Chapter 061: Blood Ties

"I am looking for someone

Who can take as much as I give

Give back as much as I need

And still have the will to live

I am intense, I am in need

I am in pain, I am in love

I feel forsaken like the things I gave away

Blood and Fire

Are too much for these restless arms to hold

And my nights of desire are calling me

Back to your fold

And I am calling you, calling you

From 10,000 miles away

Won't you wet my fire with your love, babe?"

Blood and Fire - Indigo Girls

    "Daddy's back!" Following his triumphant shout my son Nicholas made true to his nickname Tigger by hurling himself across the room without any regard for life or limb and grabbing my legs in such a fierce hug that I had some difficulty in remaining on my feet. With a grin I reached down and picked him up to give him a real hug, and I was instantly rewarded by the happy glint in his bright green eyes. Tigger's exit provided the other kids with some room down below so they could follow their brother's example, and I had to lean against the doorpost to keep myself from going under. Talk about a flood of kids. Last to join the bunch was Laura, her black hair stringing out behind her in long dishevelled streaks.

    "Young lady, you come back here this instant," Anna's voice rang out sharply behind her, but Laura just ignored her, shouting "Daddy! Daddy!" at the top of her lungs along with her brothers and sisters. I met Anna's stern gaze and smiled apologetically. I knew that she had a hard time keeping these rascals in line, but considering the irregularity of my visits I could hardly blame them for their enthusiasm. Anna turned her eyes away and sighed. She was holding a hairbrush, a few pins, curlers and a few bows; all futile remnants of her battle to get Laura's hair into some other shape than `wild and careless'. For a moment she looked very frail and tired, but then I saw her harden back to her usual self. She drew up to her full height and turned to face me once again.

    "My lord Dorian," she began, "there is a problem. The children have been invited to take part in the festivities this afternoon, yet I myself appear not to have been included in this invitation. This is most awkward. Of course you do realise that someone simply has to look after them."

    "It's alright," I said soothingly, "I'll take care of them. I think you deserve a day off, don't you? We will be alright." Anna frowned as if to say that I was taking the matter way too lightly, but she saw not much point in arguing. Instead she turned her attention back to getting the kids all dressed up for the big event.

    "Laura, come here," she snapped, "I'm not finished doing your hair yet."

    "I don't like curls," Laura wailed and vainly tried to elude her nurse's grasp. While she resumed her torture Anna kept making general remarks on how to behave, like no shifting in public and keeping quiet during the ceremony. Fortunately she seemed to have already done most of the work in getting them ready; somehow it figured that unruly Laura was the last of the lot to finish. I noticed that the style of the children's clothing was quite different from what was usual in Amber and it took me a moment to realise that Anna had adopted the same style for them that had been regular in the little world of the pocket Shadow. All in all I didn't think it mattered all that much, since she and whatever tailors she had used had done a good job: the dresses for the girls were splendid and the boys had nice little suits, complete with ties and all. As I glanced over them I noticed Rowena trying to hide a disappointed look from me, so I asked her what was wrong.

    "My dress isn't really all that nice, is it Daddy?" she asked sulkily.

    "Nonsense," I replied, "it's simply lovely. It suits you very well indeed and I'm sure that everyone will remark upon your looks tonight." That helped to perk her up quite effectively and she shot me a grateful smile in return. Nothing like praise from a parent to make any kid's day.

    "Dennis," Anna's voice rang out, "get down from there!"

    "Look Daddy!" the young culprit cried. "Look what I can do!" One glance in his direction made my heart skip a beat: he had gone out on the balcony, clambered on top of the railing and was now rather rapidly balancing his way to and fro over a drop of more than a couple of hundred feet.

    "Very good, son," I said as calmly as my nerves would allow me, "but I think that you'd better come down from there now." He shrugged and cheerfully rejoined us inside. I just realised that apart from all the fun I would be having with them, it was going to be a very long day.

    Wile all the others were busy playing and shouting (except for Laura of course, who was still in Anna's clutches), I found Miri still clinging on to my leg, looking away shyly when I sought to meet her gaze.

    "Daddy," she began timidly, "are... are there going to many people in the castle today?"

    "Yes dear, there are, but that is nothing to worry about." I took her in my arms and held her close. "They're all here to see the little baby Ruby, that's all." My reassurance helped to calm her a little bit, but the crowds of people that would be swarming through the castle today were more than a little bit daunting to her. My dear shy little girl.

    Of course I took the trouble to lecture the kids on how to behave in public, although I was sure that I wasn't covering any ground that Anna had not covered at least ten times before. In all likelihood Rowena, Miri and Vilcon would not be too much of a problem; it was the other three that I was worried about, despite (or perhaps because of) Tigger's assertions that he was always a good boy. He, Dennis and Laura would bear watching carefully.

    From the kids' invitation I gleaned the programme for the day: first on the schedule was a religious ceremony in the Unicorn chapel in which the young princess would be officially recognised as being the King's daughter. Then Ruby would be presented out on the balcony with all the Family standing around and the people of Amber filing past in a parade, and finally there would be a slightly less formal reception and banquet. Just the kind of fun that anybody would be looking forward to. Oh well, at least there would be plenty of opportunities for checking up on my relatives and such. It never hurts to keep oneself up to date.

    It was clear that Anna didn't much relish the idea of spending the rest of the day without the kids, but I was really insistent and after a hundred and one hints and pointers on how to handle the little rascals she finally retired for a well-deserved rest. I checked the little ones one last time and then it was time to face the music. Keeping Dennis, Laura and Tigger as close to me as possible while not ignoring the others' demands for attention (especially Vilcon was all questions) I headed out to meet the rest of the Family.

    And most of them were present, as was to be expected. My first surprise of the day was in seeing a radiant-looking Boadice smiling calmly and pleasantly back at me whilst leaning on her boyfriend Gran's arm. She looked perfectly normal and there was not a trace of there ever having been anything wrong with her, either physically or mentally. Even her hair was completely intact! Of course appearances on the Overshadow were not to be taken for granted, but still, that fire had seemed so real. I noticed that Gran looked rather less at ease than his date; I couldn't tell what he was upset about, but he clearly wasn't happy about something.

    Surprise number two was Murlas being present, and he was not alone: Samal was there right by his side. Oh, joy. I decided to keep well away from him today and was rather glad that I had the kids to keep me busy. I was not the only one to be shocked by Samal's appearance here, for he and Murlas made it quite clear that they were more than simply friends. Homosexuality is a rather awkward subject in Amber, mainly because Oberon had always come down quite severely on those who had practiced it openly up to the point where he had even forbidden it by law. Although Random's reign was more permissive in lots of ways, this piece of legislature had not yet been altered, presumably because certain of the more conservative elements among the Amber nobility did not want to see it changed. There was a homosexual scene in Amber, of that I was sure, but out of necessity they tended to be very discreet. Murlas and Samal flaunting their relationship like that was sure to raise more than a few eyebrows and supply material for court gossip for weeks, no, months to come. Things got even more interesting when cousin Algo showed up accompanied by Sara, who was still Murlas' official fiancee. You just got to love this Family, don't you think?

    Two pairs of eyes alternated between tracing Murlas, then following me, with dirty looks all around. Our hasty exit from the Overshadow had apparently forged an unholy alliance between our cousins Martin and Rinaldo, who sat quietly together and at certain intervals had animated discussions with one another. Great. I guessed I would be hearing from them shortly, and I wondered how they had figured out who Panther was. Well, Murlas had not made that much of a secret of it, I guess. Melusine sat calmly at Martin's side and didn't seem to be involved in their business at all. Rinaldo was accompanied by a young blonde-haired lady who as I was informed was called Nayda and was the daughter of some Golden Circle official.

    Another relative who drew quite some attention was Adrian, since he was flanked by not one but by two nearly identical young ladies. They were the twin daughters of Queen Moire of Rebma, called Shiraz and Haynee, and they were indeed very young, still in their teens as a matter of fact. Despite their youth, however, they ruled over poor Adrian quite easily and they made it perfectly clear that they weren't really interested in anyone else. And this while he was still officially engaged to Sereva Baccaran. The court gossips were going to have a field day.

     Not everyone had troubled themselves to show up with a date for this occasion: Caine, Deirdre, Flora, Fiona, Llewella, Corwin, Gerard, Julian, Benedict and Bleys were all single, as were Alexander, Charles, Elayne and Diana. The latter had of course my full attention as soon as I lay my eyes on her, but apart from a quick and rather wan greeting she kept away from me and the kids. She seemed very uptight and I noticed how her appearance had changed a bit from the last time that I had seen her: there seemed to be a certain edge to the way she carried herself and to her style of dress, and she had taken to using more make-up than before. I felt a deep worry for her, but I wasn't at liberty to have any sincere conversations just then. Maybe later when the kids had been put to bed.

    Even though Diana was foremost on my mind (apart fom Tigger trying to sneak off of course) I couldn't help noticing that dear aunt Fiona seemed a lot smugger than usual, that Corwin was in a very bad temper (and drinking heavily to boot), and that Llewella seemed to be a little out of sorts, frowning a lot where she usually knew how to keep her cool. They must all have their reasons I guess, but I was neither eager nor able to find out about them. That didn't mean, however, that I was too busy to talk to anyone; having the kids there just meant that I couldn't mingle as freely as usual. Fortunately, Alexander came over to talk to me and to be introduced to the kids. I was struck by his good humour and the gentle patience with which he approached the young ones, even troubling himself to answer nearly all of Vilcon's questions. In between he quietly told me a few things that he apparently thought I should know.

    First thing on his list was good news: after my departure from the Courts he had visited Alexa Grendyn and had delivered my message to her. I was glad to hear that she was doing fine, considering the circumstances. I thanked him once again and explained that I had been meaning to call him earlier but that something had come up to thwart my best intentions. Actually he had noticed that I had been hard to get in touch with for a little while, and of course he was curious to know where I had been. Trying to avoid a long and complicated explanation which might include me having to mention things like the Hermit or the Wolves I gladly went with Alexander's suggestion that I had spent some time in a Shadow that severely limited Trump contacts. I didn't like keeping things from him,  specially since he seemed more than a little bit forthcoming about the things that had happened to him, but this Wolves business was as yet strictly a no-no. Besides, it wasn't my fault that he had suddenly decided that he should trust me, was it?

    Alexander did have quite a few other things to tell me, however, and there was some very interesting stuff among them. For one, he had somehow managed to trace and retrieve the long-lost Felicia Wysternion and had delivered her back to Galoria where she was now recovering from her ordeal. He had also, quite by accident, come upon another person whom I had expected never to hear anything from again: Cerwen, the man who had appeared to me and Diana with the information about the Black Unicorn. In our reality Cerwen was in a rather bad state, which made it impossible for anyone to get any information from him. After having consulted with Random, Alexander had left Cerwen in uncle Caine's care. Hmm, I wondered whether that had really been a good idea, but refrained from commentin out loud. Although I had been the one to meet Cerwen, I didn't feel as if I owed him anything in particular and couldn't think of a reason why I should get involved in this aside from mere curiosity. It wasn't as if I didn't already have other things on my mind.

