Chapter 108: Mental Homes

"He who cracks the mirrors and moves the walls

Keeps staring through the eye-slits

Of the portraits in my hall.

He ravages my library and taps the telephone.

I've never actually seen him

But I know he's in my home

And if he goes away,

I can't stay here either.

I believe… er… I think….

Well, I don't know…."

A Louse is not a Home - Peter Hammill

“Pain and pleasure are the twins

That slightly out of focus spins

Around us as we finally realize

That everything that gives us pleasure

Also gives us pain to measure it by,

And in order to survive."

Ship of Fools - The Residents

"I want you to tell me how long you've known about this," Diana said, "and why you haven't told me before." We were back in her private quarters in Ornach Ways, having Trumped there after I'd located Taureth and her at the breakfast table in Galoria. Part of me was particularly eager to hear more from Taureth on the ritual he'd devised, but this conversation with my daughter was one that I couldn't and didn't want to shirk any longer. She was upset and had every right to be so.

Diana had changed quite a bit, I realised. No longer the timid, well-mannered girl I'd first escorted back to Amber, but a cool and hard woman, with more than just a hint of cynicism too. Suddenly I was struck by her strong resemblance to my mother. She didn't have the same air of continual nervousness that hangs around Deirdre like the cloud of smoke from her ever-present cigarettes, but I guess a few hundred years with the Curse would have that effect on anyone. In a way Diana's marked change also reflected the shifts and changes in my own life, and during our conversation I couldn't help but look at her with a kind of wistful nostalgia Circumstances had made both of us grow up much faster than anticipated.

"The fact that Lothair is out to get Ornach is something I've been aware of for a longer while," I admitted with a sigh. "I first got word of this right before I started working on a cure for Fiona, for which I had to remain completely incommunicado. As a matter of fact, I've only been back for less than a day." Had it really been so short? It felt like ages. The fact that I'd still not got any sleep could have something to do with this.

"The other part," I continued, "the one about the nature of the Archai is something I only heard about from Murlas last night, after the party. So," I added with a wry, commiserating smile, "I know all too well how you feel." For I too had the feeling that various people had known about this for much longer without bothering to tell one of us.

Diana frowned silently and I waited for her to phrase her next question. "So now what do you think of my engagement?" she finally asked. "And no politics, please. Just tell me how you feel. It will help me to figure it out for myself, I think."

"Well," I replied, "actually I don't think all that much has changed. I mean, sure, this new information does turn everything upside down on a large scale, but on a more basic level I feel things tend to stay remarkably like they were before. You know very well that I never had any reservations about Taureth, only about his father, Ornach. This new information only helps to put my doubts into perspective, but it doesn't really change the way I feel about the marriage. It's not like the whole marriage is now suddenly completely out of the question…"

"But?" she asked softly, holding my gaze unflinchingly.

"But I do want to talk to Ornach before we proceed any further. I've asked Taureth to arrange a meeting for me. I just want to learn more…" I sighed a bit frustratedly. "More about Ornach's own thoughts on the matter, I guess. Whether he approves of the marriage or not. How much of the truth he has revealed to Taureth, if any. For I've got a strong suspicion that Taureth knows next to nothing about this whole Archai business."

Diana nodded. "You're right," she said, "I believe that he's completely unaware."

"That's why I didn't want him in here right now. I just don't think that we should be the ones to tell him."

She nodded again and glanced away, looking pensively. "We've spent quite a bit of time talking about the marriage," she said, "more or less going over all the possible complications in advance. It really was the sensible thing to do, since anyone could see there were going to be a number of objections, and I know that Taureth only wanted to ask you formally for my hand after we felt we'd covered everything. But none of this Archai stuff ever came up. We talked about Chaos and Amber, about making choices and about loyalties, but nothing at all was said about Lothair, or about Ornach and his family as completely different beings from…"

From us, she wanted to say. Yes, that part was hard to get to grips with, especially for her, I guess. In the end, though, I wondered how much this would really matter on the level of personal relationships. After all, Janice had effectively proved that 'mere' Shadow beings weren't all that different from us Amberites. So did we in turn really differ that much from these Archai?

