Chapter 019: Reviewing Relationships

"I've been hiding behind words

Fearing a deeper flame exists

Faintly aware of the passage

Of opportunities I've missed."

La Rossa - Van Der Graaf Generator

     "You know," I said, "I'm really trying to understand. What you have done, I mean, and your reasons for doing it."

     "Do I sense some disapproval in you for my methods here?"

     "Well, for some of them perhaps." Caine smirked. I had caught up with him for a little private conversation while he was on his way to see to some of his affairs before coming back to Amber with us. I had felt that it was just about the last chance I would have for a conversation like this, but I had had to wait for him to leave the hall, since I didn't want Diana to be present. If she were, I wouldn't be able to talk about certain things, or I would have to start explaining them to her, and I wanted to postpone that until we were safe back in my rooms in Amber with nobody around to interrupt or interfere.

      I guess it really was some kind of final effort on my part to understand my Uncle. What he had done had, for me, destroyed all the chances of us ever really being friends, yet I didn't relish the idea of us being enemies. When I learned the truth about this whole plan of his to bring my Mother back, I realised immediately that there several courses for me to take. I could, for instance, declare a vendetta because of his attempt to murder Diana, or challenge him to a duel, but I knew that against someone like Uncle Caine either of those courses was pretty close to committing suicide - literal, social, or perhaps even both. So I had to find me some middle ground, a point of view that didn't require us to be enemies, but which also wouldn't harm my social status too much. Hence the conversation.

      "It was something that needed to be done," he said, "and it worked, didn't it?"

     "Yeah, after a fashion..."

     "Only the ends are important."

     "So one just disregards the rest?"

     "In a way I can understand how you feel," he said. "I also spent close to twenty years living with Diana. There was just no other option available."

     "Couldn't we at least have talked about it? If I had known about your plans, I certainly would have helped."

     "If you had known, would you then have permitted me to do it?"

     "What, kill Diana, you mean? No, of course not! But I would have  helped you look for another way to help my Mother."

     "I've already said that this was the only available option," he said. He sounded both really arrogant and a little grim. "You're just too young to really understand, I guess. When you've lived as long as I have, you'll know that there are times when you just have to pay an extremely high price to get the thing you want."

      I didn't reply, but just looked at him, trying to keep my expression and my thoughts neutral and noncommittal. This was something I just couldn't agree with, but I knew that arguing about it with him wouldn't solve anything. This was simply one of the axioms that he lived by, and no comments or questions from a relatively insignificant relative like me could ever change that.

      When he saw that I refrained from further commenting on his methods he nodded and continued on his way to look after the things that he felt needed looking after. As he rounded a corner and disappeared from view, I spent a few moments in contemplation. Finally I reached a decision. Alright, I didn't want Caine and me to be enemies, but from our conversation I had got the feeling that it was almost inevitable that he and I would find ourselves at odds again sometime in the future. Now, this could be sooner or later, but that didn't matter. It would happen, though, and it wouldn't hurt to find me a few possible allies before things got quite that far. As I realised this, one possible ally sprung to mind right away. I found myself an empty room where I hoped I wouldn't be disturbed. There I took out my Trumps and started shuffling until I found the one for cousin Murlas.

      I regarded him. Dark, devious, possibly very dangerous. I realised that he did look a little like Caine, although Caine had claimed that he wasn't his son. But then Caine had lied to me about other things too, so I didn't know what to believe. At Caine's request I hadn't told anybody that he was still around (save for Random, that is, but that was at my own discretion), but now that he was about to step back into the limelight it wouldn't make too much difference if I were to warn someone of his imminent return. No real difference for Caine or me, but Murlas might appreciate a distant early warning. As far as I knew he was still under the assumption that he was Caine's son, and as I said before I didn't know what to believe, but it wouldn't hurt to assume that he was. From some things Murlas had said I had gathered that he didn't like his "father" very much, and he seemed like a person who might carry such feelings very far. Warning him of Caine's return to Amber would give him a chance to prepare for their meeting, and it might help to make him a little more friendly inclined towards me. Not that I was aiming for friendship here, or even trust. It might be possible, though, to come to a certain degree of understanding between us, a working arrangement which would allow us to cooperate to some extent, without the necessity of having to like or trust one another.

      "Yes, Dorian, what is it?" Murlas said, once contact had been established. I could see that he was somewhere in a corridor in what I assumed was castle Amber

     "Murlas, I have to keep this short: Caine is definitely still alive and will be returning to Amber very soon. Now, I already met him once before, on my travels through Shadow, and at that time he told me that he had no sons and that he didn't know who you were."

     "Oh, that is the way he wants to play it, is it?" Murlas was indeed not very pleased to hear of his presumed father's sudden resurrection and homecoming.

     "Yeah, well, I thought I'd better warn you he was coming."

     "Thank you," he said, "I appreciate it."

     "Let's continue this conversation when I'm back in Amber, shall we? See you soon."

      He nodded a goodbye and was gone. Well, that was that taken care of. I returned to the hall where Diana was still keeping watch over Deirdre's unconscious body. She smiled when I entered and I forced a smile in return. Oh man, how was I ever going to explain all of it to her? Odds were she was going to be horrified by the whole affair. And what then? What would happen when I told her about the second ritual? I sighed and dreaded the moment when we would finally be alone in Amber.

      As it turned out that moment wasn't that far away. Caine soon returned from settling his business, bringing Diana's original clothes and private things with him. It took her only a minute or five to change, and then Caine indicated that he was ready to Trump to Amber. I let him carry my Mother's body, since I wanted to slip away with Diana as soon as possible. Our appearance in the hall of the castle caused quite some excitement, especially when some servant recognised Caine and Deirdre. While all eyes were on them, I had no problem in guiding Diana away from all the commotion towards the safety and privacy of my apartment.

      I unfastened my cloak and my swordbelt and dumped them in a corner. Diana had already settled down in a comfortable chair. I sat down in the one facing her. For a while we regarded each other in silence. Where to start, where to start...?

     "Diana," I ventured eventually, "I think there are some things that I should tell you. It would, however, be easier for me if you first tell me your part of the story. What happened to you after you got that Trump call and disappeared? I suppose it was Caine who called you?"