    After having cast some furtive glances around us to make sure that nobody was listening in, Alexander imparted a warning to me: to be very, very careful around all mirrors or reflecting surfaces. He explained that his quest for Felica had taken him to some kind of other reality, one through the looking-glass, so to speak. The people there could apparently use mirrors for all kinds of purposes and he told me for instance how he could contact someone over there simply by leaving a written request in front of an ordinary mirror, implying by that that spying in our reality was quite easy for these people. Intrigued by this I told him about the vision I had had on my way to the Logrus, with the labyrinth of mirrors and the smiling image of Merlin that had appeared and disappeared with little or no apparent reason. I refrained from mentioning either Azrain or the strange lady I had also seen, since I didn't know what to make of them myself. Alexander felt that there could be some connection, for according to him Merlin had at least known about the mirror world's existence. I guess it might be an interesting connection to pursue, since the case of my dear cousin's murder had not yet been solved.

    Of course I informed Alexander of the council of war that had taken place right after my return to Amber and the general decision only to intervene in the Courts if a crisis seemed unavoidable. He didn't appear to be very surprised by this, unlike the way he caught me by surprise with his next question about the whereabouts of the Black Trump. I told him that to my knowledge it should still be in the possession of cousin Murlas, and elaborated by explaining how I had borrowed it at one time and had spent a while with Algo trying to figure the thing out. According to Alexander the Black Trump was a very powerful object that could enable anyone to contact people in other realities, although as with normal Trump calls they still had the ability to block any incoming messages if they wanted to. Interesting, but not immediately useful to me. Still, it was something to keep in mind if I had ever need of such a thing.

    Alexander had one final piece of information, which he urged me to keep strictly to myself for the time being. It involved Dalt, who had once again plans for attacking Amber and who had claimed in Alex's presence that he was assured of some powerful support this time which would almost certainly enable him to succeed. Dalt had apparently asked Alexander to assist him, but had been refused. Alex thought that either Dalt himself or one or more of his allies had power over the Nexus, along with any other abilities they might have. I felt uncertain what to do with this information, since I had next to no experience with Dalt myself, but Alex explained that he just wanted this knowledge to be around in Amber without it immediately being acted upon. It was just that in case something came up, people would know in which corner to look first. As a final sign of support he told me that he had a Trump of a certain place in the Courts of Chaos in case I ever needed to get there in a hurry. I thanked him and said that I would keep it in mind. It's always nice to have an extra option open to you.

    Before the ceremony proper started Adrian also came by with his two girlfriends, who were quite taken with my six darling children. While the girls cooed and patted heads, Adrian and I agreed to have a little private conversation later on, since it appeared that neither of us would be leaving Amber for at least a few days. It would be good to get together again after all that time, I was sure. One disturbing bit of news that I caught from him was that Bleys had only a few moments ago challenged him to a duel, with all the far-reaching consequences that this entailed. There was no time to ask for more details, but I was quite curious to know the reasons that lay behind this action.

    The religious ceremony was mercifully short: it simply entailed the highest ranking priest of the Unicorn Church - apart from Random, that is, who was the nominal head of the Church - reading some selected passages from the Book of the Unicorn and anointing the little baby Ruby with some sweet-smelling ungeunt, after which her proud father held her up to present her to the Unicorn, who by the way refrained from making a public appearance. Smart beast. The fact that the ceremony was so short had, I felt, everything to do with the general Amberite pragmatism when it came to religious matters. Sure, we had to have a ritual to mark the birth of this special child, but it didn't have to be a seemingly endless and terminally boring stiff affair, did it? We had other things to do as well. It was rather strange and amusing when you compared this attitude to that of the people in the Courts, who I had noticed were a lot more serious about their religion. But then the Serpent Church also played a much more significant role in Courts politics than the Unicorn Church over here.

    The children were at their best behaviour in the Unicorn chapel, but as short as the ceremony was, as long was the public presentation afterwards. For this only full Family members and legal partners were invited, which meant that apart from my relatives only Vialle was there. We all stood on a balcony facing the front of the castle while the nobility and dignitaries of Amber and the neighbouring nations filed past. I guess we were lucky that it wasn't raining, but why did we have to have so much nobility around here? And why did we have to wave cheerfully at all of them? It was not as if  knew all these people personally, although I guess I could still recall a great many names if I wanted to. As the parade dragged on it became harder and harder to keep the kids in check, and I really started looking forward to the moment when we could finally get away from this for a few minutes. Fortunately, Alexander was standing near to me and he kept Rowena and Vilcon occupied while I worried about the others. I must admit that I began to wonder how Anna had managed so far and my regard for her grew by the minute.

    When we were well into this parade I suddenly noticed a quiet conversation taking place just within my earshot. I casually glanced around and saw that Martin and Rinaldo had positioned themselves right behind me, one slightly to the left of me, the other just to my right. They were talking very quietly to one another, but it was clear that they very much intended for me to hear their conversation as well.

    "Martin," I heard Rinaldo's voice on my left, "wasn't there something that we had to discuss?"

    "Yes, that is right, now that you mention it," came the reply.

    "Wasn't there a slight matter that was unresolved? Something about papers or such?"

    "That's just the thing, Rinaldo," Martin said. "I believe that Dorian has accidentally taken them with him, hasn't he?"

    I didn't stop waving or smiling, but with a subtle turn of my head I indicated that I had heard their remarks. That was the only reaction they were getting from me for now; this was neither the time nor the place to discuss such business, no matter how quietly.

    "Dorian," Rinaldo said, "what have you done with the papers? Where are they?"

    "In a safe place," I replied softly so only they would hear it. Then I first had to pay full attention to the antics of Dennis and Laura who were trying to get up on the railing in order to prove who of them was best at running over it for the full stretch without falling or tripping. Since the drop to te crowd below was quite a long one and I didn't think anyone would be standing by to catch them if they fell, I quickly curtailed their acrobatic activities, keeping them firmly at my side for the remainder of the parade.

    "Aren't they cute, those little kids of Dorian, don't you think Rinaldo?" came Martin's soft voice near my right ear.

    "It would be a shame if anything were to happen to them, wouldn't it?" came the reply. My blood first turned to ice, then it started to boil. Outwardly I kept smiling of course, but inwardly I was seething. If they thought that they could just go around threatening my kids, they had another thing coming. If they would harm so much as a hair on their heads, I would personally throw the both of them into the Abyss!

    "But fortunately they are just as safe as Dorian's papers, aren't they?" Martin purred. You're damned right they are! And don't you forget about it! They had just managed to throw any goodwill that either of them might have had with me right out of the window, and I would be sure to let them know about it in private later, where I would have the luxury of shouting at them. Nobody threatens my children and gets away with it!

     As soon as the parade was finished, me and the kids were off to the gardens for some running and shouting and generally venting all the pent-up frustrations that we hadn't been able to express earlier on. We spent about an hour outside, playing games like tag and hide and seek, before I felt that we'd better rejoin the festivities. As we walked back inside I realised for the first time that none of the children had practiced their shape shifting in the course of this day and I felt proud at the way they continued to behave around me, even during our little games outside. Some of Anna's lessons must have sunk in after all.

    However, we had only been back inside the great hall for a short while when a little scene occurred that I would rather have avoided altogether. The reception was a lot more informal than the earlier proceedings, with Family and some selected persons of much ilk mingling freely, so I felt that I could let the kids roam around on their own without them causing too much harm. And of course Tigger had to be the one to cause a little scene. At a certain point I heard a muffled curse and a moment later cousin Murlas appeared before me, a nasty patch of wine staining his shirt, holding my son by his neck before him with a nasty hint of disgust to his expression.

    "Dorian," he said icily, "I would appreciate it if you would mind your offspring a little better."

    "Nicholas," I said sternly, "what did you do?"

    "I was just running around a little bit," he replied timidly, "and I just accidentally ran into him. I didn't mean to do any harm."

    "You shouldn't be running around here," I admonished him. "There are far too many people here. This isn't a playground, you know that."

    "Yes daddy," he replied guiltily. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him, knowing that it was nearly impossible for him to keep quiet, but I had to be stern here. Next time Murlas wouldn't be coming to me anymore, he would take it out on the kid himself. I turned my gaze back to my cousin's dark countenance.

    "I'll see to it that it won't happen again," I said firmly. He regarded me for a moment, then nodded and let go of Tigger, who quickly found a safe shelter behind me. Even though it hurt to see my son being scared like that, I guessed that in this case it was for the best. He would have to learn that it was better to keep out of Murlas' way altogether. Luckily, he appeared to be a quick learner, for after this incident he was rather more subdued than he had been before and he didn't bump into anyone else fo the remainder of the evening.

    I was strolling around, having quite a pleasant time, talking to some people over here and some other people over there, when my mother suddenly appeared at my side. She was looking quite serious and when we were out of earshot of everyone else she said: "I think you ought to have a talk with Diana. She is not doing well." She sighed everso lightly. "If I had known all of this beforehand..."

    "What's wrong?" I asked, although I could very well venture a few guesses of my own.

    "As you may know she was rather close with Algo for a while," Deirdre explained, "but he dumped her quite abruptly when he got a chance to go after Murlas' fiancee. Well, I normally don't involve myself in these matters, but I fear that the whole affair left her feeling quite depressed and she can't seem to snap out of it. I find that I simply cannot get through to her, and I thought you might be the one she would open up to." I nodded guardedly. The problem was that as the reception and buffet had turned into an informal ball that was bound to last the better part of the evening and night, there would be little or no prospects of having any private conversations in which the real problems could be discussed. Still, Deirdre's message had imparted an undeniable sense of urgency to me, so a few minutes later I asked Gerard, whom I was talking to at that moment, whether he would mind looking after my kids for a little while, which he was more than happy to do.

    I found Diana sitting listlessly and all alone near an open window that looked out over the harbour and bay. As I sat down beside her she looked up and acknowledged me with a wan smile.

    "Hi," I said gently, "how are you?" She shrugged and turned her gaze back to the scene outside.

    "I don't know," she said. "I don't seem to know anything anymore." Lost. She sounded lost and terribly confused. Being this close to her I could sense the moods and emotions swirling around in her, shifting and changing and clashing constantly, and behind all of that the driving force of the Curse. My heart went out to her, but there was nothing much that I could do at that moment aside from just talking to her and trying to draw her out in some way in order to get a clearer view of what it was specifically that was troubling her. I told her in broad terms of my adventures in the Courts of Chaos and regaled her with some of the generalities of life in those parts, but she seemed to be listening with only half an ear. Cautiously I tried to broach the subject of her relationship with Algo, but everytime I got near to that topic she shied away fom it at the least mentioning of his name. The affair had left its scars, that much was sure, and she wasn't ready to talk about it yet. On the whole she radiated an air of abandonment and a general uncertainty about her own place in the whole scheme of things. It became more and more apparent to me that we would have to continue this conversation in earnest in the privacy of my own room before I would be able to get to the heart of her problems. And I still found the spectre of Caine looming in the background everywhere our conversation led us. He had played such a crucial role in her life, first as a father figure later as near-murderer, and so much had been left unresolved. We would have to resolve these matters pretty soon, before it could ever get to the point of no return. If it was not too late already...

    After about half an hour of fruitlessly trying to evoke some responses from my daughter I decided that it was better to resume this conversation at some later instance; it didn't seem wise to draw too much attention from our relatives. The parting smile and my hand on her shoulder seemed really pathetic considering her state of mind, but it was the only thing I could offer her at that moment.