"That's just why I want to talk to Ornach about all of this. This isn't something that he can hope to keep from Taureth indefinitely." I shook my head wistfully. "That's not the only reason, though. Let me be honest about it: I just don't like Lothair. More than once now I've been forced into a position where I didn't have a choice but to oppose him, and if I think about what's happening in Amber right now… No, with everything he's done he's set himself up to be my enemy, plain and simple. I didn't choose for things to be this way. He did. However, as I've said to Random, it doesn't automatically turn Ornach into my friend and ally. So, that's another reason for me to want Taureth to arrange a meeting."

"But if everything we've heard is true, and Ornach confirms it all, what are you going to do?"

"What do you expect Ornach to confirm to me?" I asked in return. "The fact that Lothair is out to get him? I don't need his say-so to know it is true."

"What about all the other stuff about the Archai?"

"Well, what about it? The fact that they're so-called 'higher beings'? That they're more powerful than us? That's something we've been suspecting all along." I sighed. "Listen, all this new information, it keeps coming at us in little bits and pieces, and frankly most of the time I don't know what to believe anymore. However, I do know how I feel, and I know that I am not going to forbid you to marry Taureth. It's all very well that I have to give my formal permission and everything, but it's your marriage, and I feel you should be the one to make the final decision. However, I also feel that you should be able to decide in full knowledge of all the facts and the consequences that your marriage could have. Just as I feel that Taureth ought te be able to make those same decisions for himself." In the end for me it all boiled down, as usual, to trust. I trusted Diana. I trusted Taureth. And that was all there was to it.

"Taureth has told me about his first wife," Diana mused. "Not in full detail, just some general remarks, what she was like and things like that. His first marriage was quite a long time ago, after all. Although Taureth may not know the truth, he is aware that he and his family are rather unique in the Courts. His first wife was from a more regular Chaosian family. They were quite happy together, he told me. Still, she did die." And he hadn't been able to save her. The thought remained unspoken, but I'd also heard the story.

"Of course, the risks involved are something you ought to consider very carefully," I agreed, "especially because of Lothair."

"The danger means little to me," she said firmly, with a determined look in her eye that reminded me more than ever of my mother. "But I do want to know what I'm getting myself into. Maybe it would be best for you to be very direct with Ornach and ask him right away how much he has told Taureth. It should be clear to him that if he doesn't tell Taureth about all of this soon, I certainly will. Whatever Ornach thinks, Taureth has at least a right to know about the current rumours concerning him and his family."

            "All too true. Don't worry, I'll be sure to point out to him how many people already know about this. If he doesn't tell Taureth, and neither do we, he's bound to hear it from someone else one of these days. But before it comes to that… Taureth tells me he's developed some kind of ritual that might counter the Curse."

"Yes,"she said, visibly perking up with this change of topic. "He's been working on a theory and he says that he's found a way to direct your healing energy to affect the Curse in the rest of us. He hopes it will be enough to reduce our problems or maybe even solve them altogether, but he has also warned me not to be over-optimistic. In theory the ritual should have a long-lasting effect, but he can't fully predict whether it will be permanent or not."

"He mentioned as much last night,"I said, smiling, "and he certainly seems hopeful enough. I've already told Caine about this too, and the both of us have decided to make this our top priority for now. We haven't told Deirdre yet, though."

"You mustn't!" Diana said vehemently. Taken aback by her own reaction, she added: "Not yet, anyway. I mean, Taureth has told me and…" Uneasily she squirmed around in her chair.

"And it eats away at you," I added.

"Yes!" she cried, both happy to be understood and frustrated with her own impatience. "If we were to solve this…" She sighed. "It would make such a difference. It would be such a release. I'd be able to find some rest, restore my inner balance. It might finally be possible really to think about all these other matters, and perhaps even act on them." I understood all too well. Even though at its worst the Curse for me had been but a fraction of what she and Deirdre had to endure, I remembered what it felt like and how it would slowly drive you crazy. The thought of the existence of a possible cure… No, it was indeed much better if we didn't involve Deirdre just yet.

Getting wearily to my feet, I walked over to Diana and put an arm around her shoulders, just to give her an encouraging hug. Well, if anyone would be able to help us, Taureth was the one. "Come," I said, "let's go and see what's he got in store for us."

