Chapter 028: ...Or To Die Trying

"It's like the pattern below the skin

You gotta reach out and pull it all in

And you feel like you're too close

So you swallow another dose

The pinnacle of happiness

Filling up your soul

You don't think you can take any more

You never wanna let go

To touch the roots of experience

The most basic ingredients

To see the unseen glitter of life

And feel the dirt, grief, anger and strife

Cherish the certainty of now

It kills you a bit at a time

Cradle the inspiration

It will leave you writhing on the floor..."

The Real Thing - Faith No More

     Taking care not to spill anything from the glass of wine I was holding I plumped down in one of the easy chairs in my suite. Lisa was still very tense, her eyes occasionally darting left and right; understandably, since she had told us that there were probably more than three hunters on her trail. We hadn't run into any more ninjas, though. In fact the only remarkable thing on our trip back to hotel had been the taxi: some kind of automatized, flying, bright green, egg-shaped affair. A sort of industrial flying carpet really. Anyway, it had brought us where we were supposed to be, and now here we were, drink in hand, waiting for some explanations from our rescued relative. For a moment or two we only passed a couple of glances between us, until finally Murlas began to speak.

     "Melusine," he said, "or Lisa, it would appear that you are in some trouble."

     "No shit, Sherlock!" She smirked. Her response didn't really faze him, though. Not that I'd thought it would.

     "Perhaps Amber can be of assistance," he said coolly. She looked at him thoughtfully.

     "Perhaps...," she said. Oh dear, it was going to be one of those conversations, the ones we Amberites are really good at. Okay, well, let Murlas do the talking then, I was simply not in the mood.

     "Of course the next question is: why should we?" Murlas continued.

     "Why do I get the feeling that you've already got some answer in mind?" Lisa asked. "For that matter, when it comes down to it, I was under the impression that I still had some credit in Amber." With that she gave him a meaningful look.

     "Perhaps you have," Murlas went on, "and perhaps you have not. There is, however, a solution..."

     "Yes, yes," Lisa interrupted him, "get on with it! Ask me what you want to know."

     "The question is a simple one," Murlas said with a slight smile around his lips. "What is going on?" Lisa burst out laughing.

     "Yeah, very good," she said, "when you find out the answer to that one, please tell me as well. Look, you're kidding yourselves if you think that I have all the answers. I only know some parts of the whole deal."

     "Well, perhaps you can fill us in on some of the details."

     "Just ask me. What I don't know I can't tell you."

     "Alright. Who is your employer?"

     "I believe you're referring to my parent, who as you might have already guessed is an Amberite?"

     "Yes," Murlas said, "and the name of this person is...?"

     "Sorry, can't tell you right now. You see, my parent is the one who sent those assassins after me. If I want to keep at least a small chance of surviving all of this, I'd better not do anything to make him or her even more angry."

     "Can you tell us how you came to be in this situation?"

     "Such a cooling of relationships happens rather easily, I'd say. You of all people should know that. To be brief, I did some things my parent didn't like and I didn't do some things that I should have done." Murlas nodded. I wondered how much Lisa knew of his situation with Caine, in light of those casual remarks of hers.

     "What is you relationship with Galoran?" Murlas asked.

     "What can I say? He just taught me a few things, a couple of useful tricks. He and my parent worked together on certain things. I guess that you could call them allies."

     "What is Galoran's position at the moment?"

     "Hard to say. I suspect that he will be reaching some of his goals at rather short notice." She looked pensive. "In fact..." Her voice trailed away and she closed her eyes. I immediately felt she was working with Power; no Pattern, no Logrus, ergo Nexus. Suddenly I saw something flash by out of the corner of my eye. I looked and saw an old-fashioned humming-top whirling around on the floor. What the...? Next thing I knew my glass disappeared right out of my hand. Damn! It had still been half full. Quickly I brought up my Pattern to see what the hell Lisa was doing. It made me feel as if someone had suddenly turned on some kind of previously unseen neon lights: everywhere I looked I saw glowing blue lines. I glanced a bit suspiciously at Lisa. What was she up to now?

      "Oh shit!" she said. "It's already started."

     "What has started?" Murlas asked.

     "The installation of the Nexus," she replied. "Something's bounds to have happened to Corwin's Pattern. We could of course go and have a look. I've always wanted to be there when it happened."

     "The Nexus is gaining a foothold...?" Murlas began.

     "In this reality, yes," Lisa finished his sentence. "Galoran's put a lot of work into it. Well, I guess he's pretty happy now."

     "Is there anything that can be done to stop it?"

     "Perhaps," she said, "but I'd not recommend it. You'd better let someone like Dworkin fight it out with Galoran. Those two are pretty well matched."

     Murlas was silent for a moment, considering her words. Then, having decided that there was nothing to be done about the Nexus anyway, he continued: "What is Caine's role in all of this?"

     "Caine? Oh, I guess you could call him another one of Galoran's business associates. Didn't he tell you about that? Well, maybe I can enlighten you a bit. Galoran was the one who saved Caine from Rinaldo's assassination attempt. Of course he didn't do it for nothing; he wanted Caine's help with some of his plans. In fact, Caine's the one who brought the other Jewel to this reality."

     "Interesting," Murlas murmured, "very interesting. It confirms certain suspicions I had." I had to agree with him, although I was a bit hesitant at starting to speculate with this new piece of information. Let's first see what else we could learn from her. Lisa looked a bit restless.

     "Maybe we can continue this conversation at some later time, eh? It would be shame to miss out on all the excitement."

     "What is so spectacular about seeing Galoran get away with some small success?" Murlas asked.