      "Yes," she said, "he said that I had to come to him immediately. It was very important. I was quite surprised and told him that I couldn't just leave like that all of a sudden, but before I had a chance to say anything to you he reached out and pulled me through. That made me rather angry, but Uncle Caine said that it was crucial that you didn't know anything about what was going on. You can understand that I was quite surprised at seeing you there when I came to again."

      I smiled and gestured to her to continue.

     "Uncle Caine told me that he had to perform some kind of magical ritual, and he asked whether I would be willing to help him with certain aspects of that. I said that I would, but I admit that I found it all somewhat strange and perhaps even a bit eerie. I mean, I've gathered that magic is rather common to you, to the Family that is, but I don't know anything about it and I didn't know that Uncle Caine practiced it either."

      "Did he tell you what he wanted to achieve with that ritual?"

     "Well, he said he wanted to try and rescue his sister. He told me there had been a war, the source of which had been certain differences between some members of the Family. In the course of all the fighting his sister had, through some fault of his, ended up in some place where she shouldn't be. Later they had tried to bring her back, but all attempts had simply failed. Eventually, after a very long period of time, he had found a way to deliver her from that place, by means of the ritual. However, he said that he needed some of my blood to make it work, and of course I couldn't refuse him; I was more than willing to spare some blood for such a good cause."

      While outwardly I tried to keep a straight face, inwardly I cringed. It was clear that Caine hadn't told her exactly how much of her blood he had planned on using. The cold-bloodedness of that man! And to think that he had told me that Diana had assented to being used in that way! I was certain that I would think twice, no, at least three times, before ever helping him again!

      "Did he tell you the name of the sister he wanted to rescue?" I asked.

     "No, he didn't mention her name. I was curious, but I didn't inquire any further. Uncle Caine can get quite irritated when you ask too many questions..." She hesitated. "... Am I right to believe that it was your Mother he was talking about?"

     "Yes. Yes, it was." She may be somewhat naive and gullible, but at least she wasn't stupid. I guess she also did resemble me in other ways. Alright, now it was my turn.

      "I already told you that there were some things that I needed to explain to you," I began. "You see, Caine didn't entirely tell you the truth." She looked very shocked when I said that. I sighed. This was going to be even harder than I had imagined. "I don't know where to begin, really..."

     "We can do this later if you like?" she said. "Perhaps you're too tired right now? I am rather tired. Do you mind me lying down for a minute?"

     "No, no, by all means, do." I could understand her being tired, seeing as how I myself felt after our little physical excercise earlier on. She lay down on my bed and I found that I had to fight the instinctive reaction to lie down beside her. My body hadn't yet forgotten the touch of hers, nor did I feel that it ever would. And now that I knew about her feelings for me, I could also feel the very subtle, inviting hints she was sending out to me. Ah, Diana, why did you have to be my daughter? We seem to be made for each other...

      But things were what they were, and there was no changing them. She was entitled to hearing the truth, so she would at least be able to make her own decisions. I sighed once more. What else was there to do for me?

     "Diana," I asked, "weren't you curious why Caine needed your blood for this ritual, and not someone else's?"

     "Well, he said that it had to be the blood of a female relative, and I guess that he knew that I wouldn't refuse him."

     "I guess that's true, but there's more to it than just that."

     "You mean... You mean that Deirdre is my mother?" She had got quite a little excited at that thought and looked a bit disappointed when I quickly countered that notion.

     "No, no! It's all a little more complicated. But you're not far from the truth. Yes, it had to be the blood of a female relative of Deirdre if that ritual were to have any chance of succeeding. It even had to be the blood of a direct female descendant of Deirdre. Now, my Mother doesn't have any daughters. Indeed, as far as I know I'm her only child, so the only way for there to be a direct female descendant is through me. In other words, Diana, you're my daughter..."

      There! I had finally said it. With a very tentative feeling of relief I waited for Diana's reaction. A long silence ensued. I could see that she was completely lost, desperately trying to cope with these new facts. Confusion and surprise fought for the right to be the dominant emotion showing through in her expression, both of them constantly winning from and losing to the other. When, after a couple of minutes, she still hadn't said anything, I started talking again, hoping that my words would help her to voice her own feelings.

      "I know it is all very hard to believe," I said, "but it's the truth. Caine was the one who had kidnapped Suzanne. He had told her that she had given birth to a son just to reduce the chances of my suspicions being arroused. If I thought that I had a son, I wouldn't find out about his plans until it would have been too late."

      "Suzanne is my mother? But how is that possible? I'm nearly as old as she is!" Thank goodness, she was talking again! I patiently tried to make her understand.

      "That's all because of great differences in Shadow time. Sometimes people are not as old as they seem to be. For that matter, how old do you think Caine is?"

     "I don't know precisely... Forty-ish, I'd say."

     "Hah! Caine is hundreds and hundreds of years old." That managed to get her even more confused.

     "Do you mean to say that you're also a lot older than you look?" she asked.

     "No, no, I was just trying to prove a point. I'm just about of nearly the same age as you are. That's one reason why this whole matter is so complicated. But there is more that I have to tell you.

     "I hate to say this, but Caine purposely raised you so you would help him when he finally would try to perform that ritual. Now, he told you he needed your blood for that, but he didn't say how much blood... The truth is that if I hadn't been there to intervene, he would have killed you."

     "No! I cannot believe that!" This seemed to be even more shocking and revolting to her than the fact that I was her father. Yet, while she so violently denied what I had said, I could see that she was already beginning to doubt her own certainty.

     "It still is the truth," I replied calmly.

     "But... But the ritual worked, didn't it? Deirdre is back and I'm  still alive, aren't I?"

      I explained to her how, with Sand's help, I had arrived at Caine's castle in the nick of time. How I had been faced with the dilemma of choosing between her and my Mother, and the compromise I had, again with Sand's help, forced upon Caine. Then I told her how the ritual had seemingly failed, despite Caine's best efforts, and how Deirdre's spirit had taken possession of her own body.

     "I do seem to recall something..." she said. "It was like a strange sort of dream... So Deirdre is my grandmother?"

     "Yes, she is. You know, she was mad as hell at Caine for endangering your life in that way. Anyway, she wanted to get her own body back at all costs, so she and Caine got together and came up with a possible solution."