We found Taureth in his laboratory, naturally, and he proved quite keen to explain his theories. For my part I was happy to have him, just talk for a while, never mind the fact that I wasn't quite able to understand all the details. The basic idea was that since my Curse had somehow been reversed during the Cardane incident, its energies were now in effect the direct opposite of those of the regular Curse. Theoretically speaking, the two opposing forces should be able to cancel each other out. Taureth's ritual would, therefore, simply constitute him drawing a great and sudden burst of energy from me and directing it towards those still suffering from the Curse, thereby hopefully quenching its hunger in one go.

So much for the theory, for there were still a few practical hurdles to be taken. For one, and quite crucially, the whole ritual depended on me being able to provide enough energy for Taureth to work with. In other words, I had to be completely in top condition and fully charged, so to speak, and even then Taureth was reluctant to treat more than one case at a time. He argued that if he had to spread the energy over more than one person, it might easily spread too thin and would then probably only give some very temporary form of relief. As it was, he still wasn't sure whether the ritual as he had planned it would be sufficient to help either Deirdre or Diana completely, although he didn't doubt that they would benefit from it. Perhaps it would decrease the level of intensity of their Curse, bringing it down to the same level as Caine had or as I had had. The younger children would be the easiest to treat, but Taureth recommended that we should not even attend to more than one of them simultaneously. He'd rather have some power to spare than run the risk of running out halfway through the ritual.

My task, aside from resting and recharging, would be simple: I just had to supply the power and channel it to Taureth, who would craft it along the right lines and into the right shapes, which he would then channel to the person being treated. He felt that his theory on directing the power flow was sound, but just to be on the safe side he suggested that we'd try at least once to establish a suitable link before we would essay the entire ritual. Right away would be best, for if things didn't go as he had anticipated he might have to make some further alterations to his theories. In a worst case he might have to change his entire approach to the problem, meaning that we would have to wait quite a bit longer before he could actually stage a first ritual.

Taureth calculated that one ritual, including all the necessary preparations and me resting in between, would take approximately one day. So, nine patients, nine days. Damn, that was much longer than I had counted on. I suggested using a fast time Shadow to stage the entire thing, but while Taureth felt something could be arranged to speed things up, he also cautioned against a time differential that was too great compared to standard Amber time. He explained that from a Power perspective the so-called fast time Shadows seemed to whirl around like vortices, and their instability was prone to interfere with any magical energies. In other words, haste makes waste. On the other hand, Taureth had heard enough to know that Amber was in a right awful mess, so he could understand why I wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. One possibility he raised was not to treat everyone all at once, but he did point out that I was crucial for the ritual, and if anything were to happen to me he wouldn't have any immediate way of treating those who still had the Curse. So I'd better be careful…

When asked, Taureth said that he would like to have Caine be the first one to undergo the ritual, since he had the most 'standard' version of the Curse. That is, he was the only one who didn't suffer from the extremely powerful version that Diana and Deirdre were both subjected to. Yet Caine's Curse had developed to its full potential, unlike in the case of the younger children. With Caine we had the best chances of succeeding, and if things did work out with him, Taureth would be able to learn enough to deal with the other cases. The one problem would be to convince Caine to go first. I explained that I had already informed Caine of the recent developments, and in light of his reluctance to tell Deirdre right away we reasoned that he would at least be willing to undergo the ritual before she did.

Taureth felt confident that, should Caine's treatment prove successful, the children would not be a problem either. The only possible snag might be that since the Curse was (hopefully) still dormant in them, it would be difficult to gauge the level to which it would ultimately grow in each of them individually. This would mean that it would be similarly difficult to measure how successful their individual treatments might be. If there were any cases among them that in maturity would reach the same level of severity as Diana's or Deirdre's, the treatment might prove insufficient, which we would only find out about much later. Irregardless of this warning, however, I didn't think it a good idea to wait with their treatment until they would be fully grown, especially in these troubled times.