    I returned to my other six children who had apparently managed to get Gerard to teach them some not too difficult dance steps and who were busy practicing them in a corner of the room, much to the amusement of all the other guests. Eager to clear my mind of all these disturbing problems without any apparent solutions I joined in, and I spent quite some time waltzing around with Rowena, Laura or Miri, or together with a beaming Gerard coaching my sons through some intricate dance routine or other. Although they were very different in their general likes and dislikes, dancing was something that all my six kids seemed to appreciate with equal fervour. Perhaps it had something to do with their innate feline grace that allowed them to pick up all these new moves with so much ease.  Important thing was that they were having a good time while managing to keep out of everyone's way.

    Twirling around with dear little Miri at one point, I noticed how people were keeping a certain distance from another corner of the room. I glanced over there and spied my mother in an ostensibly heated discussion with Caine. It wasn't clear what they were arguing about, but both were quite upset over it. For a moment I was tempted to try and listen in on them, but I quickly decided against it. It was more than likely that Caine would catch me in the act and I wouldn't want to face the two of them while they were in such a foul mood. Instead I guided my daughter and me towards Vialle who was mingling through the crowd with the baby Ruby on her arm. She seemed like a darling little child with wide open staring eyes that seemed to be taking everything in with unabridled enthusiasm. Vialle herself looked well and if the proceedings were tiring her at all she wasn't showing any signs of it. I took the chance of congratulating her personally with her new-born child, an opportunity I had not had before, and also thanked her for the time she had spent with my kids while I had been away. She told me that it had been more than a pleasure for her, and her warm smile told me how much she liked to be around these rascals. She would be a good mother, no doubt about it.

    So the party continued and early evening began to give way to night. People generally took the opportunity of the moment to talk up on what everyone else had been busy with and sometimes you could see some odd couples seeking a little more privacy in one of the quiet corners that abounded in the hall. One such group that caught my eye was a little threesome of Martin, Rinaldo and cousin Murlas. It was really more the latter talking to the other two, but as Murlas walked away after a minute or so I saw that he had left them a little more divided than they had been. I guessed that they had probably been discussing the elusive papers that Martin and Rinaldo had haunted me for before, and I wondered what Murlas had told them. Trust him to take the initiative in such matters.

    Suddenly I spotted Diana, who had finally emerged from her secluded spot near the window, walk over to Caine and address him with a rather urgent expression on her face. He frowned, but then gestured her towards a doorway to a private antechamber. I watched with an unspecified sense of dread as they slowly made their way across the room and pondered the wisdom of a quick intervention. No, it didn't seem wise as yet and perhaps they should have a chance at resolving the issues between them without me butting in. Still, I decided to stay close to where they were, just in case. I wasn't the only one, for Diana and Caine's exit had drawn quite a bit of attention. One of the others who kept close to their chamber was Deirdre, who was pacing around rather angrily. I didn't know what she and Caine had been talking about earlier on, but it had helped to darken her mood significantly. Better keep out of her way for the time being, as she didn't seem inclined to indulge in pleasant conversation.

    I was just taking a sip from the glass of wine that some passing servant had supplied me with, when a frightened scream echoed shrilly through the hall, momentarily silencing all conversation. A girl was standing near the doorway to the antechamber, a serving tray in her left hand, her right hand going up to stifle her terrified scream. Fast as lightning I threw down my glass and rushed over to the chamber, pushing the girl aside to see what had happened.

     The scene before me was one that could have come from one of my worst nightmares: Diana was standing in the middle of the room with an expression of rage, triumph and despair, her right hand clutching a bloodied knife, raised as if to strike again. At her feet the prone body of Caine, lying on his stomach, at least a dozen moist red flowers blooming up on his shirt where my daughter had planted them. For and instant I froze, but when the knife started on its downward plunge again I propelled myself forward, shouting "No!" as hard as I could. Diana did not even appear to hear me, but with a twisted snarl she directed her hand further on its gruesome course.

    Fortunately the room was rather small, so I managed to cross the short distance to the two of them with one giant leap. Beyond caring about my own safety I threw myself between Diana and her target and I just barely intercepted the knife before it could once again plunge into Caine's defenseless back. However, in my desperate haste there had been only one way of keeping Diana from delivering the coup de grace and that meant taking the full length of her blade into my own arm. Pain shot like a bolt through me and I felt the immediate spurt of my warm blood well up and flow down my arm, but I gritted my teeth and tried to hold on. I couldn't afford to go down too; I couldn't let her draw the blade again and have another try.

    Damn! I had forgotten how strong she really was, and she was completely out of control, totally unstoppable. She didn't appear to realise that it was me that she was wrestling with, so she tried to wrench the knife free, sending sharp bolts of pain out through my entire arm. Looking into her wildly distorted face I could see no trace of the innocent nice young girl whom I had met on that country road in Shadow, ages ago now. Violent emotions raged and flickered behind her unseeing eyes, where the flame of the Curse burned stronger and stronger, firing her on. My daughter, what had become of you?

    This was no time to think and mourn, however. I had to stop her, had to make her realise that killing Caine wouldn't solve anything, that it would only create more problems. While my right hand clutched firmly over hers and the knife hilt, momentarily keeping her from withdrawing her weapon - better to suffer these bolts of pain than let her wield the blade once more - I sought to meet her eyes and try to make some sort of contact with her, knowing that I didn't stand much of a chance at purely physically restraining her. If only I could get through to her...

    Just then Adrian appeared behind her, pinning Diana's arms to her body with one firm grip. She let go of the knife and couldn't avoid my gaze any longer. My mind leapt forward into the swirling madness, hoping for that single spark of recognition that would tell me that she was not entirely lost to me. And that spark was there... Deep down inside her there was still the part that I knew so well, the daughter/lover who had such a hold over me. Our minds touched and as she finally realised who it was that was trying to get through to her, she slumped to her knees and tears burst forth from her eyes uncontrollably. With one quick and excrutiatingly painful pull I freed myself of her knife and handed it to Adrian. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I should probably do something about the wound, feeling the blood still trickling down my arm, but it would have to wait. There was other mending that had precedence. I knelt down beside Diana and took her in my arms, gently whispering soothing words of comfort.

    Slowly I became aware of all the other people in the room: Adrian releasing his hold on Diana and putting down the knife at a safe distance away from her, Boadice rushing to Caine's side and calling for Fiona, Deirdre standing very pale in a corner, and Corwin, obviously having drunk a lot more than was good for him, cursing all the while. Other people were curiously crowding the doorway eager to get a glimpse of the latest Amber tragedy. When Boadice's calls went unanswered, she took out a Trump and a moment later Gerard appeared beside her. As he surveyed the damage done to his brother he muttered curses that were just as heartfelt as Corwin's, then Trumped off with Caine's body, presumably to a place where he could better tend to his wounds. Abruptly I looked up at Adrian.

    "Please," I said, "get all these people out of here." He nodded grimly and effectively herded everyone but me, Diana and Deidre out of the room, making especially sure that his father found a better place to vent his frustration. Before she left Boadice asked me softly whether I wanted her to see to it that the children were taken to their chambers, and I agreed, saying that she'd better get word to Anna that her help was required.

    Finally, silence descended upon the room, broken only by Diana's sobs and my soft soothing words. It was soon clear that she was in no state to give any explanations about what had brought her to this unexpected deed. Confused and exhausted, the thing she needed most right now was to rest, to sleep, and hopefully not to dream. Under Deirdre's silent gaze I got Diana back on her feet and escorted her through the whispered gossip of the crowd outside to her own chambers upstairs where her bed was waiting for her. With some difficulty I managed to get Diana into her nightdress and a helpful servant soon brought a physician around who administered her a dose of something that would help her sleep. Only after I was sure that she had really gone off to dreamland I allowed him to examine my own wound, which was deep, but despite all the pushing and pulling still turned out to be a rather clean cut. It needed stitches, though, and I probably woudn't be able to use it properly for at least some time to come.

    After the physician had left, I sank into one of the comfortable chairs in Diana's sitting room and let my mind wander over all the things that had happened. It was funny in a way, but I realised that when I first heard that scream my main fear had been that Caine had done something to Diana or that maybe she had done something to hurt herself. I should have seen it coming, of course, and I could only console myself with the fact that I hadn't been the only one who had misread all the clues: apparently Caine had also failed to anticipate how far Diana would go in her frustration and rage. He had had something like this coming, that much was sure, but to try to kill him? No, it went too far. I hoped he would make it through, for Diana's sake as well as his own. No telling who might get it into their heads to come forward claiming vendetta if Caine snuffed it. No, as much as I disliked him, he simply had to live. But he did owe me an explanation, just like Diana.

    In my mind I kept going over those few seconds, that single choice between life and death, and I couldn't help but shiver. I guess I had been lucky that Diana had recognised me before she had had a chance to plunge the knife into my heart. I wasn't all too sure that she wouldn't really have done it, considering the glimpse I had had of her madness.

    Suddenly a knock at the door brought me back to reality. I found that I had been sitting there for quite some time at least and stretched some painfully cramped muscles on my way to answer the door. It was Adrian, a bottle of Bayles in his hand and a somewhat timid enquiring expression on his face, which sort of reminded me of the way he used to be when we first had met. I smiled wanly, but bade him to come in and take a seat. I guessed this time was as good as any other to have our little conversation, and actually I could do with a drink and some company. I managed to find two wine glasses stashed away on a shelf and soon we were toasting to both our healths.

    "So how are you? And how is Diana?" he began.

    "I'm okay," I said. "Diana... Well, she's asleep right now. We had to give her a sedative. We simply couldn't get any sense out of her. Better try again after a night's sleep."

    "I understand," he sighed. "It was easy to see that she was quite distressed." He took a sip from his glass, then asked wistfully: "Why do these things always have to happen to us? To this Family, I mean." Before I could frame an answer he plunged on. "Perhaps it's better this way, better that he or she didn't make it, so they will never have to live through all of this misery." It took me a moment to figure out who he was talking about, but then it hit me: his child. Sereva's miscarriage. He sounded really bitter about it, more than I felt he ought to. There were always troubles, but children could be such a treasure at times.

    "I don't know about that," I replied cautiously. "Sometimes I do wonder about the wisdom of having this many children in such a world as this, but then I watch them playing and laughing..." I let my voice trail off and observed his face. Yes, there was that hint of a smile.

    "They're very cute, your kids," he admitted. "Boadice saw them off to their room while you were taking care of Diana." Well, that was something at least. Slowly I felt my forced good cheer slip away from me; it was hard to make merry after such a day.

    "How am I goin to explain all of this to them?" I wondered out loud.

    "That's going to be a problem," Adrian concurred, "especially with that Vilcon. He just seems to have three new questions for each answer that you give him." That brought a faint smile to my lips. Yes, that was Vilcon alright.

    "I guess I'll think of something," I muttered. Some convenient white lie for now and then maybe the truth later on when they would be able to understand it better. Maybe. "So what about you?" I asked. "How have you been doing?"

    "Not bad, I guess. Sherwyn is once again more or less organized. That took some trouble, but still." He half frowned, half grinned. "Now and then I find myself wanting to kick Corwin's ass, but I haven't yet. And I have been busy. I've spent a lot of time in Rebma lately, where I sort of had my hands full with all kinds of stuff. One or rather two of them you've met. I must add, though, that that wasn't entirely my idea."