     "Another ritual?"

     "Yes, but different from the first one. It wasn't a blood ritual they had in mind, but..." Again I faltered. This was so hard for me! I still loved her, and I was terribly afraid that telling her the truth would drive her away from me. Yet it was the truth, and she had a right to know. And if I didn't tell her now, she would eventually hear it from someone else, like Caine. So I had to continue, although it still didn't make it very easy.

      "Maybe it would be easier for you to skip the details," Diana said.

     "No, I can't. As much as I would like to, I simply can't. It's just too important. But how shall I put it? Let's just say that there are certain ways in which it is possible to raise a lot of power. You can use something like a blood-link, but using a mind-link is also possible. Like the one we established when we were looking for Suzanne. However, a combination of both a mental and a physical link is much stronger, and it was this form that we used in the second ritual. To be short: in order to bring back Deirdre's body we made love, you and I..."

      My words were once again followed by a long period of silence, but a different one from the first time. I waited for some sort of horrified reaction from her, which I was sure was bound to come, but I waited in vain. Diana somehow seemed to be less surprised by this revelation than by the one about me and her being father and daughter. 

     "I... I seem to remember," she said, startling me from my reverie. "I was there... It all seemed like a dream at the time, but it wasn't. It all was real. And it was what I had longed for so much." She looked me straight in the eyes.

      "I felt so attracted to you. Not at all like a daughter should feel for her father, of course, but then I didn't know. I still feel that way, though..."

     "I know," I whispered. Somehow my throat had suddenly gone dry. "I feel the same way."

     "I guess I'm in love with you," she continued. "I must have been in love with you for quite some time now, almost from the moment we first met, but I didn't want to come between you and Suzanne. And of course I didn't know how you felt about me."

     "I love you too," I said. "I was just too much caught up in my problems with Suzanne to do something about it. And besides, I had promised Caine that I would protect you, and I didn't think he would like it very much if I were to take advantage of you."

      She smiled ruefully. Then she got up from the bed and moved towards me. I rose too, and we embraced. There was no way that I could refuse her, the attraction I felt coming from her was just too powerful. I guess she must have sensed mine too.

      We just stood there holding each other, enjoying the warmth and the proximity of our bodies. Meanwhile, however, I was not unaware of a certain mounting tension in the room. The way her body gently moved in my arms, some near-touches, soft and delicate, her sweet breath against my skin, they all brought back memories, memories that again stirred some passions deep inside me. I knew that it was wrong, I knew that I shouldn't go through with this, but how could I not do it? I loved her, she loved me, and this just felt so good, so right...

      Suddenly we were there, at that certain point where you realise that you're either going to rush out the door, or see the whole thing through. I looked at Diana. She looked at me. She moved closer and we kissed, a most passionate kiss. Then I realised that neither of us was going to leave. I gently undressed first her, then myself. The bed was still warm from where she had lain upon it. It soon got much warmer.

      It was even better than the first time. I guess it may have been because this time it was just the two of us. From the way she acted and reacted I got the feeling that Diana had indeed picked up a few things from that first time. Or perhaps something of my Mother's experience had lingered behind. Either way, I didn't really care. This certainly was not the shy, innocent girl I had escorted back to Amber, but a hot-blooded, passionate woman. It is hard to describe, but somehow we anticipated each other's needs perfectly, both of us knowing when to stroke, kiss, lick or even bite. It was as if we were one, in body as well as in spirit. Our climax was also a joined experience, and it just kept on coming, wave upon wave of pleasure, as if the dam that was holding back all of our feelings had finally burst open for the flood to drown us in ecstacy.

      Afterwards we collapsed in each other's arms, tired but very happy. It felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me. No sexual experience that I had had came even close to this feeling. But as I lay there, thinking these thoughts, my complete feeling of bliss was slowly but surely being corrupted by the undeniable realisation that this just wasn't going to last. Oh, why did she have to be my daughter!

      About an hour of lying drowsily in each other's arms later, I decided  we had better get up again since some people might come looking for us. I was sure that Random would still like a word with me, and perhaps there were some other relatives who preferred to hear the story from my lips instead of from Caine's. As we were dressing I had the good sense to inform Diana of certain standing rules here in Amber concerning inter-relative relationships. These dated back to the time when Oberon was king, but Random had never changed them. I thought that it wasn't likely that he would change them, since there probably were several influential relatives and members of the court who didn't want to see them changed. 

     "But we can't help the way we feel, can we?" was Diana's reaction.

     "No, you're right about that," I said. It's just that I think that certain people will not see it that way. Let's just keep it quiet for now, shall we?"

      She nodded, kissed me one more time, and proceeded to dress herself immaculately before going to her own chambers. I also finished getting dressed and went off looking for Random. From Baron d'Arquancy, the Lord Chamberlain, I learned that the King was in conference with his ministers, however, he would have some time for me, say an hour from now. I thanked him and spent an hour in the kitchens strengthening the inner Dorian.

      When I finally went up to Random's study, I was unpleasantly surprised by Caine's presence there. He was casually sitting on the edge of the desk, playing with one of the daggers that seem to be something like his trademark. As Random invited me to take a seat he must have noticed my uneasiness, for he politely told Caine that they would finish their discussion later. Caine made quite a show of leaving, smiling at me while walking as slowly as possible to the door.

      "Well," Random said, "it's quite some story that Caine has told me."

     "I'm sure it is," I replied. He grinned. He seemed to be a lot more cheerful than the last time I had seen him.

     "I can't wait to hear your side of it," he said. So I told him everything, including my deal with Sand, which earlier I had kept from him. The only thing I didn't talk about was what had occurred between me and Diana after we had returned to Amber. I felt that it was too private, and it didn't really add any significant information to the story.

      Random was very attentive while I told my story. He said that he could understand how I felt about being manipulated like that by both Caine and Sand, being moved to and fro like a pawn in that little game of theirs. 

     "I hope that this has finally taught you to take that standard line about not trusting any relatives to heart. It may sound like a cliche, but this has once again proven it to be true."

     "I guess you're right. And I do think I have learned my lesson."

     "Yeah, well, I'm sorry for you that you had to learn it this way." His expression got a little more serious. "What do you want to do now? You could declare a vendetta against Caine..."