     "It's bound to have a big impact on this reality for the coming couple of centuries," she replied. "I don't know whether you realise it or not, but this is the very first reality where the Nexus will be installed, if all goes well that is." Murlas and I glanced at each other, then we both shrugged.

      "Alright," Murlas said, "we'd better go and congratulate Galoran."

     "Let's go and see the fireworks," I added. Actually, I was quite eager to go and check it out, both out of my interest in the Nexus and out of my worries for Corwin's Pattern and its defenders.

     Lisa asked us whether we had a Trump for Corwin's Patern, which of course we had not. She just shrugged and explained that there was a Nexus gate at the other side of town, which we might make use of. With her directions I Patterned the four of us to the right spot. She took us to the cellar of one of the big manor-houses in that part of town, where she started concentrating. After a moments a familiar Blue Macaroni appeared before us.

     "Follow me," Lisa said as she entered the Macaroni. A bit leery we stepped inside a large tunnel of blue woven lines. For several minutes we walked in silence, following the twists and curves of the tunnel, sometimes passing side-tunnels. At first it was a strange feeling, walking around in the Nexus like this, but after a while you got used to it. All in all it was just another mode of transportation.

     Suddenly we came to a fork in the tunnel where the left branch looked fine, but the right branch was twisting and shaking violently. Lisa cursed loudly.

     "It seems the Logrus is about as well," she said. Then she called out: "To the left," and started running. Well, what could we do? We ran, while behind us the tunnel started twisting and collapsing. Apparently Chaos wasn't too happy with having a new kid on the block either.

      We ran on for some time, until it seemed that we had lost it. A moment or so later we came upon a side passage that had been closed by sharp blue crystals forming from out of the walls. I didn't even have to concentrate to recognise the Pattern's handiwork. Hmph, those two could at least have waited until the Nexus was empty before the started wrecking the thing. We passed those Pattern crystals a couple of times more on our way. Then we felt a wind beginning to rush through the Nexus and the whole tunnel started to shake.

     "Do we still have far to go?" I asked Lisa.

     "I'm not sure," she replied. "Whe ought to have taken the passage where the Logrus was." Oh great! So she didn't know where we going right now. Swell! Just what I always wanted to do: play hide and seek with the forces of Chaos and Order inside a humongous Blue Macaroni.

      We walked on and on and every time we came upon either the Logrus or the Pattern Lisa cursed. Her curses got more frequent by the minute. Finally she said that she was going to find us an exit. Right away our tunnel began to slope downwards and before I could stop myself I was falling feet first into the unknown. It wasn't so bad, though, since the tunnel acted like a sort of a waterslide without water, but with lots of curves and bends.

     "Uh oh!" I heard Lisa call out. Ahead of us the tunnel was already collapsing under the power of the Logrus, but there was nothing we could do to stop or even slow ourselves down. Uh oh indeed. I closed my eyes and hoped for the best.

     Next thing I knew I was lying on the ground. I opened my eyes. I was somewhere in the middle of a field, and things were kind of restless: lots of wind and rain, with the occasional whirlwind and some beginnings of what looked like a Shadowstorm. Fortunately the others had also exited the Nexus at the same spot. We got to our feet and Lisa started shifting towards Corwin's Pattern. Things seemed to be turbulent everywhere we went. This whole installation of the Nexus wasn't exactly what you'd call a quiet affair. Still, we weren't too much hampered in our progress, and at least shifting beat running through Macaronis.

      We cleared a hilltop and suddenly the bright, swirling lines of a Pattern lay before us. I immediately noticed two things: one, although it looked a lot like it this clearly wasn't the same Pattern as the one in Amber (different angles and curves), and two, it was in pretty bad shape. From one of the sides a huge black area blotted out the design, almost reaching towards the middle. Some dark red puddles near the black area gave a good indication of what might have caused this. Despite the Pattern's obvious bad state someone was busy tracing its lines. It seemed to be a woman, but I couldn't tell who it was, for her shape was entirely shrouded in sparks and flashes. Her progress was being watched by a group of familiar people: Corwin, Caine, Diana, Rinaldo and a lady whose name I later learned was Nayda.

     As we made our way down to where they were standing I saw that the lady on the Pattern wasn't just walking it, she was busy repairing it. She had been round once already and where she had walked a single glowing line crossed the black area. This really made me wonder who it was; there aren't supposed to be that many people who can walk Corwin's Pattern and repairing it would require an initiation in the Jewel of Judgement. Whoever it was, she was up for quite a challenge, since the only other attempt at repairing a Pattern had, although successful, ended in the death of King Oberon.

     The little group of watchers finally noticed us too. Corwin, Rinaldo and Nayda immediately turned back to the struggling figure on the Pattern. Caine frowned at the sight of us, specifically at Murlas and Lisa, and especially at seeing the two of them together. Diana was the only one to walk up and greet us.

     "What happened here?" I asked.

     "I don't know all the details," she said, "but Alexander has tried to destroy his father's Pattern. He was caught before he could get away, but later he broke free and escaped, stabbing and nearly killing Adrian in the process. Adrian was immediately rushed back to Amber, but we don't know whether he's going to make it. We haven't been able to Trump Amber for some time now." Bloody hell! I already knew that Alexander wasn't the most social of people, but destroying his father's Pattern and almost killing his own brother? That was going a bit too far.

     "Who's the lady walking the Pattern?" I asked.

     "Coral. She's trying to repair it with the Jewel. She's been at it for quite some time now." I looked at the figure amidst the sparks and flashes. Where did she have the Jewel? Suddenly I remembered her sitting beside me that night in Amber when the Black Unicorn first appeared, that eerie red glow pulsating from under her eyepatch. Could it be...?

     "Have you seen anything of the Nexus over here?" Murlas asked.

