simply absorbing all of it myself was entirely out of the question.
"It appears to be some kind of Logrus artifact," he muttered.
"At least, it has been made with Logrus energy, but in a way that I can
hardly imagine someone would use."
"Do you have an idea what its purpose might be?" I asked,
handing it to him for closer study. Taureth observed it quietly for a while,
with Samal looking over his shoulder with an amused expression, but eventually
they both shook their heads.
"No," Taureth said, "it's much too intricate to determine
its immediate function. However, do you see this spot over here?" He
indicated a small blemish of what appeared to be white crystals, much like a
bruise on an ordinary apple. "This represents the Logrus's damage in a way,
although it also seems to be more than just that. Hmm, you know, we could try to
channel all the Pattern energy into this thing."
"Whoa!" I cried. "Hold on a minute. You say this apple is
pure Logrus energy, right?"
"Yes," Taureth replied calmly, "pure applied Logrus
energy."
"Whatever," I cut him short. "And you want me to channel
concentrated Pattern energy into it?"
"I know there might be some problems with that," he admitted,
"but we simply have to find a way to neutralise all that power. The way I
see it there are three possible consequences: in the first case, we allow the
Pattern energy to flow gradually into the artifact, the two powers cancel each
other out, and everything is fine. We only have to hope that the apple will be
strong enough to withstand all that it has to.
"The second possibility is less pleasant for us," he sighed.
"There could simply follow a big explosion as soon as we try to bring the
two powers into contact this way. The Logrus probably won't be too much worse
for the wear, but as I already said, the three of us won't be so lucky.
"The third and final possible consequence is that the combination of
the two Powers will generate a Primal Chaos vortex. This sounds pretty bad, I
know, but there is a chance that Samal and I will be able to control and
stabilize it." Brilliant, just brilliant. Not only did I have to act as a
high tension wire for the Pattern itself, but on top of that I also stood a two
thirds chance of either being blown to bits or getting sucked into a Primal
Chaos jacuzzi. And here I had been thinking that I merely would have to stand
guard while Taureth and Samal did all the work.
"Perhaps we should just try it with a small amount of Pattern energy
first," Taureth suggested. "If there will be an explosion, it will
only be a small one and we might at least be able to protect ourselves against
it." I nodded with an air of resignation. "I'm afraid you will have to
do the main work, though," he continued, "and I think you will have to
do it as fast as you can." I nodded again, for I had already seen that
coming.
"Do you have any final instructions?" I asked.
"Start gently at first," Taureth said, "then you can
always increase the flow as you go along." Sound advice, that. Well, I'd
better get started.
As I started concentrating, I realised that I didn't seem to be suffering
the usual ill effects of the Logrus: no nausea, hardly any stirrings from the
Curse. This didn't just stem from the weakened position of that Power, I was
sure. Perhaps this present from the Serpent also protected me from these direct
influences. If it did, I was grateful for it, for it at least allowed me to
assay the task with a reasonable peace of mind.
Carefully I
reached out with my mind to the huge blue-ish structure, seeking for that spot
where the al too familiar energy lay waiting for me. There, I found it. Now, try
to lift it up, gently. I sensed the Pattern growing aware of me, throwing small
hooks in my direction. I fended them off, quckly. It couldn't be allowed to take
control now, or all would be lost. Ah, the touch of the Logrus itself penetrated
my mind, and the Curse raised its ugly head again. I could handle it, though.
For the moment... Slowly, gradually, a small part of the Pattern's influence was
loosened from its spot, quickly channeled into the apple. I felt the energy flow
into it and watched as the apple was surrounded by a white-ish sheen. The
crystal bruise appeared to have grown a little, the Pattern causing it to decay
more, its rot a bright crystal glow. The relation between the two Powers in the
apple seemed to mirror that on the Logrus itself, only the apple somehow managed
to absorb the energy directed at it. I kept thinking it shouldn't be able to
take that much, but apparently the Logrus is even more flexible than I had
thought.
I looked at the apple in my hand. It was nearly all white now and appeared far
more fragile than before. Just a little bit more. The sudden flickering of the
blue glow made me look behind me. The Logrus's movements had increased both in
number and in speed, and a strange sort of vapour or mist seemed to be rising up
from it.
Taking a deep breath, I mentally grabbed the remaining energy and let it
all rush into me in one go. Immediately I felt It. There, taking control,
filling me with Its overwhelming sense of reproaches. Oh, yes! I saw it all
clearly now: how I had failed, how I had let It down completely. It had expected
so much more from me. But it wasn't too late yet, the voice whispered in my
mind, I could still put things to right...
A rumble filled the air, a vibration echoing through the caves, coming
from the swirling, shifting mass of the Logrus itself. Next, a huge wave of
energy poured forth and flooded everything in its uncanny light, striking me
with the force of an avalanche. The Pattern was blasted from my mind, Its
presence forcefully removed from the cave, Its rival's most private domain. Much
as I was glad to have control over my own mind again, the flood of Logrus energy
left me feeling nauseated, and even worse, it directly fueled the Curse inside
me. I tried my very best to restrain myself, but even so, I was pretty shaky
getting to my feet again. And exhausted.