    "Wasn't it?" I asked with the slightest hint of mischief in my voice.

    "No," he replied in mock indignation. "Well, I do admit to having a pleasant time with those two girls, but..."

    "By the looks of it they both seemed to have their hooks in you already."

    "Don't I know it. The late court magician in Rebma predicted that they would together marry one husband, a king no less." That made him fair game, then. Still, something else that he had said was nagging at me for attention.

    "What late court magician was that then? " I asked casually.

    "Oh, his name was Solkon. He was found murdered last night. I happened to be close by when they found him." He shrugged. "Did you know him?" he asked when he saw my frown.

    "Not personally, no. I came across his name quite recently in connection with a group that are really into prophecies and that sort of stuff." Adrian nodded.

    "There were some books in his chambers on that sort of thing. Pretty vague." I bet it was, my dear cousin, but there must have been something more to it or Solkon wouldn't have been murdered. I guess this added an extra sense of urgency to this whole business of Brand's legacy, but I knew I wouldn't be looking into it before this matter between Caine and Diana had been cleared up.

    "But this Solkon prophesied that the twins are going to share one husband, did he?" I asked to keep the conversation on track.

    "Yes, like I said, a king to boot."

    "And that's going to be you, is it?"

    "They seem to think so, I'm afraid." He shook his head. "I just don't want to get them involved in affairs that are too dangerous for them." I could see his point; charming as Shiraz and Haynee were, they were too young and inexperienced to play a major role in the general political scene. Actually, even though they were royalty, they couldn't really compare to someone like Sereva Baccaran.

    "I get your drift," I said, "but you can't always prevent the worst from happening, as much as you may want to."

    "I just don't want to see the same thing happen all over again."

    "The same thing as what happened between you and Sereva?" I asked softly. He simply nodded.

    "Regardless of who is most to blame, the affair hasn't been good to either of us."

    "Does this mean that things are all over between the two of you?"

    "That's not quite clear yet. These relationships can be pretty vague sometimes."

    "I sometimes begin to wonder," I mused, "whether there really is such a thing as the perfect mate for any of us."

    "I'll drink to there being someone like that anyway," Adrian said and we raised our glasses again. However, no amount of alcohol could help to disguise the fact that we weren't really connecting this time. There seemed to be too many secrets, too many things we had to skirt around that kept us from truly seeing eye to eye. Yes, we did our best to keep the conversation going, but that impossible spark of trust that had been there before had somehow in all the time that we had not seen each other dwindled and finally died out altogether. Still, we put on a good show, considering we had only ourselves for an audience.

     "Talking about vague situations," Adrian picked up our conversation, "you never got round to explaining to me what had happened to you back there in the Courts, when you were behaving so strangely."

    "Yes, you're right," I said, "I ought to clear that up for you. I don't know whether you noticed it or not, but in that period when the Logrus had been damaged Fiona started behaving quite peculiarly. There was actually a connection between those two things."

    "You mean the Pattern was influencing Fiona directly? And it had a hold over you as well?"

    "The first is correct, but fortunately the second is not. I had been warned in time about the danger that I was in, so I devised this strategy to fool the Pattern into thinking that I would be a flawed tool for It, so to speak. And luckily for me it worked. Ultimately, it gave me just enough leeway to assist in the process of repairing the Logrus."

    "And there are no hard feelings between you and the Pattern over this?" Adrian asked. His question made me frown.

    "I don't know," I replied. "I fear there may be. I was told that Merlin had also been in a rather direct confrontation with the Pattern, and now he is dead. I happen to be quite convinced that the person who killed him must have had some strong ties to the Pattern. Not that this person must necessarily have been under Its direct influence, but the fact remains that the Pattern was the first Major Power to take advantage of the whole situation. I do wonder, though, whether we'll ever hear the truth about what happened."

    Adrian was silent for a moment or so, then he said: "You could always try to talk to the Pattern, you know. Some form of communication should at least be possible, even with Dworkin's Pattern." He seemed to imply that he had already been successful in talking to his father's Pattern. I wasn't so sure that that was going to work in my case, though.

    "I don't know whether It can be reasoned with," I objected.

    "Well, you will at least have to have a third person present as well, I think."

    "Hmm, there may be something to this idea of yours. Perhaps I should take it up with Fiona. She is as much involved in this as I am, and I can imagine that she is not very happy about the way things went." I sighed. "Yet another personal problem I have to find a solution to, like so many others." He nodded to me and we both emptied our glasses.

    While we equally divided the final remains of the bottle, we both tried to think of something more to say, but that last remark of mine seemed to have put an end to our entire conversation. We drank the last of the wine in silence and shortly thereafter Adrian bade me goodnight, saying that he at least wanted to catch some sleep before the night was through. It was a smart idea, but after he had left I simply found myself unable to settle down. The only thing the wine had done for me was to dull the ache in my wounded arm; the adrenalin and worries easily kept all hints or indications of sleepiness at bay.

    Restless as I was I paced the room for several minutes before deciding to look in on Diana, who was blissfully lost on the shore of the sea of dreams. Perhaps I should follow her example and get them to bring me some sort of drug too. No, I felt I would need my wits about me when I confronted either Diana or Caine, and there was no telling what a soporific would do to me in combination with all that wine I had drunk. Sleep would come when it came, I guessed, and until then I would simply have to find something to keep myself occupied.

    Since Diana was fitfully asleep, I figured I might as well sneak away for a few minutes to check up on my other six children. After all, they had been promised as goodnight kiss, hadn't they? Silently I walked the nearly deserted corridors till I came to their room. I sneaked in as quietly as I could, but of course their sharp feline senses detected my presence before I had even crossed the distance from the door to the nearest of their beds. Drowsy and half asleep as they were, they were still full of questions, as I had feared, but quite unexpectedly they weren't about what had happened between Diana and Caine. Apparently none of the kids had got near enough to the door to the antechamber to make out what had occurred there. However, it turned out that while I had been busy trying to keep Diana from prematurely ending Caine's life, something else had been going on in the hall which had involved aunt Llewella and cousin Alexander. From what I managed to gather from the children's questions Llewella had evidently pulled a knife in order to try and kill the little baby Ruby, but Alexander had intervened just in time, keeping the young princess safe from harm. I didn't have any good explanations for the kids, but I tried to reassure them as best as I could by telling them that it must probably have been all a mistake on Llewella's part. Of course she hadn't really wanted to hurt little Ruby, who would ever do such a thing? Inwardly however, I couldn't help but wonder. And hadn't Adrian heard about this yet, or had he just forgotten to mention it to me? I didn't get a chance to ponder the question fully, for Anna, who had been woken by the kids' voices, appeared in the doorway and insisted that they go back to sleep. I quickly went round and kissed all of them in turn, and then I left before Anna had a chance of getting too angry with me once again. She must already have a lousy opinion of me anyway, the way she let her temper flare whenever I was around.

    Outside in the corridor I briefly considered retiring to my own room, but sleep was still no nearer and I guess I felt more at ease watching over Diana than anywhere else. I had just returned to her chambers when there was another knock at the door, a very short and impatient one this time. It was Deirdre. Clearly still very angry and upset, she strode in without so much as a hello, plunked herself down in the chair I had been sitting in and used a silver lighter to light a cigarette.

    "So how is she?" she asked impatiently. "Has she said anything yet?"

    "No," I replied. "She's resting. I got a doctor to give her something to help her sleep." Deirdre nodded curtly and took a angry drag from her cigarette. The light from the candles playing on the blue and grey smoke somehow added a mysterious, yet menacing touch to her appearance.

    "What about Caine?" I asked.

    "He'll live. Fortunately it is not that easy to stab an Amberite to death." She grimaced. "Idiots." Unsure whether she was just referring to Caine and Diana or whether I too was included in that category, I asked her whether she would like to have a drink.

    "Oh well, why not. Something strong, if you've got it." A short foray through Diana's book-cases turned up a bottle of rum and one of tequila which she had probably brought back with her from her stay on Shadow Earth. I found a suitable glass and poured Deirdre a healthy slug of tequila, which she downed in one go. I refilled the glass and left the bottle on the table beside her. As for myself, I didn't feel like indulging in the stronger stuff just yet.

    I sat down in the chair that Adrian had occupied earlier on and silently regarded her for a few minutes, watching as the smoke she exhaled drifted and became a frame for her face, only to drift and disolve away and be replaced by the next breath. My mother. Even though she had told me her story, she still was much of an enigma to me, and that one moment of intimacy that we had shared back then had never really seen a reprise. How much did she know of the things that had led to this night's tragedy and how much would she be willing to tell me? And where should I start? I was uncertain which question to ask first, fearful of the possible answers I might or might not get.

    Deirdre took another sip of tequila and suddenly slammed the glass down hard on the table. "After all that trouble I took to warn her," she hissed through clenched teeth. "She simply must adapt. She has to!"

    "Or else?" I asked softly. Her head snapped up and she regarded me fiercely.

    "Do I have to spell it out? Listen, you know just as well as I do that you need certain requirements to survive in a Family such as ours. Up till now Diana has shown little or no sign of meeting those requirements. If we're not careful the whole Family will want to lay their greedy hands on her. They'll want to examine her. Whatever is going to happen to that daughter of yours, this has got to remain strictly our own business, do you understand?" I nodded, but deep down I felt that my definition of `our' and `us' might prove different from hers.

    Deirdre heaved a deep sigh and took another drag on her cigarette. Although many of my Elders have this habit of smoking, I've never much cared for it either way. Not that I have any deepfelt dislike of it or something like that, I just never acquired the habit and somehow the prospect of continually lugging a pouch of tobacco around seemed too much of a bother anyway. However, seeing my mother smoke her cigarette like that made it clear to me how much postering and appearance one could achieve with such a mundane little thing. Fortunately Diana kept an ashtray around, though.

    Exhaling a plume of smoke in one long continuous breath, Deirdre casually turned back to me and asked: "Incidentally, did you happen to have had any conversations with Caine lately?" Alarm bells suddenly went off in my head, but I managed to keep my cool.

    "The last time we exchanged any meaningful words together was when the two of you first showed up in the Courts," I replied, meanwhile casually keeping a sharp eye on her. I could have been mistaken, but just for a moment I got the feeling that this was just what she had wanted to hear. Why should she not want me to talk to Caine? It wasn't because of any fear of what we might do to one another if we really got into an argument, otherwise she would have warned me explicitly to keep out of his way. No, this silent contentment with the way things were between him and me and that calculating look earlier on were part of something else altogether, and I didn't like it. It had an air of secrecy to it that made me instantly decide to have a talk with my uncle as soon as he would have regained consciousness (if, there was still that if), and preferably without her knowing about it.

     To hide my intentions from Deirdre I just stared ahead for a minute or two and then sighed: "How did it ever come to this?"

    "She underestimated the whole matter," was Deirdre's stern judgement. "I warned her about what would happen if she failed to meet the required demands. Do you know what she said to me? She told me she simply couldn't take it. She couldn't take sleeping with men whom she didn't care for at all. And she had problems with the fact that the act left them dead." Deidre snorted and took another drag. "It isn't as if she has much choice in the matter, is it?" I felt faintly sick. I simply had had no idea that things were as bad with Diana as Deirdre had just described them to be. Her lovers were all killed by the Curse? Oh, my daughter... No wonder she couldn't stand it.