     "What's that?" Diana asked in return.

     "It's more commonly referred to as the Blue Macaroni," he explained.

     "Oh, that. No, haven't really seen it. There are a lot of strange things going on, though."

     We regarded Coral's progress in silence for a while. Lisa, Rhiane and Murlas sat down and Murlas began asking questions again.

     "Do you think that Galoran has succeeded in what he set out to do?" he asked.

     "I'm not sure," Lisa said. "I think he has, though. I do feel a certain point where he might have installed the Nexus, probably right at the same time that the Pattern got damaged. That was his idea right from the start, and I must say it worked out quite the way he had planned it."

     "So Galoran planned for the Pattern to be damaged, did he? Doesn't it make a difference that it is being repaired again?"

     "No, once the damage was done the balance between the Powers was tilted just enough for the Nexus to sneak in. Everything what Galoran has been doing has been aimed at upsetting that balance, and at keeping everybody occupied of course."

     At that moment Coral reached the black area for the second time. Everyone was silent as she slowly kept on putting one foot in front of the other, the Pattern faintly pulsing behind her. Although I couldn't see her expression I could tell that this was very hard on her. Minutes crept by until finally she came to the end of that dark patch. Staggering she came to a standstill. Uh oh, that's just about the worst thing to do when walking the Pattern. Full of apprehension I kept on looking at her. Then, with what seemed to be an ultimate force of will, she slowly started moving again. I heaved a sigh of relief, but I couldn't ignore the ever-growing doubt gnawing at the already flimsy hope for her reaching the end. She still had to go round two times to make the Pattern whole again; if she was already experiencing such problems at the second turning, what would she do when she came to her third or fourth one?

     To keep from fretting too much I focused part of my attention back on the conversation between Murlas and Lisa. Murlas's next question caught my attention.

     "What is your relationship with Monias?" he asked. Odd. Was this Monias perhaps more important than my dear cousin had made him out to be? What had he neglected to tell us about him?

     "Let's not talk about these things, shall we?" Lisa said with an expression of slight annoyance. "We're just friends..." Yeah, sure, talk about cliche answers.

     "I was just curious," Murlas said smoothly.

     "You don't say," Lisa smirked in return. Murlas didn't push the subject any further, though.

     "I assume," he said, "that with the Nexus all nice and settled you won't have to appeal to Amber for help anymore, would you?"

     "Not necessarilly, no. I guess I could seek asylum both in Amber or with the Nexus; both have their pros and cons. I don't know. Perhaps it's time for me to get to know my Family a little bit better."

     "Oh?" Murlas said. "I was under the impression that you already knew some of your relatives quite well." A clear hint at her relationship with Martin. She didn't take him up on it, though. The only thing she said was that one always has a few contacts here and there.

     Meanwhile Coral had begun to redraw the third area. She was faltering now and then, even more than before, and Corwin was clearly worried about her. If Caine shared his worries, he didn't show it. He just sat there, stoically as ever, flipping his dagger through a series of intricate figures.

     "How do you gain control over the Nexus?" Rhiane asked, shaking me from my reveries.

     "You have to be initiated," Lisa replied, "just as with the Pattern. The more you work with it, the greater your control over it."

     "How did you gain those powers?" Rhiane insisted.

     "Through my parent, of course."

     Corwin suddenly walked to the beginning of the Pattern, clearly intending to walk it himself. Before he could set foot on it, however, Rinaldo stopped him. They started discussing the matter, but unfortunately their voices didn't carry.

     "I don't think she is going to make it," Lisa observed in a matter-of-fact tone. I was beginning to fear that she may be right, so I walked towards Corwin and asked him whether we could in any way help Coral.

     "Rinaldo says we can't," he sighed. "His link with the Pattern is stronger than mine, so I guess he's probably right. Maybe I might be able to lend her some of my strength, but I just don't know how. I've never done something like this before." He turned back to Rinaldo. "Can't you use your link to channel my power to her?" he asked.

     "I don't know," Rinaldo said hesitantly.

     "Let's try it anyway," Corwin said. "Even Dad didn't survive this on his own. Damn it, we've got to do something! How can I ever face Merlin again, if we let her die like that?"

     "Look, I don't know," Rinaldo said. "I'm just not sure that it is a wise move..."

     "I don't care," Corwin replied. He laid his hand on Rinaldo's shoulder and began to concentrate. Rinaldo expression became one of resignation as Corwin forged a link to Coral. I looked past them at the Pattern, which during the last couple of minutes had clearly lost something of its former radiance. It was slowly dying and Coral was its only hope. Resolutely I placed my right hand on Rinaldo's other shoulder and joined my forces with Corwin.

     There was something very peculiar about Rinaldo. I hadn't noticed it before, but it seemed that he was not a normal person; instead he seemed to made up entirely of Pattern energy, or the energy from Corwin's Pattern to be more specific. I had a thousand and one questions about this, but I knew they would have to wait till later. I did realize, though, that this was the reason why Rinaldo's link with the Pattern was stronger than Corwin's, who was its creator.

     As our combined strength began flowing through the link towards Coral, I could see the Pattern gain in brightness. Rinaldo also started to glow, though, even more than the Pattern itself. Aside from the extra light, however, our effort appeared to be working: Coral seemed to be picking up speed and she safely reached the end of the third black area without stopping. Only one more to go.

     Rinaldo, meanwhile, was glowing stronger and stronger, and his features became less and less distinct. If only he would make it till Coral had reached the end...