     "No. Don't think that I haven't considered it, though. I just don't think that that would be a wise move on my part. I simply wouldn't stand a chance against him. No, I think it's better not to do anything. I mean, it all sort of worked out alright in the end, didn't it?"

      "I understand," he said. "Remember that I also have a son who was once almost sacrificed to further the aims of some of my other relatives." Yes, that was true. I had heard of how the redhead cabal had tried to use Martin to damage, or even destroy the Pattern. I guess Random really knew how I felt after all. Well, nearly that is, since he hadn't fallen in love with his son.

     "Walk with me for a minute, will you?" he said, rising from his chair. "There's something I want to show you."

      I followed him through the halls and corridors of the castle until we came to the royal infirmary. Inside Uncle Gerard and Aunt Fiona were sitting beside the unconscious bodies of both my Mother and, surprisingly, my cousin Martin. I hadn't heard what had happened to Martin since the moment he decided to follow Lisa through the Blue Macaroni, but since Random had brought me here I assumed an explanation would be forthcoming. I had to wait, however; he first directed his attention to Fiona.

      "So, sis, I assume you have had enough time to study them. What's your analysis?"

     "The cases are similar, only Deirdre's seems to be much worse. I recommend that we try and do something to help them." Gerard frowned.

     "I don't think that's a good idea," he said. "Yes, they're in a bad shape, but their lives are not in any immediate danger. In my opinion it would be better to just let them heal naturally."

     "Hmmff," Fiona sniffed scornfully, "how many times do I have to tell you that there's nothing physically wrong with them? It's not as if they have got damage to their brains or something; their Pattern has been weakened. That's not something that will heal of its own accord."

      "What are you saying, Fi?" Random asked. "That they should walk the Pattern again? That doesn't really seem to be possible in their condition."

     "What if I were to carry them through a Pattern walk?" Gerard  suggested.

     "That seems pretty dangerous," Random replied. "It's hard enough to walk it on your own. What if you should stumble and fall?"

     "I will not stumble!" Gerard said indignantly. Still, he didn't press his point. I could see that he wasn't all too sure about his chances of making it through with either my Mother or Martin slung over his shoulder.

     "There's got to be another way to help them," I said, deciding to add  my two cents to the discussion. After all, it was my Mother they were talking about.

     "There is always the Jewel," Fiona said.

     "No," Random said, "I think that's too risky."

     "Caine said that Deirdre's condition was brought about by her prolonged stay in another reality, wasn't it?" Fiona said to me. I nodded. "Well, the same thing happened to Martin, according to Murlas who was the one to bring him back."

     "Wasn't Murlas affected by that other reality?"

     "No," she replied, "apparently he managed to get some basic initiation in their version of the Jewel." Her voice carried a small hint of respect, and I admit that I shared the feeling. Cousin Murlas appeared to be a man of many hidden talents.

      "But you'd better ask him to tell you the story himself. I hear he has arranged a new apartment for himself in one of the rooms near the Pattern." She smiled wistfully. I didn't understand. Why would he, no, why would anyone choose to live in such a remote spot in the castle? I was getting curious to see his new little humble abode. Well, we still had a conversation to finish, so why not? But first back to the matter at hand.

     "So you think that the Jewel could be used to heal them. Is it the only other option open to us?"

     "I don't know if it will work," Random said doubtfully. "I mean, it is a sort of initiation, and I don't know whether they will be able to get through it being unconscious and all."

     "Maybe we could try something else?" I asked. "What if we were to try to strengthen their Pattern by concentrating on it, perhaps with two or three of us working together?"

     "Using the Jewel would be easier," Fiona said, "since the Pattern is stronger in it than in either of us. But your idea might work, although we would need to be careful with establishing a psychic link not to get drawn into their personalities." I nodded. My contact with my Mother's powerful psyche still lay fresh in my memory.

      "I still believe we should let them be," Gerard argued. "The natural healing processes shouldn't be disturbed." Fiona once again practiced her scornful look on him.

     "I guess I'll have to think about it very carefully before I'll make any decisions" Random said to Gerard and Fiona. "We'll talk about it again tomorrow." They both nodded and I followed Random outside. While we were walking back to his study I asked him whether he had heard anything from cousin Algo lately.

     "No, we haven't been able to contact him. That Shadow where he usually resides apparently has some communication barriers. The matter of his assassination attempt still hasn't been cleared up yet, so I haven't sent any messengers his way."

     I told him of my little encounter with Violet's sister, the Alice in Wonderland lookalike, and of how I assumed she had gone to join Algo and Violet in Telgan. He frowned.

     "I don't like it," he said. "That Violet seems much too powerful to be trusted. Her conjuring small cigars in pictures, that I can live with, her saving Algo's life is also fine by me, but her appearing and disappearing just like that has got me worried. That woman is a security risk, plain and simple!"

      I smiled. Personally, from what I had heard from Algo and some of the others, I didn't think that Violet or her sister to be too much of a risk. A bloody nuisance, yes, but not a security risk. But I guess that just showed the difference between me and Random. After all, he was the King, so he was supposed to worry about things like that.

      As Random didn't really need me anymore at that point I said goodbye and strolled back to my chambers in order to get some sorely needed rest and recuperation. No such luck for me, though, for my door had only been shut behind me for barely five minutes when somebody knocked upon it. Having a feeling whom it might be, I opened it to find that it was indeed cousin Murlas, immaculately dressed in black and here to learn more about my affairs with his beloved father. I invited him inside and offered him some wine, which he gracefully accepted. Finding some glasses, opening a bottle and pouring out some wine for the two of us gave me a split second to think over my affairs and decide how much I was going to tell him. Some things I would like not to be known too publicly around here...

      "So, Dorian," he began after savouring his wine, "your personal problems have all been resolved to your satisfaction?"

     "That they have, after a fashion..."

     "Pray, do tell more," he urged me on, granting me one of his seldomly seen smiles.

     "Yes, you're right," I said, "I do owe you something of an explanation concerning my dealings with Caine, don't I?"

     "Well, I thought it very nice of you to let me know that he was coming." I noticed that he was a bit cheerful, which was a strange mood for him, but also somewhat tense.