    "What was the last time she assuaged her needs?" I asked softly.

    "I don't know. As long as she was with Algo, things were okay. Everything was fine and he didn't ask her any questions."

    "But he also didn't feel any strong ties to her," I added, knowing my cousin's frivolous lifestyle.

    "No, he didn't," Deirdre concurred. "From what I've gathered he was away sometimes for long spells and he was in the habit of regularly taking new lovers when it suited him. That sort of thing. It seems that after leaving Algo she spent a while roaming through Shadow. I tried to talk to her when she returned to Amber and we ended up having a fight." I frowned, but said nothing, yet she noticed it and said: "You think I've been too hard on her, don't you? Well, let me tell you, I think that I haven't been hard enough for her own good. It is either sink or swim in this business, and if she is so determined to sink I'm not going to drag her out against her will." Slowly I nodded. In a way she was right, but from what I had just heard and from what I knew about Diana I felt that she would never really be able to swim on her own.

    "So I shall have to help her," I said.

    "She has to do it herself," Deirdre said forcefully. I shook my head.

    "She can't do it."

    "Then you have to get her to the point where she can. She has to be able to survive independently."

    "I shall keep her afloat," I said, sticking to the metaphor, "at least until we can find her a decent life-buoy."

    "Look," Deirdre said wearily, "it's not like I don't care about her, but I've seen too much." The hint of despair creeping into her voice made me study her face more closely. Yes, she was tired and weary and frustrated and even a bit helpless. And there was that fear that if Diana really went round the bend, the whole story of the Curse would somehow have to come out, making her and all of us an easy target for anyone who would want to take advantage of the situation. I gave her one of my comforting nods, acknowledging her feelings and hopefully putting her a little bit more at ease. The hint of a smile briefly danced over her lips.

    "Do you know that I envy you in certain ways?" she said. "You can afford to have so many more emotional ties." I frowned and couldn't help from lightly shaking my head. "Oh," she hastened to add, "I don't mean that you can forego on the usual caution or anything. It's just... Oh, never mind."She heaved a deep sigh and turned her head away in frustration.

    "I know what you are trying to say," I said, "and I do hope to maintain at least a certain special bond with all of my children."

    "Yes," she replied wistfully, "that would be nice." She put out the sad remains of her cigarette, gulped down the last of her tequila and looked around. "Well," she said, "I think I'd better go." As she rose from her seat the sense of sadness that surrounded her became too much for me.

    "Wait," I said. She turned and looked at me blankly. I struggled for words, but the right ones just wouldn't come. "Look," I finally said, "I too would want us to be closer, but there is still so much that we don't know or understand about one another. It makes things so complicated." Oh damn, why couldn't I just say what I really meant? Annoyed I turned away, unable to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes, but a moment later I felt her hand on my shoulder.

    "I know," I heard her whisper. We held one another for a while, our only way to express our true feelings, I guess. Language is sometimes the biggest curse of all.

    Yet even in this moment of closeness there had to be a certain reserve. I had already noticed that I could pick up the influence of the Curse in Deirdre simply by being close to her, but actually touching and holding her conveyed to me the strong constraint within her, the immense control she continually had to exercise over her own feelings to keep them in check. I realised that this was part of our problem too: if she ever allowed herself to feel too strongly about anyone, the emotion might turn against her and erode her control over the effects of the Curse. I guessed she had been right after all in her slight envy of me, for I was not nearly as restrained by it all as she was. I continued to hold a just a bit longer than was actually comfortable for me, seeing as how the feedback of our touch began to stoke the flames inside both of us, but I really wanted to convey this feeling to her that I did care about her whatever would happen. As we disengaged I could faintly make out the glitter in her eyes that indicated that she too could not avoid the occasional tear.

    "I'd like to wish you all the best of luck with Diana," she said.

    "Thank you," I whispered. "And courage to you too. Who knows," I added with a weak smile, "I might yet surprise you all." Deirdre returned my smile and quietly left me alone with my sleeping ward.

    Feeling a bit down and out, I located the bottle of rum and poured myself a hefty dose. It was clear that I had severely underestimated Diana's problems and it was hard to suppress the feelings of guilt that started rearing their ugly heads. I knew that Deirdre herself had asked me to leave matters in her hands and that keeping a certain distance between me and my daughter had made sense at the time, but that didn't disguise the fact that everything had gone so horribly wrong. If I had known earlier that things were this bad, I would have urged Taureth to make greater haste with his experiments on finding a possible cure for our disease. As it was I would probably be taking Diana to him as soon as possible, both to get her away from all the prying eyes here in Amber and to give Taureth a live test subject. No, that sounded too harsh; what I meant was that with her around he would probably be able to learn more about the ins and outs of the Curse than he would without her.

    And speaking of Taureth, I realised that I had once again let an opportunity slip by without telling Deirdre about him and the help that he might hopefully be able to give us. The longer I kept this from her, the bigger the chances that she would be really angry once she did find out, yet despite our intimacy just then I was still rather apprehensive of letting her in on the whole thing. Whether I was more afraid of the possibility that she and Caine would just completely reject the solution because of the person involved or that they would try and take full control over the procedure instead I couldn't say, but neither of these possibilities seemed particularly far-fetched to me. No, I would rather not tell Deirdre than have her mess up everything that I had worked for.

    What about Caine, though? She had said that he was going to make it, but how badly wounded was he? And when would he be able to see me, I wondered. This matter did have some urgency, for how much time could Random afford to let go by before starting some official investigation? That was something that none of us wanted, so I figured that Caine would be wanting to have a word with me as much as I with him. Still, it didn't hurt to make him aware of my intentions, so once again I silently slipped away from Diana's chambers to make my way down to the infirmary. At first I was surprised not to see any guards posted near the doors, but Gerard's presence inside explained a lot. He looked determined to spend the night there, much like my own intentions to stick close to Diana. When he saw me enter, he put aside his book and rose from his chair with a serious and slightly calculating expression on his face.

    "How is he?" I asked him, not needing to specify whom I meant.

    "He'll come out of it," he replied. I nodded as if to say that that was what I had expected. "He lost a great deal of blood," Gerard continued, "and some of his internal organs were damaged." Hmm, nothing that a true Amberite in good condition wouldn't be able to survive. Could have been much worse.

    "How's your daughter?" Gerard asked, a question I would undoubtedly be hearing a lot the next few days.

    "Asleep," I said. "I had them administer a drug to her in the hope that she would be less hysterical in the morning."

    "If you'd rather have her stay here in the infirmary..."

    "No thank you, I'll manage." Gerard looked a bit doubtful at my glib response, but he didn't press the issue. I guess he knew all about wanting to keep one's business in one's own hands.

    "Would you pass on a message to Caine as soon as he wakes up?" I asked. "Please tell him that I would very much like to have a word wth him, and that I shall keep myself at his disposal till he feels up to it."

    "I'll tell him for you," Gerard said neutrally. I was glad that he didn't ask for any explanations or elaborations, for there were none that I would be able to offer him. I bade him goodnight and once again returned to Diana's sitting room.

     There were no further visitors during that night, and sometime during the umpteenth game of patience (suits, no Trumps) the rum and exhaustion must have got the better of me, for halfway through the night I dozed off. My dreams were all disturbing visions of people wielding knives: Diana, Deirdre, Caine and myself. The roles of attacker and victim kept switching around, however, until finally I was the only one left without a blade and the others kept stabbing and hacking away at me, making me drown in a sea of my own blood. That was when I woke with a start, blinking at the cold morning light that streamed in through the window and with a nasty crick in my neck from my uncomfortable sleeping position in the chair.

    Bleary eyed and sporting a slight hangover I got up and walked over to the bedroom to check up on Diana. She was somewhere halfway between sleeping and waking, and as I sat down on the edge of her bed she opened her eyes drowsily to see who it was.

    "Hmm? Dorian?" her voice came softly. There seemed to be no trace of the madness that had entirely held her in its grip the night before.

    "Yes, it's me," I said. "How do you feel?"

    "I had the strangest dream."

    "What about?"

    "Well, actually I dreamt of stabbing Caine in the back." She smiled slightly as if to emphasize the silliness of such a thought. "You were in it too," she continued, "trying to stop me."

    "Why would you ever want to do a thing like that?" I asked. She shrugged.

    "I was simply very, very angry with him. Oh well, never mind... It was only a dream. It's good to see you again." I sighed as she took my hand and squeezed it. It would be tough to break the reality of it to her, especially now that she seemed so happy and relaxed, but I had simply no other choice.

    "Diana," I began, "it wasn't just a dream."

    "What do you mean?" she asked, searching my face for some sign of this being a sick kind of joke on my part, but finding none and growing more fearful by the second.

    "Just like I said, it wasn't a dream. It really happened." Diana's face turned quite pale and as she turned her gaze away from mine her eyes flitted over my torn and blood-stained shirt. She just barely managed to suppress an urge to be violently sick.

    "Oh," she said weakly.

    "Yes. You were quite hysterical."

    "Yes, I must have been."

    The silence hung between us like a veil that I knew I had to pierce, so finally I asked: "Do you have any idea what made you do it?"

    "It... It was all very confusing... I..." She started shaking her head and somehow her movements became more agitated.

    "Hush," I said, putting my hand on her shoulder, "easy does it. Caine is still alive. He has been badly wounded, but he will make it." My words helped to bring her at least some relief; by the look of things she had no designs on finishing her job. I let her settle down a little before I continued: "I have spoken to Deirdre."

    "What did she tell you?"

    "Quite a lot," I said with a grimace, "that made it plain to me that she simply doesn't understand you. I do have the feeling, however, that I too am to blame in certain respects." As I regarded her lying there amidst the stark white sheets she seemed a lonely little bird fallen from her nest into a field of freezing snow. If only I could get it through to her that I was here to help her. "I thought that I was doing the right thing by staying away from you," I said, "but I'm not so sure anymore."

    "I don't know what is best for us," she sighed, "but I do know that I just can't take it anymore." I nodded gravely.

    "If you would let me, I would very much like to help you," I whispered. She stared at me for a while, then I saw the slightest of nods. Through both my hands, one on her shoulder, the other clasped in hers, I had been sensing the power of the Curse within her. Now that she was fully awake it began to rear its head for real, and I felt that she would soon be caught in the same turmoil that had taken control over her the night before. I slowly raised her hand to my lips and kissed it lightly, then I said: "I'll be right back." I got up and made sure that the door to her apartment was well locked and barred; we really didn't want anyone barging in on us for the next few hours or so.

    So, I once more made love to my daughter. I found that she had indeed changed a lot; she had become more experienced and at the same time she had developed and sharpened certain needs. The feedback caused by the presence of the Curse in both of us was so strong that it was frightening: her need easily eclipsed my own, making her take more the lead where I had played that part before. It was also quite clear that she hadn't had any lovers for quite a long time, for where the effect of the Curse in me was like a slight hunger, she was undernourished and nearly starving. The drain on my own energy was tremendous, and while I at a certain point felt fully content, she simply needed more and more from me, until I began to fear for my own life. I started to struggle to end our coupling, but that didn't prove to be easy, for physically she was quite a bit stronger than I was, and I had the extra handicap of my wounded arm. After a long time I managed to draw myself away from her, mainly by favour of my experience and mental powers. She wasn't even near to being competely satisfied yet, but I figured that our love-making would at least give her enough control to last her a coule of days.