     Coral finally reached the last area, but she was slowing down again. I still wasn't sure that our combined effort would be enough to pull her through. I heard a noise behind me and realized that it was Murlas and Rhiane. What did they want now? Suddenly Murlas's mind was there as well, mentally coming up from behind me. I realized that I was wide open to him; all my concentration was focused on helping Coral, so if he wanted to fry my brain, I would be completely helpless. I couldn't pull back, though, for without my help Coral would surely die. Aargh! Why did I have to choose at a moment like this? What to do, what to do? I decided not to waste any more time and refocused all my attention on helping Coral. If Murlas were to take advantage of it, then so be it, but I just couldn't let her die like that.

     A moment later I felt Murlas's power, not rummaging around in my mind fortunately, but joining Corwin and me in our efforts. I had only a split second to feel relieved, though, for right after he joined us Rinaldo exploded in a huge flash of light, throwing all three of us flat on our backs. I quickly blinked my eyes a couple of times, trying to get a clearer view of Coral. As my vision cleared I saw her take a last few staggering steps, thereby completing the Pattern again. Totally drained by the immensity of her task she stumbled blindly on, and aghast I watched her falling forward onto the Pattern she had just repaired. I wanted to shout: "Not fair!" but there wasn't even time for that. Just a brief flash and Coral was no more. All that remained was a glowing, red jewel floating a couple of feet above the Pattern. So she had indeed been its keeper...

     However, it wasn't over yet, for the Jewel started picking up speed, moving to the other side of the Pattern, where a grey-bearded man caught it. He was of course quite familiar: I had seen him as a statue in a chapel, as a ghost in Tir-na Nog'th and a third time as a Nexus juggler on the Overshadow.

     "You'd better tell my royal second cousin that I think Amber has had possession of the Jewel for long enough now," said Galoran. "I thank you all very much. Things seem to have worked out quite fine. Of course you'll all get an invitation for the gala-ball." He smiled once more and then he just disappeared.

     I slumped back onto the ground. Well, that's it then, it's over. The Pattern is whole again. The Nexus has been installed. Alexander has betrayed his family. Adrian might be dying, could already be dead. Coral is dead. Coral is dead... It was all too much for me to take in. I felt numb. I wanted to go home, lie down and just sleep.

     I looked round at the others. Aside from me, Corwin was the only one who showed any emotion over what had happened, and it was clear that he did not know what to feel either. His first worry seemed to be Adrian, though. We had to wait a while before we could Trump back to Amber, but when we finally did, he immediately headed for the Infirmary. I followed him there, for I too was worried about my cousin. Fortunately Gerard told us that Adrian was out of danger, although it had been a pretty close thing. Adrian was still mostly unconscious, though, and Gerard didn't allow any visitors, with the only exception being Corwin, who remained beside his son's bed until he regained consciousness.

     I myself headed for my room, where I hoped to get some sleep. On the table a neatly written letter was waiting for me, inviting me to the gala-ball in honour of the new kingdom Galoria, under the rule of King Monias I (proper dress of course required). I mused a bit on the fact that Monias was to be King, wondering again about what Murlas had and hadn't told me about the man. In the end I just shrugged and put the invitation away; I guess we'd be likely to learn more about Monias pretty soon.

     Although I was feeling rather weary, I just couldn't get to sleep. I just kept on going over all that had happened. If I closed my eyes I could see a complete replay of those final moments near the Pattern. I felt sad because of Coral. Here was a relative who I had never really got to know, but who hadn't hesitated to give her life for something as abstract as a Pattern, a few glowing lines with little rhyme and less reason. Why did she have to die? Just so some other abstract form called the Nexus, little more than a collection of Blue Macaronis, could find itself a place to call its home? Surely there must be better reasons to die? Why had she done it? Was Corwin's Pattern really that important? Yet, I guess I must also feel that way about it, for hadn't I rushed forward to help her while the rest had remained passively watching her imminent downfall?

     I got out of bed, walked around a bit, played a few notes on one of my lutes, but it didn't help to lift my mood. I had to talk to somebody, but who? Diana seemed a good first choice, but while I thought I would get understanding and compassion from her, I didn't think there was much that she could do to cheer me up. Besides, if I went to her we would undoubtedly run into the usual frustrations over our feelings for each other and the harsh reality of us being father and daughter. I realised that I rather missed Wylde's company, not as a lover, but as a confidant, someone I could pour my heart out to. She was gone, however, probably in the middle of a war. I could ofcourse go and help her, but I knew that somehow it wouldn't be right. I had glimpsed enough of Wylde's mind to know that it was her battle and that she had to fight it on her own. I had probably helped her enough by giving her children. Still, it would be good to go and see how she was doing. Maybe after the ball, if I didn't have any other pressing engagements.

     Suddenly I knew whom I wanted to talk to. I got dressed and went out. I guessed it to be near dinner time; I told a servant that I wouldn't be attending the Family dinner, though, and instead headed out into the city towards my Father's house. If there was one person who could offer me a sympathetic ear and perhaps even some sound advice with completely no strings attached it was my Dad. He was of course happy to see me and an extra seat at the dinner table was easily arranged. He had been planning on dining alone again, but he assured me that he always welcomed some company. Still, I worried a little that he didn't invite more people over now and then. During my early years Dad had been too busy with raising me to concern himself much with Amber's social life, and over the years this had grown into a bit of a habit. Not that he had been the most social of people to begin with, but it seemed to me that he had less friends and acquaintances than he ought to have. Secretly I felt that it also might have had something to do with his relationship with my Mother, which had been pretty much a hush-hush affair from start to finish. And then of course it's hard to get over someone like my Mother...