The first thing to do before approaching Caine was to test the power link, as Taureth had suggested. Although I was very, very tired, and although I had spend most of my energy on Boadice earlier that night, I still had a little spark left that might just be enough for this little test. We moved to a comfortable sitting room, where Taureth placed three chairs in a rough triangle, two of them facing the third at its point. This third chair was his, while Diana and I sat down in the other two. He held out his hands, inviting us to take one each, and indicated to me to start and direct the little energy I had left towards him. As I did so, I could see the tell-tale soft orange glow appear around our clasped hands, and immediately I could sense him start to weave it into tiny little strands which he guided towards Diana. It was like a gossamer net of orange lines which he draped around her, the glow more muted now because of my lack of power.

It took only a few moments before I ran out, but it proved to be enough for Taureth. He nodded and said that he would only need to make a few little adjustments. Meanwhile, the softly glowing net had lingered momentarily around Diana before seemingly sinking into her skin. She shivered with obvious pleasure and sighed. Looking at me with an expression as if she'd just reached the heights, she told me that if the ritual proved to be bogus after all, she wouldn't mind me doing this kind of thing to her on a regular basis. Both Taureth and I had to smile at this, sharing a peculiar fondness for her.

This first part behind us, I figured it was time to call Caine. Trumping him took a bit of effort, but he had been waiting for my call and was ready to come through right away. Of course, he had to think a while about our suggestion that he'd be the one to go first. It was very difficult for him, I knew, because this, again, was a matter of trust, something that to him didn't come natural at all. Still, when I silently indicated to him that we'd come too far to turn back now, he nodded and immediately wanted to know when we wanted to stage this first ritual. Trust may be hard for him, but duty wasn't.

I really needed a bit of resting before we got started, though, and my energies were now also completely depleted, so that would take me another few hours at least. It also raised the delicate question of how I was going to do the recharging. I mean, I was sure it would be pleasurable enough, but to get me to my full potential, and not once but nine times in all, required a rather large number of volunteers. This didn't prove to be a problem, though, for Taureth already had some connections from the arrangements he had had to make for both Caine, Deirdre, and Diana while he had been doing his research. It wouldn't be too difficult for him to set up a place in a Shadow that was roughly, say, four times as fast as Amber, and supply it with plenty of willing and able people to keep me happy and brimming with power. The four times Amber rate was about as fast as he dared to make it; it would be twice as fast as time was currently running in Ornach Ways.

We talked a bit more about the order in which we were going to treat everyone, and finally we decided that we should first try Caine, Deirdre, and Diana, before drawing up the balance and seeing to the children. Our experiences from these first three rituals would probably teach us more on how to deal with the young ones anyway. I asked Caine, though, at which stage he was actually planning to involve Deirdre. He frowned and thought a while, finally deciding that if his treatment was successful, Diana would be next. If for some reason the ritual would not have any measurable effect on Diana, he firmly stated that Deirdre would never hear about any of this. His eyes were hard as he said this, brooking no objections. Solemnly, we all agreed.

Having decided all we needed to decide, Taureth quickly took me off to a suitable Shadow he knew where I would be staying and resting and regaining my strength in more than one way. The place was near the Courts, but apart from the odd purple hue of the sky it was a regular, humanoid world. Taureth had probably been there before, because he had an entire mansion ready for me. Well, I call it a mansion, but it was really more like an overgrown villa, covering most of one side of a medium-sized hill. He told me to get some sleep while he would make the other necessary arrangements. One thing he did before he left, though, was to place a ward around the Shadow that would block all Trump calls and that would make it almost impossible for me to be located by people on the outside. He taught me a little trick of Shadow manipulation that would allow me to switch the barrier on or off, making it possible for me to Trump him when I was ready. He would be able to use the same switch from the outside, but only because it was his ward to begin with. In any case, he still needed to bring the right people back here, so he needed to have the access. Finally, he told me that he would make certain these people would know exactly what was expected of them. It might diminish the sense of challenge and excitement, but it would allow us to move ahead more quickly. And I needn't worry, these people were professionals, and they would not be working for a Major House if they were not good enough.

I slept fitfully for a good number of hours, and when I woke I felt reasonably rested. The air coming in through the open balcony window was warm and sweet, with a pleasant meditteranean feel to it. Taureth had apparently provided some clothes for me, but I settled on just a short terry bathing robe, which was both warm and decent enough for my purposes.