     "Alright, my story begins with my girlfriend disappearing from the place in Shadow where I had left her. I found some traces of power and quite rightly deduced that she must have been kidnapped by somebody. On my search for her through Shadow I ran into Caine."

      "Where was that?" he interrupted.

     "I don't know precisely, just some Shadow where he had been residing."

     "So it was a personal Shadow, was it? Were there any security measures?"

     "Actually, there were, but they were pretty subtle." I proceeded to tell him everything I could remember about that Shadow. I was very much aware that I might be giving him something he could use against his father, but then I thought, let him. It was not as if Caine had sworn me to secrecy about that place. And besides, I figured that it probably wouldn't do Murlas much good after all, cause Caine seemed to have used that Shadow for the sole purpose of raising Diana, and he might not have any reasons for returning there. Still, giving this possibly useless information to Murlas might help to forge him into something of an ally.

      "Anyway," I said, once again picking up the line of my story, "that's where I met Caine. As I said, he had been living there for quite some time, working on some of his projects, quite undisturbed, while everyone here believed him to be dead. It was during the course of our conversations there that he claimed to have no sons. I must admit that at that time I did believe him."

     "Yes," Murlas said, smiling wryly, "he is the elder one, isn't he?"

     "Hmmff, yes, so he keeps telling me. I guess it's something that he really likes to rub in."

     "I know. Believe me, I know."

      "Well, to continue my story, in that Shadow I also picked up Diana.  She was Caine's ward and he asked me to take her with me to Amber and make sure that she'd walk the Pattern. He assured me that she was Family, but he wouldn't tell me who her parents were, saying something about a promise to a friend, or some other excuse. Failing to see any harm in it, I did what he had asked me..."

     "But what had happened to your girlfriend?"

     "I only found out much later that the reason why she was kidnapped was because she was pregnant with my child, something which she was about to tell me on the night that I was called back to Amber for the Family Banquet. Eventually I found out the identity of the kidnapper: it was Caine. Some juggling with timeflows had given him the chance of raising the child by himself. It was, of course, a daughter and her name was Diana. He needed her for only one purpose, that being a ritual to bring back my Mother."

      "What kind of ritual was that?"

     "A blood ritual." I could not disguise my disgust, thinking back to those recent events. I sighed. "I don't know precisely how it worked, but with a lot of Diana's blood, although not as much as he had planned on using, he managed to raise some kind of power. It was rather peculiar, for that power seemed to remind me a bit of the Blue Macaroni. Caine later said that it shouldn't have, though."

     "Yes, well, that's just something he might have said..."

     "I don't know. I mean, he was aware of the fact that I knew that he had that power, so why lie about it? Anyway, he did tell me its name: the Nexus. Which, in my opinion, is a stupid name, but hey... In the end it all worked out, though: Deirdre is back, but she's in some kind of a coma, and Diana is still alive. Caine told me that Deirdre had been in some other reality where her body had been damaged by their alternative version of the Pattern. Much the same thing that happened to Martin, but I believe you know more about that, don't you?" He nodded slightly.

     "So everything turned out for the best, did it?"

     "Well, I do feel awfully manipulated..."

     "I know the feeling."

     "Yes, I can imagine you do."

     "Let me just tell you that the feeling does not get any more bearable with the passing of time."

     "I understand," I said. "I am aware that I don't stand a chance against someone like Caine, at least not in a direct confrontation. I can, however, do some things indirectly, like filling you in on his activities." He smiled appreciatively. "Have you met him yet?"

     "No, not yet..." Hmm, well, he might just be waiting for the most opportune moment for such a meeting. I know I would.”

      "So what happened to you after our last talk?" I asked. "As I remember you were about to get that Jewel and bring it back to its own reality, weren't you?"

     "Yes, that all worked out fine too. I took that white ball through some kind of a rift, back to where it belonged. However, since there was a lot of turbulation at that point, and since my companions seemed to be more concerned with their own possessions than with coming through with me, I went through alone. There I got acquainted with the resident Family, who appeared to be even worse than their counterparts in this reality. Actually, I only met two members of that Family, one of whom was Lisa. She was the one who sent me back to our Amber with the unconscious body of Martin. Why she did this, I do not know as yet."

      "She knew a way to get back?" I asked.

     "Yes, she did."

     "Well, may one inquire after that way?"

     "Of course, you may," he said. Cagey bastard!

     "And...?" I said, desperately hoping that he would tell me more.

     "It was done by means of a certain initiation in that Jewel. Once you are initiated there are certain ways and means to travel between realities. It is not something that is meant for everybody, I guess."

     "You got initiated in that Jewel?"

     "Yes. Actually, it was the first thing that I did when I arrived in that other reality. It was a good thing too, for otherwise I might have been dead by now. I gather that Martin and your Mother had not been initiated in such a fashion, but I think that Lisa had. So, that mainly is my story. The problem has been dealt with; the Black Unicorn will no longer bother us. However, we still do not know how or why this whole situation got started, but I think Martin will be able to shed some light on that, when he regains consciousness."

     I told him of the conversation between Random, Fiona and Gerard in the infirmary, and of the things they had proposed that should be done to  revive our two relatives. Murlas said he could understand Random's caution in this matter.

     "Martin does seem to be very important to him," he said. I could only agree.

      Murlas finished the last of his wine and got up to leave, saying something about having to arrange some things before dinner. It was alright by me; I still wanted to get a few hours of sleep before having to face the combined curiosity of my relatives. As he said goodby I realised that he probably hadn't told me everything, but then neither had I, so I figured that was alright. It was all quid pro quo, I guess, with him withholding some information, and me not telling everything either, as I was sure he must have noticed. It didn't matter that we didn't trust one another, as long as we knew where we both stood. Not friends, but allies? Possibly...

      There was just no way for me to get my much deserved rest, or so it seemed. Murlas was barely ten minutes out of my room when I got a Trump call. Wearily I answered it. It was Adrian, also back in Amber, with an invitation to come and inform one another of the latest goings-on. I hesitated, but seeing that awaiting my presence he had already opened a bottle of Bayle's Best, I could hardly refuse. So once again I put on my boots, splashed some water in my face, and thus refreshed went up to his apartment.

      "Well, it has been some time, and then some," I said, raising the glass he had handed me on my arrival. He smiled one of those genuinely warm Adrian smiles. Immediately I was glad I had come up to see him.