     We chatted a little during our dinner, but Dad soon noticed what mood I was in, and when we had finished our desserts he asked me straight out to tell him what was on my mind. He can occasionally be very direct. I hesitated for a moment, for although I had come here to ease my mind I had some difficulty in deciding what to tell and what not to tell him. I mean, okay, I know I can trust Dad, but I don't want to get him too caught up in Amber affairs. There was an even nastier consideration, though: if Dad knew a lot about my or Amber's problems somebody might get it into his head to wring this knowledge out of him, if you catch my drift. I never would want him to get hurt because of me or my being a member of the Royal Family.

     In the end I decided to give him a shortened account of what had happened at Corwin's Pattern: I didn't mention that it had been Alexander who had deliberately damaged the Pattern, nor did I mention Galoran or the Nexus. Instead I focused on Coral's efforts at repairing the Pattern, my role in helping her, her success and her death. I didn't as yet talk about my feelings concerning the whole affair, but I'm pretty sure that Dad picked up quite a lot just from the things I said. After I had finished my story, he remained quiet for a while. When he began to speak his voice was gentle.

     "I can understand your bitterness," he said. "It's always hardest when your efforts to save somebody are all in vain." Thoughtfully he looked up at the moon shining through the window. "I remember when your Mother had decided to go away and leave you in my care. I argued with her and tried to persuade her to stay, not only for my own sake, but for yours as well. Surely our son needs a mother, I said, but she just shook her head and said that it would be safer for you if she wasn't there. At that time I didn't see that she was right; I wasn't yet experienced enough in dealing with the Royal Family. When the news came that she had died in the final battle, I felt a terrible loss and guilt. I should have tried harder to convince her, I told myself. If she hadn't gone away, she wouldn't have met her doom there in the Abyss." He sighed and shook his head.

     "Through the years, however," he continued, "I came to understand that it wouldn't have made any difference if I had tried harder. You simply can't change a person's nature, and one way or the other you Mother would always have ended up on that cliff or at some other dangerous spot. You see, that's just the kind of person she was. She did what she thought was best and was prepared to pay for the consequences. When I realized that, I also knew that I had done all that I could to save her, and I stopped blaming myself." He fell silent again, then he looked me straight in the eye.

     "What you've got to do," he said, "is go over all that has happened just one more time and see whether you did all you could, given the circumstances. I can't do that for you, if only for the fact that you haven't told me everything, and knowing you Royal Amberites the story is bound to be a bit more complicated than you've made it out be." He saw a guilty expression creeping unto my face and hastily added: "No, no, don't tell me. I trust that you've told me everything that could safely be divulged to a relative outsider. I have enough faith in your judgement in such matters." He smiled warmly at me.

     "When you find that you've done all you could," he said picking up his thread once more, "you've just got to let it go. Let it rest, it's not your fault, so stop blaming yourself. And just as me in the case of your Mother, you probably couldn't have stopped this girl from getting in that situation; she too knew the possible consequences and was willing to pay the price."

     I took a sip of wine and considered his words. In a way I felt happy at having this conversation, for Dad had never told me much about his relationship with my Mother. Also, I knew that he understood my feelings and that he could sympathize with them. So what about his advice? Once more I watched a replay of all the action around Corwin's Pattern go by before my eyes. No, there wasn't anything else I could have done. Maybe if I had done something before it all happened...? No, such talk was self-defeating; if I started going on like that, I could end up feeling guilty for just about every bad thing that had happened in and around Amber for the past twenty or so years. And it was true about Coral knowing the risks and willingly taking them. Okay, so I was not to blame. The realization helped to cheer me up considerably, although I still felt sad about Coral's fate. Still, although I had never really known her, I would always remember her and her brave deed. I looked up at my Dad and smiled at him to signify that I was okay. He smiled in return. We spent the rest of the evening talking about less important things. The perfect way to get your mind off Amber and all its problems.

     The next morning I went round the Infirmary again, but Gerard again wouldn't allow me in. He told me that Adrian had regained consciousness last night, but he was still very, very weak and would need his rest. Maybe if I came round in the late afternoon he would be in good enough shape to receive visitors.

     I wasn't the only one interested in Adrian's fate: Boadice was also there and she immediately cornered me, more or less demanding to know what had happened.

     "The only thing I know," she said, "is that I got some invitation for a ball and that Adrian has been all but mortally wounded. Nobody takes the time to tell me anything else, though." I took pity on her and while sharing a pot of tea in my room I briefly told her how the invitation was connected with Adrian's near-death experience. It wasn't that much of a trouble and besides, it's always good to cultivate a little good-will with your relatives.

     I spent the rest of the morning and the main part of the afternoon resting, reading and making music, in no particular order. I went to visit Adrian again and this time I was in luck: he was awake and glad to see a friendly face. I too was glad to see him, for all his paleness. I just hoped I would never come as close to death as he had. We talked a little about everything that had befallen us and I informed him of how we had saved Lisa from the ninjas. I didn't take too long, though, for I could see that he really needed his rest; we agreed that we would talk longer when he was back on his feet again.

     On my way out I ran into yet another cousin of mine: Murlas was also paying Adrian a visit.

     "Dorian," he said, "do you have a moment? I will not be too long and there are some things we need to discuss." I shrugged. Why not? I spent my time studying some of the paintings hanging in the corridor while he finished his obligatory social call, then we retired to a quiet sitting room, with the inevitable bottle of wine of course. I poured us both a glass and waited for Murlas to begin. After all, he was the one who wanted this conversation. He um-ed and ah-ed for a while, clearly uneasy as to how he should begin. Finally he said: "Dorian, er, I know I should let bygones be bygones,  but I would like to say that the trust you put in me back there near the Pattern was not misplaced, in itself." I met his eyes with a level gaze and waited for him to continue.