    Having experienced it firsthand, I could well understand how her Shadow lovers all kept dying in the act, and my heart went out to her. Diana's problem was really much more severe than I had reckoned. Ofcourse, I had some trouble to hide my fear and concern from her, but she was only able to react to that after we had stopped. It caused her a great deal of anxiety, for by now she was perfectly well aware of what the effects on the person having sex with her were, and quite reasonably she was afraid of the way I would respond to this. I took a few deep breaths to get my bearing again, and finally managed a partially reassuring half-smile. I had said that I was going to help her and I would not desert her now, no matter how bad things were.

    "I guess you needed that," I quipped, but my weak humour did not yet enable her to approach the matter lightly.

    "Dorian," she said anxiously, "I don't want them to die. I never wanted this to happen... Algo was so mad at me. He said that I had murdered his friends, but I really couldn't help it. I never meant for any of it to happen." I took her into my arms and held her close until she had calmed down a bit, but I didn't continue our embrace for fear of the Curse sparking up again.

    "So you left Algo," I said, trying to draw the entire story from her.

    "He didn't want me to stay with him anymore. He didn't understand and I just couldn't explain it to him." She looked at me pleadingly. "You know how Deirdre feels about that. I guess she's right, but..." She sighed. "Algo and I got into a fight. He told me I was just like Murlas. He was very bitter over the whole affair. So I left."

    "And after that?"I nudged her gently.

    "I just roamed around from place to place. It didn't help very much, though. They all kept dying so quickly. I never really had the time to get to know them well, to become attached to them. It just isn't fair! It is simply terrible to have to give your body to people you don't care about at all."

    "Shh, I know." I hesitated for a moment, but this was one question that was unavoidable. "What happened between you and Caine?" She was quiet, then shook her head and met my eyes with an imploring gaze.

    "Don't ask me, please?"

    "I have to," I sighed. She held my gaze, until she could no longer hold back her tears.

    "No..." she whispered weakly.

    "Diana," I said, "I have to know."

    "I can't," she replied, still shaking her head. "I don't even want to think about it."

    "I really have to know," I insisted.

    "Not now," she begged.

    "It has to be now," I said, finally losing my temper a bit. "The others will soon come to you with these same questions and you won't be able to hold them at bay quite as easily." I sternly looked at her tear streaked face, but I saw I just couldn't convince her that way.

    "I don't want to talk to them," she cried in distress and broke down in sobs. I sighed and let her cry for a few minutes. This was getting me nowhere, and I really had to know what had brought her take such drastic measures against Caine. I wasn't sure that he was going tell me himself, so I would have to know beforehand, in order to confront him right away with the consequences of his actions. I just would have to coax the information from her in some other way.

    "Listen," I said when she had finally calmed down a little, "there is still hope for us." She quietened down and looked up at me. "In the time that I have been away, I have been searching for something or someone that might be able to help us with our problem. I did manage to find someone and he is even willing to help. I had no idea that things had taken such a turn for the worse for you, otherwise I would have acted upon it sooner." She nodded slightly, rubbing her red-rimmed eyes. "I think," I continued, "that I'd better take you to him as soon as possible, so that he can actually start doing something about our problem, or at least will be able start looking for the right solution."

    "Where is this person?" she asked meekly.

    "In the Courts," I said. She nodded again and succeeded in summoning up a wan smile, as much for her own sake as for mine. This frail piece of hope was just what she had needed, and she clung to it as if it were her only means of existence. A pretty feeble life-buoy, but it would still keep her afloat, if only for a little while.

    "It sounds good," she said bravely. "I hope that it will really work."

    "Let's hope the best of it for all those concerned," I said. "However, I'm afraid that we can't leave here before this matter between you and Caine has been cleared up to a certain extent. This doesn't mean that we have to bring the whole business out in the open, but I do feel that when I go and discuss things with Caine I should at least have been informed of all the necessary details." It was terribly mean of me, but the only other way that I could think of to get her side of the story was to coerce her into talking by using my mental powers, and I hadn't quite sunk to those depths yet.

    However, my current method didn't have the required effect either. Diana let out a soft little whimper and said: "I don't know what it was exactly that was said between us. It's all so very personal... Dorian, you're my real father, but for a very long time he was like a father to me. There are certain things that have been said, certain things that have been done... It's all so very complicated. I don't know what his reaction will be after this, I have no idea, but I think deep down that he will be able to forgive me for what I did. Yes, I do think that he will." She sounded a bit as if she was trying to convince herself more than me. "There was a debt between us, a debt that he acknowledged. Now I owe him, though." She didn't seem inclined to say anything beyond this, and as I already said, I wasn't going to force her.

    "Alright," I said, "let it be for now. You know why I want to know about this."

    "Yes, I do," she replied more firmly, "but I think it would be better if you ask him. If he thinks it's better to keep this between the two of us, we should leave it at that. I owe him that much at least. And if he thinks that you ought to know, he'll tell you." Sigh, so I was once again completely dependent on the whims of Caine. Well, so be it. I just hoped that Caine would be fit enough to talk very soon. I explained to Diana about my requested meeting with him and made her promise to stick to her room and talk to nobody else until we had some idea at least of what Caine's attitude to the problem would be. She agreed to do this, and after having assured her that I would be checking up on her regularly and having kissed her brow (resisting the sharp temptation that any contact of that sort would bring), I left for my own chambers where a shower, shave and a fresh set of clothes were waiting for me. I had done enough for now, and I would just have to wait till the next development came along.

     I had just finished the breakfast I had ordered up to my room (I had one sent up to Diana as well, of course), when a knock at my door announced that I had a visitor. I was surprised and a bit wary when I saw that it was Boadice, but as she showed no direct signs of having any false intentions, I let her in and offered her a chair and a cup of coffee.

    "I'll get right down to business," she said when I had taken a seat on the other side of my little coffee table (better to keep something between us, just in case), "I'm not crazy anymore."

    "Oh?" I said, slightly raising one eyebrow.

    "Alright, I think that I'm not crazy anymore, and I guess that's as much as any of us can say for ourselves."

    "That's true," I conceded, although I privately still had some doubts with regard to her specific sanity. I'd form my own opinion on the matter in the course of this little conversation, thank you very much. Actually, it was quite convenient that she had stopped by, for there were some questions that I was eager to ask of her. "By the way," I began, "what exactly happened to you after we had covered you with that blanket?"

    "You covered me with a blanket?" she asked in return, innocent look and all. Oh, good one. The old amnesia ploy. I'd better see how much of it was genuine, though, to get some sort of an idea of her dependability, or rather her unpredictability.

    "How much do you remember?" I tried again.

    "Let's see..." She scratched her head just as if she was deeply lost in thought.

    "You do remember being on the Overshadow, don't you?" I prompted her.

    "Yes, yes, I do. It's just that in my memory things that I now think are important and things that I then found important..." She trailed of and frowned. "No, that's not what I meant to say. I mainly remember everything up to the moment the scorpions started appearing, but all with rather odd overtones. I have been thinking about it a lot, and my guess is that I was suffering from a slight case of Logrus madness. Or rather fixed Logrus madness. I'm not a hundred percent sure, though." Hmm, despite the fact that she was as vague as ever, it might be true. I knew from Adrian that she had walked the Logrus in its damaged state and the thing could have scrambled her mind alright, but this convenient solution didn't preclude other possibilities.

    "But you're okay now, do you think?"

    "Yes," she replied with a grin. "I feel just like I felt before setting out to the Courts."

    "Well, that's something at least," I muttered. She still hadn't convinced me of her full sanity, but then maybe I was looking for something that had never been there in the first place.

    "You got it," she said cheerfully. "And if I may be so bold, could you please find it in your heart to tell me what was behind that blooming door?!?" Aha, that was the nosy Boadice that I knew and hated so much. If she thought that I would just hand her over the required information, she would have to think again.

    "I'm afraid that it's not up to me to divulge that information," I said. "We came to certain agreements over it and I'm not about to break those agreements." Especially considering the other people involved. I didn't think Murlas would want to tell her anything either, but of course she could always try.

    "Is there nothing at all you can tell me?" Boa asked with a disappointed, but not reproachful expression.

    "Alas, no. We shall have to do a great deal of research anyway, before we'll be able to bring this thing out in the open." She gave me one last pleading look, but seeing I was adamant she shrugged and relaxed. This wouldn't be the last of it for her, I knew that, but for now she had done what she could. "It's good to see that you came out of it okay, though," I said. "You had us worried for a while when we weren't able to find you anymore."

    "Thanks anyway," she said, just the slightest hint of surprise in her voice. "Oh, by the way, I simply love those children of yours." I smiled, yet the word children immediately brought Diana back to mind and the thought of her problems made my smile turn sour.

    "Thank you for looking after them yesterday night."

    "Oh, it was no bother. There is a rumour going around that they can shape shift to cats; is that really true?"

    "Oh yes, it's quite common where their mother hails from." She nodded and drank her coffee. We chatted a bit about trivial things, and somehow I found myself actually enjoying her light conversation. Since I had nothing better to do but wait for a summons from Caine, I ordered another pot of coffee up to my room to extend her visit. Perhaps this was the way to deal with relatives, by just making social calls now and then with only occasionally a remark or question that probed a little deeper. From my attempt at a conversation with Adrian last night it was clear that the strong bond that we had aimed for was simply not manageable in Amber. We had got to the point where all of our secrets and personal problems kept us from saying anything meaningful to one another, and having never really needed and so having never acquired the art of small talk there was no way to break the depressing silence. Boadice, on the other hand, was the queen of small talk, and I found that when she was not actually trying to stick swords into me or have me eaten by a swarm of scorpions and spiders, she could be very pleasant company. Just the thing I needed to keep my mind from straying over darker things.

    During the course of our conversation I casually reminded her of the Trump that her boyfriend Gran had borrowed from me, at which she immediately Trumped him and a moment later she handed it back to me. Since Gran was also a Trump artist, with the Logrus repaired he could once again start making his own deck. Briefly I wondered whether the two of them had met through some inter-Shadow Trump society or something, but thought it a bit too personal to ask. There was something on a more general note that I wanted to ask her, but it would bring us closer to the darker stuff. Still, it was something that in last night's hustle and bustle had managed to slip by me completely, and I felt that I needed to know.

    "Maybe you can bring me up to date," I began. "I heard a strange rumour that something bad nearly happened to Ruby last night. Do you know anything about this?"

    "Hmm," she said, looking pensive, "I was with you and Caine when it happened, but I have been told that Llewella actually tried to assassinate little Ruby. She's said to have been under some sort of outside influence, and luckily Alexander was there to prevent the attack. There are wild rumours galore, of course."

    "It never rains but it pours," I smirked and she nodded in return. Although I would never want any harm to come to Ruby, this attempt on her life was rather convenient in that it would draw some attention away from the Diana and Caine extravaganza. Of course, I too was curious about what had put Llewella up to committing such a ghastly deed, but I neither had the time nor the inclination to dig into it myself. I guess I would have to rely on people such as Boa to keep me posted.