     "It certainly has," he said, "and there's a lot that has happened." To that I could nod my agreement. Things did seem to have been busy for both Murlas and me, so it didn't really surprise me that Adrian had got his fair share of events too.

      "There's so much to tell, really," he continued. "As you know I went along to the Courts of Chaos with the ambassadors' party."

     "Yes, I remember. So how was it?"

     "A lot different from Amber, in certain ways. But then in others Amber and Chaos are actually quite alike. It just seems to be as great a mess over there as it is over here." I smiled at his usual distaste for scheming and politics showing through. "But I've been seeing a lot of new stuff. We had some Chaos companions to show us around, and at one point they introduced us to a bit rebelious group of youngsters. They were playing an interesting little game: bungee jumping into the Abyss, suspended from Logrus tentacles."

      "What?!" I nearly choked on my wine. When I had regained my composure I asked: "Isn't that very dangerous?"

     "It isn't to them," he explained, "so I thought it might be fun to try it myself."

     "You thought WHAT?!!"

     "That it might be fun...?" he ventured sheepishly. Sigh! That cousin of mine, he would never cease to amaze me!

     "So you tried it yourself, did you?"

     "Well, yes, but things didn't go the way they were supposed to."

     "Why am I not surprised?" I heaved another sigh. "Okay, what happened?"

      "I did jump in, but there appeared to be a lot of raw Chaos in there, which did not at all agree with my Pattern. I know that I should have tried to shut it out, but since I was making that jump together with a young lady from the Courts I had some doubts about the consequences for her if I were to raise Pattern.

     "The only other option I had was to withdraw within myself, so as not to feel the intense pain the Chaos was causing. This more or less worked, but the upshot of that was that the Chaos there in the Abyss started taking over my body. My body simply started to shift its shape! The final result was something which my friends there called my Chaos form; I looked like a ten feet tall, white-and-silverish, deer-like creature, walking on its hindlegs, complete with antlers, claws and tusks."

      "It's hard to picture you like that," I said with a smile. I knew that shape shifting did run in our Family; the tale of how King Oberon had fooled all his children with his Ganelon disguise was a favourite among both the upper and the lower classes of city Amber. It only seemed that Adrian had found a most peculiar way to trigger it.

     "From the way you look like now I assume that you managed to gain some control over the process," I said.

     "I'll come to that later," he replied. "As you can understand everyone was quite surprised to see me return like that. Despite or perhaps because of my change, Rhiane wanted to try it too, but Boadice managed to dissuade her from it. Shortly after that I got a call from Murlas requesting some help with the White Ball and the Black Unicorn situation."

     "You can skip that part. I've already heard it from Murlas."

      "Well, I didn't want to go along with them to the other reality, since there were still some things I wanted to do in the Courts. You know, I was in a bit of a peculiar situation over there. A lot of young ladies were interested in me, seeing as how I was the brother of the King and all. It's a miracle that I managed to stay unmarried, really."

      "I pity you," I said and he grinned.

     "Sure you do, sure you do. Anyway, back in the Courts I finally had a chance to talk with Merlin. Have you ever met him?"

     "No, I haven't. What's he like?"

     "I don't know. Nice, I suppose. He did arrange a way for me to get my normal human form back. He took me to see Suhuy, who is more or less the Courts' equivalent of Dworkin." He frowned for a moment. "I felt a little uneasy about their plans for me, but I didn't appear to have much of a choice."

     "So you let them have their way."

     "Yes, they simply do have more experience in those matters, I guess."

     "But their methods were successful, weren't they?"

     "I suppose. But it was not especially pleasant, let me tell you! And there was something strange about the whole affair. They put me under sedation for the procedure, and when I came to I had my old body again, but I didn't feel very comfortable. I couldn't remember who I was anymore! I didn't even remember my own name!

      "There was an unfamiliar woman sitting beside my bed who claimed to be my wife Emerald. Since I had no memory whatsoever I more or less took all that she said for granted. She told me my name was Adrian, and that I was an Earl in the Kingdom of King Oberon. I had a brother, Alexander, whom I didn't get along with, and a father, Corwin, who had disappeared quite some time ago. Hearing those four names stirred some faint memories in me, which I found strange, since I didn't get any such reactions from Emerald herself or any of the other things she told me. She appeared to be very worried about my general well-being and my amnesia in particular, though.

      "Later, when she had left, a servant girl, Eliza, came round to see me. She was, ehm, let us say somewhat more enthusiastic in greeting me." He blushed faintly, somehow reminding me of a schoolboy talking about his first date. "She said that she and I were lovers, and that I absolutely hated my wife. She did seem quite sincere, but still I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. On a stroll through the castle I met only unfriendly and unhelpful people. And then there were all kinds of strange, even creepy animals; there were for instance a cat and an owl who clearly seemed to be more intelligent than is usual for their kind.

      "That night Eliza visited my room again. I tried to learn more from her, since she was just about the only one who appeared to be really nice and friendly to me, but it was no use: there was only one thing on her mind." He blushed again. "Now, I have to admit that I didn't have all that much experience in that area, so I more or less just followed her lead, and I found it to be very enjoyable. At least, I did at that moment, though later I learned some things which forced me to reconsider."

      I shifted a bit uneasy in my chair. While I generally admire Adrian's candour, there were certain occasions when I felt he was simply telling too much, like this one. It was not that I would be inclined to use these things against him, but he did appear to place a lot of trust in me without really checking whether or not I was trustworthy, something which I had just learned could be very dangerous. I decided to let him continue and see where this was leading up to, for I got the feeling that he wanted something more than just to exchange stories.

      "When Eliza had left," he said, gazing into his wineglass, "perhaps the strangest thing of all happened: I met a mouse with bright blue eyes who seemed to be remarkably intelligent. Unlike the other strange creatures around the castle, however, he appeared to be rather friendly. He was the leader of a whole group of mice, and he had them bring me a small casket which contained a key. The mouse then guided me downstairs to a room where I had not been before.

      "To our surprise the door was already open, and from within I could  hear Emerald and an unknown man with a deep, dark voice discussing my condition. They were talking about me as if I was some kind of a guinea pig. At the end of their conversation the man told Emerald to be ready to kill me, should he give the signal. After that Eliza left the room and I saw her change into a big, black wolf and leave the castle.