     "Words are of course no more than that: words," he said, "but for what it is worth, it was really my intention to help you at that moment." He sounded rather worried. Did he believe that I thought that he had meant to do that on purpose? Of course I didn't. I hadn't foreseen that the link would give way under too much pressure, and I assume that he hadn't either.

     "I know it was," I said to reassure him. His expression cleared up a little at me taking it so lightly.

     "like I said," he continued, "those are bygones. Actually it was the future that I would like to talk with you about."

     "The future," I said. "That's a rather broad concept. Could you be a bit more specific?"

     "I do not know about you," he replied, "but I think that everything is in rather a mess at the moment. What I try to do for myself is to try and find some order in it all."

     "A noble endeavour," I said in a slightly mocking tone. Ask Murlas to be more specific and he will go on to spout more generalities.

     "Nobility does not enter into it," he replied sternly. "It is more a question of elementary preservation of life. I find it always helpful in cases like this to share my thoughts with others." This sobered me up considerably. Was this Murlas I was talking to? And was he implying that he wanted to take me into his confidence? I sipped from my glass and shot him another level gaze. He wasn't giving anything away, though. Finally, I said carefully: "It's always nice to have someone to share one's thoughts with. People like that are rather scarce around here in Amber."

     "Well, one does not have to share all of his thoughts. As long as one limits the things one shares, a confidant is easily found." Ah, I should have known. But still, he did seem to want to become a little more open. I shouldn't spurn an offer like that.

     "What I would like to find out," Murlas continued, "is how many loose ends we are left with after what has just happened near Corwin's Pattern."

     "Quite a few I'd say."

     "I believe it is important that we find out quickly which they are. About Galoran I can be brief: he is too big for the likes of us. Alexander? Not really interesting." I nodded, though a bit hesitantly.

     "I don't feel that it's up to me to go after him," I said.

     "What if Adrian asks you to?" Murlas asked quickly. Ah, careful Dorian. I had left myself open there, and Murlas, being who he was, had immediately taken advantage of it.

     "I would have to think about very carefully," I replied. "It would all depend on what Adrian would have in mind." Then I quickly continued: "Who's next?"

     "Two people: Lisa and Caine. About Caine I can be very explicit: either Lisa has been lying to us all along, or Caine knows damn well that he is my father."

     "How did you work your way to that conclusion?" I asked.

     "Well, Caine used to work for Galoran, or so Lisa told us. In my youth I have on several occasions met someone who looked remarkably like Caine and who also happened to be working for Galoran. What a coincidence!"

     "You may be right," I ventured, "but don't forget that there seems to be a ongoing rumour of Amberite look-alikes. Remember Algo's story the first time we were together in Amber, the one about his Uncle Mike? There was also a connection with Galoran there. I'm not saying that the two cases are identical, but it does make you think."

     "There are two differences: Random did not claim that he had never seen Algo before, and if I am not mistaken, Algo's meeting with his so-called Uncle Mike was a one time only affair. In my case, I have been having these meetings on and off since the moment I was born."

     "Okay, let's assume for a moment that the look-alike theory is out and have a closer look at that first possibility you mentioned. Why would Lisa be lying to us?"

     "I would say to place Caine in a rather more unfavourable light, but I am not altogether convinced that this should be the case."

     "I would be hard, at any rate, to find a light that's even more unfavourable for Caine than the one we can usually see him in," I remarked.

     "To me this is more unfavourable, though," Murlas said, "but I base that on a combination of these facts with some other, private knowledge. In itself the things that Lisa said were innocent enough, but then again that is enough cause for suspicion. Still, I think that she would have to have been too well informed to play it so subtly. I short, I think she was telling the truth and that Caine has indeed been working for Galoran."

     "If that's the case," I said, "then why do you think that Caine doesn't admit that he's your father?"

     "I have been thinking about that," he replied, "and I believe he is doing it to get a hold on me. Another possibility is that he did not want to reveal his ties with Galoran."

     "That sounds like Caine alright."

     "That last possibility gives me cause to wonder whether his attitude will have changed by now." I knew what he was talking about: I had noticed that rumour of Caine's role in the case of the Nexus had spread like wildfire. I wondered who had started it, though, since I knew I hadn't and I didn't think Murlas would do something like that either. I hadn't really looked into the matter, though.

     "Look," Murlas said, "if he only wanted to keep his ties with Galoran a secret, then there does not seem to be any reason why he should persist in denying the truth, does there?"

     "Well, he could keep on doing it to save himself from losing face."

     "What do you mean?"

     "If he simply acknowledges you as being his son after all, it won't go down too well with some of our Relatives. Don't forget that most of them can also reason out most of the things we are currently discussing, and image is still very important."

     "He covered himself against any such thing happening," Murlas said. "For he has told me that certain people in the Courts only had to be forced to talk a little to clear any misunderstandings out of the way. Actually I feel that he has had quite enough time to do just that." He looked pretty determined as he said that.

     "Okay," I said, "so he has a possible excuse to acknowledge you as his son after all. What then? How are you going to handle that? How are you going to react to that?" For a moment he looked a bit surprised at me asking that question, then he reassumed his previous determination.

     "What is important to me here is to have an official pedigree," he stated.

     "But if Caine does acknowledge you, then you know with a rather positive certainty that he has been using you all this time."

     "And if he does not do that, I know that he is still planning to use me, and quite honestly I am not having any of that anymore."

     "Hmm, if that's the way you feel about it, I'd better start to make sure that he's going to acknowledge you real soon. Perhaps you ought to confront him one more time." I smiled slightly, as I recalled the way Caine had thrown him out the last time they had talked.