    "And it seems that things have been so very quiet around here while we were in Chaos," she sighed.

    "Appearances can be deceiving," I said. "Sometimes there's quite a lot going on which only much later on will start bubbling up to the surface."

    "You mean like with Diana and Caine?" she ventured.

    "For instance," I said calmly. I had expected her to bring the matter up sooner or later; it was inevitable given her curiosity. "I talked to Gerard," I continued, "and he was reasonably positive about Caine's chances of making it through. I told him that I wanted to talk to Caine personally as soon as it was convenient, since I think I'm the appropriate person to mediate between him and my daughter. Until we've had that conversation, I can't really say anything else about this, except for the fact that it is a very personal case." She nodded, and I hoped that she had got the warning that was there in my words: if she decided to delve into this business after all, she would run the risk of going up against all of those involved.

    "Whoops," she suddenly said, "I just remembered something. I really ought to have a word with Adrian. If memory serves me well, he too walked the Logrus in its damaged state."

    "And you think that he might have been affected in much the same way as you were?" I asked with a frown.

    "He could have been," she asserted, "although according to Gran nothing is really certain where the Logrus is concerned, and with It having been in the state it was there is simply no precedent. Still, you never know. Did you happen to speak to him lately?"

    "He came round last night and we talked a little, but I didn't notice anything odd about him. Not that that means anything." Boa nodded with a lot of conviction, as if she meant to say that crazy and sane were not that easily determinable in a person. I guess she ought to know.

    "Perhaps I should talk to Bleys as well," she mused. "He too walked the Logrus." Hmm, was I the only Amberite not to have walked the thing? The thought of someone like Bleys not being in his right mind was quite a scary one, however, and I spent a few moments trying to gauge all the implications, before finally giving up. I hoped that Boa was mistaken in this at least, for all our sakes.

    "So how are things in your dukedom?" she suddenly piped up. The question caught me quite off-guard, for I hadn't been back to Ayland since my first visit there.

    "Well, or so I believe," I managed. "I left someone in charge of my affairs back there, and I haven't heard any complaints, so I gather that things must be going well."

    "Don't you just love those dukedoms? Did you know mine was wizard infested?"

    "Yes," I said, remembering and smiling, "I heard the story before."

    "Oops," she quickly said, "let me assure you that whatever you heard, I was far more stylish than they made me out to be. Those warrior types just went and messed up my beautiful plan by just completely ignoring it. But I'm building things up again, slowly. I think I'll apply for a grant for underdeveloped areas."

    "It might be worth the try. It seems there are other people also in need of some assistance in that area." She immediately caught on to whom I was referring: our dear cousin Murlas. During their march on Amber the army of pink golems had just waltzed right over his duchy of Garnath, completely demolishing his castle in the process. As far as I knew he had not made any effort yet at rebuilding.

    "Did you see him at the party yesterday with Samal?" Boa asked, sticking to the topic of our dearly beloved cousin. "Don't you think that they make an interesting couple." Automatically I returned her grin, but at the mention of Samal's name I immediately became rather wistful.

    "You know," I said, "I think those two really care very much for each other."

    "Oh, I wasn't implying that they didn't," Boa quickly returned.

    "I know, and I didn't mean it like that. You're right, though, to flaunt it like that in a place such as Amber, they're really rocking the boat. As far as I know all those old laws of Oberon's reign still apply."

    "Hmm, granddad Oberon... Well, you know what they say: if you can't find happiness with a woman, what you're looking for is probably a man." I couldn't suppress a burst of laughter when I heard that. "Oh," she quickly added, "you never heard me say that, did you?"

    "Say what?" She returned my all too innocent grin with relish.

    "Ah, l'amour!" she exclaimed. "I'm thinking of marrying Gran, you know, only he hasn't asked me nicely yet. I think I'll be old a grey - well, grey - before he will finally get down on one knee in front of me, with a rose in his hand and everything, instead of merely wondering whether it wouldn't just be convenient if the two of us got together in a more permanent union." She sighed, but to my ears these were only trivial problems. It was not as if there was really any doubt in either of our minds about Gran's devotion to her.

    "I'm sure he'll come round to it one of these days," I said reassuringly. Boa didn't seem altogether convinced, but she left it at that for the time being. We chatted a bit about this and that and exchanged some general court gossip before she stood and announced that she had to go. For once I was sorry to see her leave, but I realised that our next encounter might be very different once again. She was as complicated as any Amberite could be, I guess, and for a moment I wondered what she really thought about me. How did the others see me anyway? Moody? Cheerful? Secretive? Helpful? Clinically insane to have so many children in a place like this? I shrugged and concluded that I would probably never know.

     After Boadice had left I decided to stay in my room until I heard news from Caine. Pleasant as her company had been, I had a feeling that my other relatives would have me repeat all the answers to the same old questions again and again till the King's birthday. Given the choice I'd rather take the peace and quiet any day. So I spent some hours practicing the lute, composing strangely intricate mournful ditties, until sometime during the afternoon a servant arrived with the news that Caine had finally regained consciousness. Well, this was it. No more beating about the bush, no more excuses or evasions, this time we would be getting to the bottom of it. If only it would be that easy...

    At the infirmary Gerard was waiting for me. He told me calmly that Caine had also thought the matter urgent enough to require his direct attention, but I could sense that he was a bit angry and it wouldn't have surprised me to learn that they had been in quite an argument over this. As I stepped inside Gerard left, and this time he made it quite clear that he wasn't happy with the arrangement.

    Caine lay in the only bed currently occupied, propped up against some pillows, his black hair and beard contrasting sharply with the white sheets and his own pale skin. Wounded and weakened though he may be, his eyes still had that familiar suspicious glint. He gestured me to pull up a chair, which I did, making sure to keep a certain discreet distance between us. When I had sat down, he didn't say anything, but kept regarding me steadily, as if he was expecting something from me before we could really start. I was already quite nervous, but his attitude made me feel even more uncertain of myself, and I distinctly felt that he was enjoying my discomfort. Just for the briefest of moments, however, I sensed something else, as if that enjoyment were just a cover, but then it was gone.

    "Gerard tells me you're going to make it," I said, trying to provide an opening.

    "I'll keep turning up like the bad penny that I am," he replied, his voice soft but steady. Then, sternly: "Aren't you forgetting something?" I couldn't for the life of me imagine what he wanted me to say or do, so I just gave him a blank look. A bit exasperated he said: "How public do you want this conversation to be?" He made something like a sweeping gesture of the whole room, and finally I caught on. He knew of course of this method of securing a room from Deirdre and had undoubtedly heard from her that I had acquired this trick as well. However, ever since I had found out about the Pattern's direct interference in the Courts and Its ability to listen in on conversations anywhere where Its power was used, I had refrained from using this ability, first because I had had secrets to keep from It, later because I simply had wanted to use It as little as possible. Caine was right, though, and I guessed that in this case it would be better to have the Pattern as a sole observer instead of the entire Family and anyone else so inclined. So, I wove my web of magic and secured the room against any eavesdroppers, giving Caine a `happy now?' expression when I had finished. He ignored it and remained silent, apparently lost in thought. Amidst my mixed feelings I once again struggled to find some sort of opening line to start this conversation off, but he beat me to it.

    "How is Diana?" he asked. I sighed.

    "What shall I say? She's not doing well, that much is clear. With a little help she has managed to get a good night's sleep, and this morning we had a little conversation."

    "What did she tell you?" he demanded sharply.

    "Mainly what had happened to her at Algo's," I replied cautiously. I still felt too much like venturing out on unfamiliar territory to be just pouring my heart out to someone like Caine. I got a slight sensation of dislike from him as I mentioned Algo's name. "While her tale provides a certain background to what happened yesterday evening," I said, "she wouldn't tell me what it was exactly that had occurred between the two of you to make her act in the way she did."

    "And it's up to me to clarify the matter," Caine concluded. I regarded him steadily, suppressing an urge to start shouting, demanding, etcetera. "You have a right to know," he said, "but are you sure you want to?" Hmm, that was a tough one, and quite an unexpected question coming from him. I had come here to hear the truth, whatever it would take, but from what he had just said and from the emotions that flashed beneath his cool surface I got the impression that there might be things among them that I'd rather not hear. For the first time I realised that I could also sense the presence of the Curse in him, even though we were still a few paces away from one another; I guess I had always been able to do so really, but had never before recognized that tension in him as being just that. As this sunk in another realisation hit me: Murlas didn't have the Curse. I would have been sure to have noticed during the time we had spent together on the Overshadow if he had. Either the hereditary rules involved had something to do with it, or it could point to the possibility that he wasn't Caine's son after all. To my knowledge Caine had still not officially acknowledged him as such, but their behaviour towards one another still indicated some sort of blood tie that both felt was there.

    I wasn't here to talk about Murlas, though. I swallowed and said: "Knowledge isn't always something to be desired, I have learned that much. However, deliberately keeping oneself ignorant of the facts is the most irresponsible thing that anyone can do." At the word `irresponsible' Caine's eyes flashed briefly, as if I had struck a certain chord in him.

    "You may not want to believe this," he said, his voice strangely distorted with what could only be described as genuine emotion, "but I would rather want to spare you this burden."

    "We each carry our own burdens," I replied levelly. This conversation was taking a much stranger turn than I had thought possible. For a minute or so he was silent, weighing the possibilities, like how much to tell and where to begin, before making a decision.

    "Diana is very dear to me," he began. "You could say she is the closest thing I have to a real daughter. However, the events surrounding your mother's return have put quite a strain on that relationship. At first she just avoided seeing me, which was understandable. I assume that you think that I would have killed her without feeling a shred of remorse, don't you?"

    "Perhaps not without remorse," I replied levelly, "but you would have gone through with it anyhow."

    "It was a tough decision to make. Believe me, if I would have wanted to make it easy on myself, I would not have gone through the trouble of raising her on my own. Some decisions are not as clear cut as we would want them to be." He turned his eyes directly on me and said: "I think that the Curse is stronger in Diana than it is in Deirdre." Well, that shocked the hell out of me. I knew that things were bad, but this? I felt despair take me in its strangling grip and cursed myself for having given Diana that little glimmer of hope. Before, I had thought that Deirdre and Caine might prove to be the difficult cases for Taureth, because they both had lived with the Curse for such a long time and because the Curse was so much stronger in my mother, but now... I was full of questions, but too confused and distraught to phrase them properly.

    "I had no idea," Caine continued. "I needed more information, information that only Deirdre could give me."

    "But... But how can it be stronger with her?" I finally managed.

    "I wondered about the same thing, of course. Back then we didn't have that much insight in the way the Curse would carry on to our next generation, or whether it would even do so at all." He faltered momentarily and shot me a slightly calculating look. Then there was a light sigh and a sense of inevitability. "Your mother had a theory," he explained, "that the Curse might leave her if she were to have a child."