      "I guess that mouse's help had come just in time to warn me about the danger I was in. Of course I opened the door with the key he had given me, and started investigating the room. There was a lot of magical stuff lying around, like the large pentagram drawn in vivid blue line I found on the floor."

      This made me wonder a bit. Of course it reminded me of Caine's pentagrams, and the blue lines were somewhat reminiscent of the Blue Macaroni. If Adrian noticed my surprise, he didn't comment on it, though, but just continued with his story.

      "Eventually, again with the mouse's help, I gathered from one of the books that a spell had been lain over this castle, turning all the people into animals, or to be more specific, into mice. The only way for the spell to be broken was if someone were to kill the caster. I furthermore learned that all the people in the castle, along with all the other animals, were in on this plot, and that none of them were what they appeared to be. This was the fact that made me doubt the pleasures Eliza and I had shared. I had been making love, but to whom or what?

      "Anyway, it was clear to me that Emerald, my so-called wife, was the one who had cast this spell, so I found myself a weapon and set out into the forest to kill her. To make a long story short, I found her and managed to slay her. Afterwards, her lifeless body shifted back to a demonic form.

      "Back in the castle all the mice had been turned back into people. The lord of the castle, who had been the mouse who had helped me, told me that my name was indeed Adrian, but that I didn't originally come from that land; instead he told me that I came from a place called Amber. He also said that he had somehow learned that I was currently not in my own body. To get back to where I belonged I had to walk the lines of the blue pentagram. So I did. I lost consciousness again and came to in some kind of surgery in the Courts, fortunately in my normal human body.

      "I later asked Merlin what had happened, but he couldn't tell me anything, save for the fact that my mind had been remarkably active during the whole operation. I didn't like it, though, and since I didn't feel at ease in the Courts anymore I decided to return to Amber. Merlin's half-brother Jurt accompanied me on part of the way back, and we shared a meal in a quiet spot in Shadow. He seems like a nice enough guy. Back in Amber I had a talk with Murlas, after which I Trumped you.  So, now you know just about everything that's happened to me."

      Quite a story, it was too. I sipped my wine, stalling for some time before commenting on his adventures. That bit about him shape shifting involuntarily was quite interesting. Since it did seem to be something of a Family trait, I wondered whether I would be able to do it. On a whim I raised my Pattern and started studying him for signs of his abilities. It took me quite some time, but finally I did notice that his Pattern seemed to be less emphatically there. That was all, though. There was no clear indication of any shape shifting powers.

      "You certainly went through a lot," I said. "I can't offer any useful insights, though."

      "Well," he replied, "I'm none too happy about the way things have gone. It's as if somethings going on behind my back that I should know about, but just can't seem to place my finger on.

     "I think I'm going to take it easy for a little while now. According to Merlin my body has to find some balance between my shape shifting abilities and my Pattern. The shifting has sort of loosened the cells in my body, and if I were to walk the Pattern at this time they would most likely become fixed again."

     "You'd better wait and see then, hadn't you?"

     "I still want to find out about those things that happened to me while they were working on my body, whether it was real or just all a dream."

     "I have to agree that it is all very strange..."

      We were silent for a while, both of us thinking and sipping our wine. I guessed that it now was time for me to tell him my story, but like with Murlas earlier on I was wondering just how much to tell him. I felt that Adrian had been unbelievably candid in relaying his adventures and there was a part of me that wanted to be just as candid with him. However, I wondered if his behaviour towards me was an exception or more the rule for him. If he was as open to others as he was to me, it would not be wise to tell him everything. I felt a bit of a bastard for doubting him like this, but I hardened my resolve, finding the thought that recent events had apparently really taught me something after all a bit reassuring.

      "A lot has been happening to me too," I said, commencing my tale for the umpteenth time. "As you know my girlfriend had been kidnapped. The reason for that proved to be her pregnancy. I didn't know about that, but apparently Caine did. He was the one who abducted her, not because he had any special grudge against me, but because he needed a female child of mine for a ritual to bring back my Mother, Deirdre.

      "I had already met Caine once before in Shadow, where he put his ward Diana into my care. He told me she was Family, but refused to tell me her lineage. As you may already have guessed, she proved to be my own daughter. I'm now telling you all of this in hindsight, but for quite some time things were a lot more muddled, for Caine had told Suzanne that she had given birth to a son, which had me looking for a boy, when in fact our child had been with me all the time!

      "The ritual Caine needed Diana for was a nasty affair. In short, he needed all of her blood to make it work. Luckily I arrived in his castle just before he was going to slash her throat, and I managed to convince him to keep Diana alive. We worked out a compromise: he would try to perform the ritual with only a minimum amount of her blood. The ritual was only partially successful, though: he only managed to bring back Deirdre's spirit, which took possession of Diana's body. I can tell you, it was quite an unnerving experience to hear Diana talking with my Mother's voice."

      "Earlier, during my story, I saw you look up when I mentioned the blue-lined pentagram," Adrian said. "Did that have anything to do with this ritual of Caine's?"

     "Well, he also used a pentagram, but the main reason why I was a bit surprised was because the blue lines reminded me a bit of the Blue Macaroni power, which somehow also cropped up in Caine's ritual. He called it the Nexus. I may have been a coincidence, but then again it may not.

      "Anyway, Caine conducted a second ritual which worked perfectly: Deirdre is now back in Amber. However, because she spent all this time in some other reality her body has been severely damaged by the influence of that reality's Pattern, so she currently is in a coma. The same thing has apparently happened to Martin, although Murlas managed to bring him back before the damage could become too serious."

      "Another reality...," Adrian said thoughtfully. Then he sighed. "That means another Family and another set of Courts as well, doesn't it?"

     "Actually, from what I have gathered, I'd say that there's more than one other reality. A lot more, I think. But I shouldn't worry too much about other Families and stuff like that. It seems to be quite difficult to walk from your own reality to another one, and to keep yourself intact once you're there."

      "About our Uncle Caine," he said. "I admit that he manages to live up to all the stories I've heard about him. Since he appears to be able to create these gates between realities, he may be able to travel from one to the other as well. Suppose that Black Unicorn army also came from that other reality..."