     "And precisely there is the rub," Murlas said. "In private I can indeed confront him and end this charade once and for all, but what if he throws me out a second time? That would mean a definitive break between the two of us. I do not want that to happen, but then I also do not want to continue like this." Despite myself I felt some pity for him. This was one difficult problem if ever I saw one.

     "You could of course take this up with, for instance, either Random or Benedict, just saying that you finally want for this matter to be cleared up." The look of total surprise that came over him as I mentioned Benedict's name was comical to say the least.

     "Benedict?" he gasped.

     "Yes," I said, "you shouldn't forget that he's the eldest of the lot and as such his word carries quite a lot of weight around Amber. And I do think you wouldn't find him unsympathetic to your cause. He's always been one for making matters clear and for matters of protocol, which I think your claim to being Caine's son is."

     "I do not know," Murlas said. "I think that clearing the matter up is perhaps not the greatest problem. I believe that limiting the possible damage in the case of a denial and reducing the chances of said denial could be much more important."

     "Tall order," I said.

     "Let us theorize a little. Let us say, I make an appointment with Caine and once there I ask him directly whether Lisa's story is true. I have to admit that I do expect him to confirm that story. Now, let us say that I then put the following question to him: now that all that business with Galoran has passed, tell me: am I your son or not?"

     "What a charming way with words you have," I said.

     "Never mind that. Do you think that this is equivalent to commiting suicide?" I smiled. Imagine Murlas actually showing fear. He deserved a serious answer, though.

     "I don't know," I sighed, "but I do have another supposition for you to consider. Let's say he says: yes, you're my son, but I cannot publicly acknowledge you."

     "Well, then at least I have a position from which I can start to negotiate to see what conditions will have to be met for him to be able to ackowledge me at last. If those conditions prove to be unacceptable, then I would be right back where I would be if he had said no. In that case I am planning to withdraw my claim to being his son." I frowned, for although I could understand him wanting to put a good face on the matter, it might cause more problems than solve them.

     "What kind of influence do you think this would have on your position here in Amber?" I asked him.

     "I do not think it would make any difference not knowing who your father is, instead of having the one you claim as your father deny your claim. In either case one would be an Amberite of unknown parentage. Withdrawing my claim would mean an end to having to rely on Caine for support. The only question is whether it would really rankle him."

     "Now you're asking me to crawl inside Caine's head?" I asked. "Sorry, I can't help you there."

     "I know," he said. "To be perfectly honest, I do expect him to acknowledge me at some time. In the past he has quite clearly kept that option open. He even gave me a sword after the attack of those blue Chaos people. Still, I do not think it is enough." He sighed. "I know, it is my decision, but it helps to talk things over with someone else. If nothing else, then at least now someone is familiar with the facts." With that he nodded to me and I nodded back. Yes, a little insurance was always wise. "Let us go on to the next loose end," Murlas continued. "Lisa. What do you think of her?"

     "Aside from the fact that my first meeting with her was not the most fortunate one, I'd say that she's just your typical run-of-the-mill Amberite. Only, perhaps she lacks a certain polishing, a certain outward layer of politeness which the Elders do have."

     "What are you driving at?"

     "Well, I don't think it is really a bad thing. You know how most of the Elders can all seem very nice? Lisa doesn't really do that. She doesn't pretend. To me she comes across as being rather blunt."

      "I wonder whether I would be very sorry to see her opt for the Nexus instead of Amber. I do not really trust her motives. How good do you think she is? Of the same level as Rhiane? Better even?"

     "I'd say she’s better than Rhiane. First of all she's got a lot more experience, and besides that she is extremely well informed."

     "What do you think would be her forte? I do not think it is merely physical combat."

     "One can't really say for sure till one has tried it," I said with smile. I found these attempts of Murlas to classify our new Relative's abilities to be as amusing as they were sure to fail. Amberites don't let themselves be measured that easily.

     "Who do you think her father is?" Murlas asked. "Or rather, her parent, as she insists on saying."

     "To be honest, I haven't the faintest idea." Now that wasn't entirely true; I did have my suspicions, but as they were now, they were simply too vague and unsubstantiated to be voiced.

     "I think we could draw up a profile sketch of her parent based on all the things we know about him, or her should that prove to be the case. The parent in question is clearly involved with the Nexus, and he or she does not have any qualms about eliminating their own daughter. A daughter whose existence, as it should be noted, has never been publicly made known. That involvement with the Nexus indicates to me a not all too great loyalty towards Amber, and it could also point at someone who is not too physically inclined. I myself would be amused should it be Sand we are talking about here, especially since Lisa wants to settle the score with her parent herself. In any case, I do not think that it is Caine." Hmm, that was surprising. Those first couple of facts he had quoted seemed to point directly at somebody like Caine. The observation on Sand was interesting, though.

     "I guess Caine has been a bit too busy lately for this to be attributed to him as well," I said.

     "Well, he has not been that busy with me," Murlas said indignantly. "No, my observation is based on the fact that Lisa refuses to reveal her parent's identity. If it were Caine, then she might as well have revealed it right away, since it would not matter that much."

     "I can imagine, though, that if she really were Sand's daughter, she would choose to keep it secret. Revealing such a thing would evoke rather mixed reactions, I'd say. Almost everyone here seems to have a profound dislike for Sand, but then the fact that Lisa is on very bad terms with her parent might help to mollify some people."

     "I see what you mean," Murlas said. "In such a case I can well imagine that one would choose not to reveal the identity of one's parent. I guess we will just have to wait and see with Lisa. Her affairs do not really seem to involve us and I do not really see her as an ally either. Let us go on to the next loose end. Any suggestions?"

     "What about Fox?"

     "What about him? I think we know too little about him to really consider him."

     "That's true," I said, "but I can't help wondering whether the man who was in charge of the Pink Golem army was in fact Fox."