    Silence settled over the room like an net, and I was caught in it, hearing Caine's words echoing on and on in the privacy of my own skull. If she were to have a child... Suddenly I wasn't a son anymore, a child loved and cherished by his mother, no, I was a receptacle, a dumpster for one of the most vile afflictions conceivable. I looked at Caine's face with an almost pleading expression, hoping to find one trace at least, one sign that he was lying, but finding none. And deep down I knew that he was right. I had never wanted to confront the issue before, but it made so much more sense. Why would someone who suffered from the Curse as much as she did go through the terrible torture of being pregnant? Even in my own case, I wouldn't want to be inconvenienced like that for nine endlessly long months; the Curse would surely drive me crazy. No, there had to have been a  very good reason. And now I knew.

     "Well, she had her child," Caine said, when he saw that I was ready to go on, "and it didn't work. She was quite disappointed as you perhaps can imagine. Your mother is not the most patient of people and the pregnancy was a very trying experience for her. I think you have to take this into account when considering her decision not to raise you herself. There were other reasons as well of course, which she undoubtedly has told you all about, but this also played its role.

    "It was a very unpleasant discovery for me when I found out that your child was also bearing the mark of the Curse inside her. In all the possible scenarios the one thing I had counted on was the Curse not being passed on to her, and now it was there anyway. While I was raising Diana, I was busy doing research on how to bring Deirdre back to us; I had by then a general idea of what I would need to do, but I didn't yet know any specifics. At that early age the Curse didn't affect Diana yet, but I could sense the potential of it inside her. It was overwhelming.

    "Aside from everything else that has happened and the way things have turned out, I fear that your mother has done something that was very ill-advised, and the problem is that she won't admit to it. Diana is mainly the victim of this deed, though. Deirdre doesn't want to talk to me about it, but I've spent a long time studying the Curse and its effects, and although I cannot prove it beyond any doubt, I believe that you would never have contracted the Curse, if Vilcon Harolan had been your true father."

     ...

    I just sat there, completely speechless, thinking that there had to be a punchline somewhere, some part of the joke that I had missed. I kept waiting for Caine's laughter to tell me that he had played his meanest prank of all, but it just didn't come and instead the implications began to sink in. Yes, there was no use in denying it, it fitted too well. I looked up and regarded him with new eyes, the things he had done, the decisions and sacrifices he had made. My father...

    I nodded and tried to remain calm, but my own voice sounded strangely constricted as I said: "That would help to explain why the Curse is so strongly active in Diana."

    Caine heaved a sigh and said: "I knew what the Curse had done to Deirdre. Let's just say that it may have influenced me when I had to make a decision between her and your mother. You know what happened after that. I wanted to have some confirmation of these facts from Deirdre before discussing them with you. At the time it seemed better to me to keep up the same appearances as I had done before, to keep on playing the same role as I had all along.

    "And then we come to my problem with Diana. She was doing very badly, when she came to me to talk. Deirdre wasn't around and things were quite desperate. There were mixed emotions all around, but in the end I decided to help her. Perhaps the initiative came from her, though, but who can tell? Anyway, I told her right away that it wasn't a permanent solution. I knew from my experience with Deirdre what would be required of her and explained it to her, but she just couldn't accept it. Some harsh words passed between us and we parted. Yesterday evening was the first time I'd seen her again since. I absolutely refused to sleep with her a second time. It wasn't right, it wasn't the solution she ought to choose. I turned away and she surprised me." He shrugged and for the first time he smiled,  though it was a bit sheepishly.

    In a way it was a bit ridiculous and silly, I guess: Caine, with his reputation of suspicion and distrust, making a mistake in trusting the one person he should not have. The news that he had had sex with Diana didn't shock me anymore, I found. Perhaps everything that he had told me before had effectively numbed me, but it could also be that I was getting more and more pragmatic about these sort of things. One couldn't afford to be squeamish when it came to the Curse.

    So this was Caine's side of the story. Oddly enough I felt hardly any disbelief; his tale provided me with some of the pieces that had been missing from the complete picture, and now that I had them, I could hardly blame him for the picture turning out differently than I had expected. The only thing I felt sad about was that he hadn't told me all of this earlier, for it had sparked an unnecessary amount of distrust and even hatred in me. But then, if he had told me earlier, I might not have believed him.

    "It's hard not to trust those who we care for, and easy not to care for those who we do not trust," I said to him, neatly summing up both our mistakes. He nodded and genuinely smiled this time. "I don't know whether it's any consolation," I continued, "but it took Diana as much by surprise as it did for you. When she woke up this morning, she honestly believed that it had all been a dream." Caine frowned, looking quite concerned.

    "I don't believe she can continue like this for much longer. Not unless she finds some way of accepting her true nature."

    "I don't think she can."

    "Yes, I know. I would have wanted to spare her this."

    "Well, it's too late for that now. We now have the task of finding some solution to our problem. I have helped her this morning, and I plan on continuing to do so until we find that solution. Now I know this isn't the right way to go about it, but it seems there is no other way."

    Caine pulled a face and said: "There is one other option that you will have to keep in mind, since it will be your duty to act on it." He met my expectant gaze squarely. "You can end her suffering," he said softly.

    Yes, I had seen that one coming. It had been his own solution, the one I had not let him see through to the end. For the first time it occurred to me that the fact that I was Diana's father and as such had a greater say in her future than anyone else might have stayed his hand even more than Sand's presence at the time. Duties and privileges seemed to determine his life in a major way.

    "Alright," I said, "but only as a final recourse. We're not that desperate yet."

    "I know. I only ask that you keep it in mind."

    For a moment we regarded each other in silence and I tried to make up my mind whether or not to broach the subject of Taureth and the possible cure. The irony of it was all pervasive: I had not told Deirdre because I had feared that she would tell Caine, whom I had not trusted. Yet in keeping this information secret I had acted just like Caine himself would have done if he had been in the same situation. Whether it was just a fluke or whether we were actually more alike than I had thought I did not know, but his story had changed my opinion of him sufficiently to consider letting him in on the secret. The thing that finally clinched it was his extensive knowledge of the Curse, which might significantly help with Taureth's own research. And with Diana's condition speed would be of the essence.

    "I don't want to give you any false hope or anything," I began, "but a solution to our common problem could be closer than you think."

    "Please elaborate," he said, looking very interested.

    "Well, do you know anything about the Sisters?"

    "Yes, I did," he said with a hint of a frown, "I heard something about them quite recently."

    "Some time ago I more or less inadvertedly rendered a service to one of them, for which she was very grateful. She was able to sense the presence of the Curse in me, but she didn't have the means to take care of it herself. However, she promised to put me on the trail of someone who might be able to, so I followed this trail and found the person in question."

    "Who is this person," Caine asked, "and do you really think that he can deliver us from the Curse?"

    "You've already met him. It's Taureth, Ornach's eldest son." He nodded as if he had expected something like this. "Whether he will really be able to help us remains to be seen, but he is willing to try in any case."

    "I think I would very much like a chance to exchange some ideas with him," Caine mused.

    "My original plan was to let him do some research first and then have him practice his theories on myself. That was before I became aware of the poor shape Diana is in."

    "It would be a good idea in any case to get her away from here as soon as possible," he commented. "If we agree to keep this matter private, the rest of the Family won't have any right to interfere." That sounded like the best option; we certainly didn't want a Family tribunal looking into Diana's behaviour, did we?

    "It will still have its consequences, even if we do this," I said. Caine didn't look very happy at that. I realised that it would be very bad for his reputation if it seemed to the others that he had refrained from seeking some form of retribution. And there was another problem: as I had already noticed from Gerard's behaviour towards me earlier on, this assassination attempt, if left unresolved, would almost certainly generate a great deal of tension between the elder and the younger generations. Our Elders would become much more suspicious of all of us, and I had the feeling that it wouldn't take long before more blood would flow. Already there was the case of the duel between Adrian and Bleys, for instance. No, something would have to be done, and perhaps it was up to me to do it.

    "I don't know whether this is a good idea or not," I ventured, "and maybe I'll come to regret it later on, but should it be necessary I'm willing to take full responsibility for Diana's actions and offer a full public apology to go with it." Caine sized me up thoughtfully.

    "Personally," he said, "I wouldn't want to do that to you, but from a purely political standpoint it may be the best way of keeping the general feelings from running too high and ensuring that no one will delve into the matter too deeply. Of course I would take great care to present them with my most offended and arrogant side," he added with a slight smirk. So we were decided. This would undoubtedly raise quite a few eyebrows both in Amber and elsewhere, but if this was the sacrifice that it was going to take to keep things from going completely down the drain, then so be it. Besides, I felt that I owed this much to Caine at least, even if it were only for the fact that he had finally come clean with me.

    "There's another thing," he said. "You may want to keep a close eye on your other children, especially the girls. Maybe Taureth's research will come to nothing, and in that case you will have to prepare them in time for what is going to happen to them." I looked pained, but he was right in this. Another reason to hope that Taureth would be successful.

    "There's still another problem," I said. "Deirdre. I talked to her last night and I got the impression that she didn't want me to have this conversation with you." He frowned angrily. "So, I wonder how she will react when she hears about my little visit to the infirmary. On top of that, I haven't yet informed her of Taureth and his possible solution." I did not explain to Caine why I hadn't informed either of them before, but I guessed that he would be able to figure that out for himself.

    "One of the problems with Deirdre is that her self-control isn't as firm as it should be. It isn't really surprising, of course; in a way it's quite understandable, but that doesn't change the fact that it's quite annoying as well. Patience was never her strongest suit. Somehow I have always found that my research went a lot more smoothly and efficiently when she wasn't around. So, I think that she will get to hear about the results when they are actually there and not before that, don't you?" I smiled, although I couldn't help but feeling a little bit sad at having to keep some secrets once again. I couldn't be helped, though.

    We agreed that I should take Diana to the Courts right away and then immediately return to Amber for the apology. After that we would both travel to the Courts by different routes, so people would not suspect us working together. We discussed the public apology a little further as well, or rather how to organize things with Random. There were two possibilities really: either I could take it up with Random myself, or Caine could do so for me. Both had their consequences, however. The former would be construed as a sign of magnanimity; it would mean that I fully admitted to having been in the wrong, and it would probably go down well with people like Benedict and Gerard. The latter, on the other hand, would make it seem as if I were very reluctant to admit guilt and would only do so to avert some fate that was even worse. This latter option would be the way Caine would handle things himself, and after some deliberation I too selected it, not because I was trying to get on Caine's good side, but because it best fitted our earlier attitudes and behaviour towards one another, and as such would arouse the least suspicion.

    Finally, when everything had been decided and I was ready to go, we shook hands.

    "Well," Caine said, "just in case I really am your father, I cannot say the prospect offends." I nodded in my new-found understanding of him.

    "We seem to be more alike than I would have though possible," I said.

    Before I opened the door to the infirmary and left, I lowered the Pattern shield around the room and made certain to put on a half angry, half thoughtful expression. As I turned to go I saw that Caine's face had reverted to the arrogant mask that I had come to know so well. I guess I would never quite look at that face in the same way again.

    Gerard frowned suspiciously at me as I stepped into the corridor and immediately went to see whether Caine was still in one piece. As if I would even get it into my head to try something that stupid. I sighed and headed straight for Diana's apartment. It would indeed be best to resolve this matter as quickly as possible before anything else happened.

    Suddenly it struck me, the one thing I had not realised and that had failed to crop up in our conversation: if I was indeed Caine's son, then Murlas wasn't my cousin, but my brother! I guess there was another face I would never be looking at in the same way again.

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