      "I don't know if you're right about a connection between those two...," I said.

     "Well, we don't know whether or how mere Shadow dwellers would be affected by a different Pattern, so it might be possible."

     "Murlas seems to be more or less convinced that Martin knows more about the whole affair. Me, I don't know what to think, but I don't believe Caine had anything to do with it. He had been much too busy with his plans for rescuing Deirdre, I'd say all his power and attention had been focused on it. He needed a lot of energy to reach Deirdre, wherever she was, and from the things he said afterwards I got the feeling that he considers such activities to be generally undesirable and that he will be trying to prevent such things from happening again. I admit, however, that he is a deep one. I don't really know what to think of him."

      "Don't trust him," Adrian urged me. "You can't trust him." His expression turned more wistful. "But who can you trust? It's something I've been going over for some time now, carefully considering everyone I know."

     "Well, I almost trusted Caine too much, I guess."

     "But from the sound of it I'd say that his plan was a really cunning  one too."

     "Yes, but I don't think that he had counted on me and Diana developing such strong feelings for each other."

     "How is she?"

     "Good, I guess, though she finds it understandably difficult to handle the truth. Especially the fact that Caine, the one who raised her all these years, tried to kill her has hurt her quite a lot. And we have some difficulties adapting to our new roles as father and daughter. It will take us quite some time to work that out."

      "I understand," he said. "Tell me, though, where do we keep going wrong? Why do we always seem to end up in trouble? Is it just because we are Amberites?"

     "I think so, yes. It's all part of being Family. I tried to explain it to Suzanne the last time I saw her."

     "You probably couldn't explain it, could you?"

     "Actually, I think she did understand what I was going on about. I told her it's all a big game, with us as the playing pieces. Once you're a part of the game, which, being an Amberite, you automatically are, there's no way of ever getting out of it again."

      "I know what you mean. I also know that one can't make it on his own in this game."

     "I guess you're right," I said. I had a feeling that we were now getting to the thing that had been on his mind during our entire conversation.

     "As I already said, I've been going over all the people I know, and in the end I realised that you are the one whom I feel most inclined to trust."

     "Why, I am flattered," I said, just in time changing my tone from whimsical to serious.

     "I don't want anything or anyone to come between us," he continued, "although I am aware that if one of the Elders thinks it should happen, we won't be able to do anything about it. Maybe this is a wrong attitude to take with another relative, but I figured, what the hell, we'll just see what will come of it. One has to take some chances now and then. Not that I haven't already been doing that a couple of times lately. So what do you say?"

      Well, what could I say? His offer of total and unwavering friendship came as quite a surprise to me, although perhaps it shouldn't have, considering the things he had been saying to me up till now. Maybe I had been trying to follow the don't-trust-anybody policy too strictly to be able to see what was coming. I had to admit that it was a rather inviting offer, being able to trust a relative like that. Still, I didn't think it would be wise to tell him everything. I mean, he always came across as a person with somewhat strict moral standards, and I didn't think he would approve very much of my current relationship with Diana. But then, what I didn't tell, wouldn't hurt. And besides, true friends don't always tell each other everything...

      "Okay," I said, "I think you've got the right idea. I don't know whom to trust either, but I admit that you're very high on my list. Higher even than my own Mother."

     "The Elders are all much too crafty and cunning to be trusted!" he  said. Apparently he had some very strong feelings about this subject. "My own relationship with Corwin isn't what I want it to be either. It seems that they only accept you once you've sufficiently grown in power, like Merlin has. Perhaps I should also work my way up, but I already know that there are certain thing that I just won't do. There are certain things that just do not fit my character."

     "I know," I replied. "Look, there are some aspects to my story that  I've left out up till now, since I don't want them to get too well-known around here. However, in the light of this new understanding between us, I think you've got a right to hear them." I proceeded to tell him everything about Sand's involvement in my affairs, including my adventures while trying to save Aradia.

      "So you've got Sand's Trump?"

     "Yes. I am going to keep it too, but perhaps I'll ask Aunt Fiona to  make a few copies. It might come in handy."

     "Yet another player in the game," he remarked.

     "Yes, you're right. That's exactly what it was, the whole thing was some elaborate game between Caine and Sand, with me, Diana and Deirdre as pawns or even stake."

     "A very devious game, I'd say." He smiled and refilled our glasses.

     "So what are your immediate plans for the future?" I asked him.

     "I don't know exactly. Perhaps I'll find me a nice, quiet spot in  Shadow to work out this new shape shifting ability of mine. Or maybe I'll spent some time with Llewella in Rebma. I also would like to have a talk with Vialle; she's very wise and understanding, and might be able to offer a different perspective for some of my problems. And then, when everything else is out of the way, I would like to visit my Father's Pattern some time."

      "Well," I said, "as for me, I'm going to stay in Amber, at least  until I have some certainty about Deirdre's condition. Then I'll need some time to come to terms with Diana."

     "You don't talk about her as if she were your daughter," he said.

     "I know. Somehow it doesn't feel that way. I mean, for one thing she's nearly as old as I am. I don't know. Maybe I should have a talk with your father, about me and Diana and Deirdre."

     "Perhaps you should. He always seemed to have been really close to Deirdre."

     "Yes, that certainly was how it seemed..." I hadn't told Adrian  anything about my Mother's and Caine's behaviour towards each other. I wondered whether anyone else had known about their special kind of relationship. I assumed that they hadn't, otherwise I would surely have heard some rumours about them.

    We continued our conversation until we had finished the two bottles of Bayle's. Sometimes I wonder how much the good Baron's vineyards produce annually. I must be quite a lot, seeing as how we can do away with his best stuff in a matter of hours.

      Adrian and I once again agreed to keep each other informed, and he also proposed that we should spend some leisure time together, maybe go on a sailing trip or something. It seemed like a good idea, once we would have some leisure time that is. I thanked him for his hospitality and headed back to my apartment to change for dinner.

      I realised that I only had barely enough time before having to pick up Diana, as I had promised I would. It was strange, but somehow it seemed as if we had been avoiding each other ever since our conversation and other activities earlier this afternoon. One might get suspicious from our behaviour. I guess that it would indeed take quite some time before we had found a workable, balanced relationship...

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