     "Oh, I do not know. Fox seems to me to be typically someone who only crosses you path once. He only becomes interesting if he should reappear, but till then I rate him as a simple one-use-only minion."

     "Hmm, you may be right..."

     "Did you run into him more than once?"

     "No, no, I haven't. I simply can't shake the feeling, though, that he was the same man as the leader of the Pink Golem army. The reason why I keep going on about this is that Adrian told me that Caine had recognized said leader and that he wouldn't tell him who it was."

     "Actually, that does make the matter a quite plain: Fox may simply have been one of Galoran's minions. And I guess that settles it." He noticed my doubtful expression. "You are still not convinced?" he asked.

     "I know I should be," I said. "It's just a gut feeling, though. Ah well, you're probably right: let's just forget about him until he shows up again."

     "Well, if you prove to be right and he is some important figure connected with the Nexus, then I guess we will meet him again sooner than we would like to. Another loose end: Azrain." I smiled. "Or rather: his legacy," Murlas continued. "Lisa claims that Galoran was not behind all of that, or rather that he never became involved."

     "You are not convinced?" I asked.

     "I have some problems with that interpretation, considering the things that have happened in the Overshadow. Lisa is right on one account: the power behind Azrain is not that of the Nexus, but the Logrus. I keep wondering, though, how much of a coincidence the presence of those three Circle people on the Overshadow actually was. Well, coincidence... You know what I mean."

     "It's not a matter of coincidence, but more a matter of them being there with Galoran's knowledge."

     "Oh, I think Galoran was aware that they were there. More interesting is the question whether Galoran also put on that show of his for their benefit, or whether they only saw an opportunity and grabbed it. I believe I have never really told you what exactly happened after my sudden departure from the Overshadow, have I?"

     "No, you haven't. Not that I'm curious or anything..."

     "I might as well tell you. It might be relevant information. What it boils down to is that they tried to get me to accept Azrain's legacy, which I refused to do, since it would have meant relinquishing Amber." Ah, Murlas, why should we deal in details when we can use vague generalities? And here I was thinking that you would really tell me something. I should have known better.

     "It goes without saying," Murlas continued, "that they were more than a little persistent in their efforts to convince me. In the end, however, they let me go, which in itself is quite suspicious."

     "Maybe they thought you weren't ripe enough for it yet," I ventured.

     "It was not a case of not being ripe enough, it was a case of making a choice, but I do doubt that they have really accepted my choice. It is not without reason that as soon as they had released me I brought my fiancee here to Amber. I do expect them to show up again somewhere in the future."

     "Here's a thought for you: what if they're convinced that a time's coming when you will break with Amber? Perhaps you won't do it out of free will, but because circumstances have forced you to do it. Circumstances that may be directed and set up." He looked very thoughtful for a moment or two.

     "That is very sharp reasoning," he said. "I only find it hard to believe that I am really worth all that trouble."

     "Apparently you are."

     "But you do agree with me that we haven't seen the last of them, do you not?"

     "I think this is just the start of our problems," I said with a sigh.

     "Do you have any specific threats in mind when you say that?" he asked.

     "No, it's more a general feeling." Ha, my time to deal in generalities. "Now that the Nexus is here to stay we're looking at a whole new ballgame. Things are bound to remain highly unstable for some time to come. But again, I'm convinced there's not much we can do but wait and see."

     "Just one thing," Murlas said with a very serious expression, "keep that what you said about them setting me up in mind. I may have to appeal to you for help one day." His expression softened as he poured another glass of wine. "Are there any other loose ends?" he asked. I shook my head. "Well, there is one other thing I ought to tell you: Caine is keeping a close watch on you." I shrugged.

     "As things stand there is not much I can do to him either way," I said.

     "This is more about not giving Caine any opportunity to do anything to you." Such concern for my well-being. How touching!

     "I'll watch my step," I said, raising my glass to him.

     "Just by the way, out of curiosity," Murlas said a few moments later, "but can you tell me anything about those little tricks you seem to be doing with Pattern lately?" Well, why not? It's not as if it's a state secret or something. I told him that it involved walking the Pattern in your mind and I explained some of the things I could do with it.

     "It looked rather amusing," Murlas said.

     "Oh, it's quite useful. As it is I'm also not that dependent on Trumps anymore."

     "That sounds very attractive. That reminds me: there was something I had run into in Shadow that was rather peculiar. Have you ever come across people with mental blocks?"

     "What do you mean?" I asked. "That they just can't remember certain things, or what?"

     "No, not just a block of their memories, but also of their skills."

     "No, that doesn't sound familiar," I confessed.

     "I met someone in Shadow," he explained, "whom had been, let us say tampered with. A rather hasty and messy job. I have been wondering whether you need any special powers or skills to do such a thing." I shrugged and he copied the gesture. "Well, she is here now...," he said. Was he talking about his girlfriend? I couldn't remember him bringing any other females out of Shadow, so I assumed that he was. Hmm, methinks I would like to meet the lady in question.

     "Do we have any other business left to discuss?" Murlas asked. I shook my head. "Do you have any real plans for the future?" he asked me.

     "Not really, no. I want for that ball to be over and done with before I start planning. There are some small personal things I'd like to look into, but they take time."

     "Ah, the luxury of small personal things! I do have a few of those myself. There are no really big, important things we have to work on, are there?" he asked with a hint of desperation. I smiled.

     "No, and for now let's keep it that way." He rose from his chair and made to leave.

     "I will let you know about my meeting with Caine," were his final words. I finished the last drop of wine in the bottle and then went to my chambers to freshen up before dinner. I felt glad not to be in his shoes. Not that mine were that much better...

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