Strolling through the mansion towards the kitchens and some well-deserved breakfast, I found myself studying the various individuals that Taureth had summoned to populate the mansion while I slept instead of the magnificent building itself. They were lounging around in rooms and hallways all over the place, casting sly glances or pretending a studied indifference. They were shape shifters one and all, and although most of them had basic humanoid features, there was quite a bit of variety too, with some of them having some distinct animalistic traits which made them seem like some exotic crossbreeds. There was a tendency towards the brighter colours too, shading hair or fur or skin. There were women and men of various apparent ages, and some whose proclaimed gender wasn't clear at first sight, either because of no apparent signs or due to some combined traits of both genders. Some were already naked too, although they hardly outdid the ones who were dressed when it came to looking lascivious and enticing.

Smiling pleasantly at them all, I suppressed my rising urges for the moment in favour of a more usual form of sustenance. There was pleasure to be had from eating, as well as from cooking, as I now remembered while I busied myself in the kitchen. Somewhere along the way I had skipped at least one meal, maybe even more, so I was feeling more than a little hungry. For a while, therefore, I had little attention to spare for those individuals who wandered by to present themselves, having only eyes for my culinary activities. When I was ready, I loaded everything I'd prepared onto a tray and took it back to my room, where I knew I could eat undisturbedly. No one would enter uninvited.

While eating, I reflected that Taureth's schedule of one ritual a day left lots of time for me to rest and sleep. He'd calculated that I would need some six hours of sexual activity to reach my peak potential, after which a further two hours of meditation and relaxation would be needed for me to retain the energy in its prime form. I didn't know about the ritual itself, but from his wanting to use a sudden burst of my power I'd say it wouldn't last too long. The rest would be down time, just eating and sleeping. I'd probably need it too, I guess, if I was to stay fit and healthy.

After my meal I drifted off for another hour, but then it was time to get down to business, enjoyable as it might be. Turned out I didn't have to go far to look for volunteers. Stepping out onto the balcony to get a breath of fresh air and enjoy the wonderful view down the hillside and over the lush little valley below, I spotted a woman on a nearby balcony looking at me. She had distinctive bird-like features, most striking of which was the azure crop of feathers crowning her head. We regarded each other for a few moments, before she crossed the distance with a nigh-impossible leap, landing on my balcony railing with the grace of a trained gymnast.

Things quickly proceeded beyond merely watching, and when we were joined by a woman shape shifter of a feline persuasion some time later things really got interested. However, I'll leave it to your imagination to conjure up some suitable images and I'll skip a blow by blow account. Although I haven't shirked going into details on my sexual pursuits before, this time I shall forego such narratives. Truth is, pleasurable as these hours were, they are not the focus of my tale and they were rather overshadowed by later events. Suffice to say that things more or less continued in the fashion I just hinted at. Other people would come and join us, and some left again after a while, but I never had any trouble keeping myself occupied. Gradually, I felt the energy level rising, and after some five hours had passed I sensed that it had reached its peak. It would seem Taureth had erred a bit on the safe side with his schedule and calculations. I spent the final hour not trying to reach another climax, but just enjoying the pleasures of touching and being touched, kissing and being kissed. It was a good way to shift into a more meditative state of mind, which I especially needed since the built-up  of energy was making me feel more nervous and jittery..

Finally, I withdrew into my bedroom, dismissing everyone for awhile, and I started to prepare myself for the ritual ahead. Aunt Fiona's lessons came in quite handy here, and I was soon able to attain the right mental state that would allow me to keep the power at its peak without the risk of it either coming to an unexpected burst or merely seeping away. When I felt as ready as I could be, I got my robe, dressed again, and started arranging some chairs in the same triangular configuration we'd used earlier.

Taureth was ready for my call, and it took him but a moment to inform Caine and come through to me. I'd closed the doors and windows, drawing all the curtains close to keep out prying eyes. In the ominous gloom we each found our seat, and Taureth signalled that he was ready to begin. Gingerly, I began to channel the power through our linked hands, careful not to give him too much all at once. Taureth's expression was one of calm concentration, as the orange glow appeared again, much brighter than the last time, and he began to weave it into the right shapes. I realised that what he was doing was indeed quite similar to the Power weaving I did when for instance construcing my Pattern barrier. When we had first tried the link, I had been too exhausted to pay attention to the details of what he had been doing, but now I watched closely, fascinated by the way he wove the energy into tiny, interconnected strands of light. There were fewer curves and flowing lines this time, and more straight angles, reminiscent of the tracery of a computer's microcircuitry. Perhaps this reflected the final adjustments that he had been making.

            I looked beside me at Caine, who at first glance seemed very calm and collected. I'd come to know him better than that, though, and I knew this was only a mask. He too was tense, staring fixedly at Taureth and the weave of orange power that touched his hand and began to creep up his arm. Even though he had been touched by this power of mine once before, he seemed less than eager to let it affect him again. Perhaps it wasn't the power that made him uneasy, though, but the trust he had to place in Taureth.

            Seconds ticked by and nothing seemed to be happening very much. I was still carefully channeling my power to Taureth, and he was still shaping it in the right form, but that was as far as we got. Looking at Taureth, I mentally asked him what the problem was. As if I needed to have asked. It was Caine. Taureth quickly communicated some images to me from which I gathered that Caine had to throw himself completely open to the ritual's healing influence if this was going to work. Taureth had realised that this would be a problem for Caine, and they had spent some of their preparation time working on it. However, while he had managed to convince Caine of the necessity of him lowering his mental barriers, it now turned out not to have been enough. Caine wanted to cooperate, he really did. I could tell as much through these individual contacts we had with Taureth. He was trying as hard as he could, but his private barriers, this carefully constructed mask of utter calm of his, had become such an inherent part of him that he was simply unable to tear it down.

            Looking sideways once again, I softly began to speak to him. Calmly, reassuringly, I told him it would be okay, that he was safe, that he could trust us. This only caused him further frustration, for the rational part of his brain was very well aware of all of this, but so far it had not been enough to help him to break through.

Taureth was starting to get worried, I sensed. With the amount of power at his disposal, he might be able to force his way through Caine's barriers, but he was very, very reluctant to do so. First of all, it would constitute a kind of mental rape, and no matter how good our intentions were Taureth was unwilling to sink to that kind of level. Also, on a more practical note, forcing the entry would mean wasting a lot of precious energy, which might not leave enough to complete the ritual properly. Damn, this was getting us nowhere!

Taureth indicated that he could think of only one other possible solution: a direct mind link. Problem was that I would have to do it, not him. That way, he could both keep a certain professional detachment and stand ready to act the moment the barriers would come down. Well, I hadn't wanted to try this approach with Fiona, but luckily Caine wasn't quite as powerful as she was and at least part of him was trying to cooperate. He was an Amberite, though, and this was still very dangerous, but he also was my father. Forcing an encouraging smile, which he didn't seem to notice at all, I reached out my free hand, crossing the gap between us, touching his own.

Establishing the contact was easy enough, and I dove deeper down into it, entering the lanscape of his mind. I found myself standing in a bleak and barren wasteland. The sky was a swirling mass of grey and black clouds, but from where I stood there didn't appear to be any wind. A large and sinister-looking mansion loomed up before me. It looked old and in ill-repair, with peeling paint and large cracks in the masonry. The windows on the ground floor had all been boarded shut, but some panes on the upper floors had been broken, adding to the forsaken image. All the doors were closed and gave the impression to be locked and barred on the inside. So, this was Caine's mental existence. I could have wished for a more cheerful locale.

Tentatively I walked up to the large, forebidding entrance and tried, against better judgement, to open it. No luck, but in the eerie silence I heard some scuffling sounds at the other side of the door, stirred by my rattling of the handle. I started knocking and calling out Caine's name, so he could tell by my voice who it was. Seconds passed and turned into minutes, with no reaction, so I knocked again, asking him loudly to open the door please and let me talk to him. Finally, after my third or fourth try, I heard a rattling of keys and locks, and cautiously the door was opened to just a crack. Gleaming in the non-existent light, I could see there was still a chain that barred me from entering.

Well, at least, I could see Caine's shadowy figure as I peered through the crack, and I would be able to talk to him directly.

"Look," I said, "you need to let me in. You know you do. Everything depends on this." He just stared silently back at me, and I sensed him even shirk back a little, as if opening the door had been a mistake.

"No," I said, angrily, "don't. You can trust me. Please. You can. Just let me in. I don't want us to lose this chance. We've been working so hard for this. Just let me help you." I leaned forward a bit too eagerly, clutching at the door, and I must have frightened him off, because he quickly shook his head and moved forward, slamming the door shut in my face.

Cursing myself, I stepped backwards and heaved a sigh. I had been coming on too strongly, and now I may have ruined it altogether. However, then it struck me that I had not heard the sound of locks clicking shut or bolts sliding into place. I might still have a chance.

I leaned my head forward against the cold, hard door and said: "I'm sorry. This isn't easy for you, I know. But…," I faltered and swallowed. "Father, I don't want to lose you. The Curse is eating away at all of you, and though it might at times seem no more than a burden, it will destroy you in the end. Please, let me help you." I heaved another sigh. This might be about getting to Caine's inner workings, but I was pretty much pouring my heart out here too.

A soft click, suddenly, and I felt the door slowly being opened. The chain was still there, but Caine's face was closer to the crack. He appeared as cold and expressionless as always, but this close to him I sensed his great fear and sadness.

"It's alright," I whispered. "It's only me. I just want to help you. I've failed once before, with Adrian, thinking there would be time and opportunities enough. And there weren't. He was my friend, and I couldn't save him." I closed my eyes and sighed. "You did save me once, though. You may not remember, but it was in Cardane when I was struggling to put an end to that living Shadow storm I had created. It was twisting everything inside me, turning my worst fears, my most hateful vices against me. It would have won too, and I wouldn't have been the same, if it hadn't been for you."

I looked up, staring deep into his eyes. "You were lying there, wounded, and I sensed you. I… sensed your love for me. And it pulled me through. It was the one spark I needed that kept me from succumbing to the darkness within myself. You are my father. We've both more than accepted this. Now it is time for me to help you."

The sadness deepened in his eyes, causing slight wrinkles in his otherwise waxen face. He wanted to let me in, he really did, but he was so very much afraid.

"What is it you fear?" I asked gently. "We all have our very private, darkest secrets, the ones we wouldn't want anyone to see. I know. I have mine too, and they're a good deal darker than you'd suspect. I don't know what yours are. I could venture a guess, I suppose, but I find I don't really care. I just want to help you, and for that, father, I'd gladly risk my own life and sanity. Please, let me in." I reached out my hand through the narrow crack, aware that if fear overcame him now, forcing him to shut the door on me again, I risked some serious injury. Of course, these were all but mental images, but wounds or injuries would be translated appropriately.

Caine just looked at my hand for a moment, shaking his head. Then, with trembling hands he reached out and momentarily clasped it, pushing it slightly back so he could close the door just enough to release the final chain. He stood back as the door creaked open and I cautiously stepped inside. I gave him a relieved smile, but the sadness in his gaze told me that this wasn't enough yet. It was only the first hurdle.

The hallway was dark and cold and gloomy. The only light was that which was filtering in through cracks between the boards, playing eerie games with the dust particles floating through the air. I looked at Caine again, questions forming in my eyes, and for the first time since I'd established the contact he spoke. "Upstairs," he said. "You'll find him there. You'll have to go alone, though. I can't come with you." Although I didn't know who he was referring too, I gave him a quick nod and started up the stairs. Whatever was waiting for me there would be the next hurdle, I guessed.

As I climbed the stairs, Caine's form was lost in the darkness below. At the same time, I began to hear the noises. First whispers, barely audible, of many voices, followed by a girl's indistinct cries and a man's harsh grunts. Suppressing a shiver, I climbed on an on, trying to ignore the haunting sounds. A true mental house of horror, this was.

I found him at the top of the stairs, just as Caine had said, huddled miserably against the railing, hands clasped tightly over his ears. The noises had not exactly grown louder, but they seemed more penetrating here, and it was hardly possible to ignore them. As I stopped in front of the boy, no more than ten or eleven years old at most, he looked up at me, fearfully. His hair was dark and unkempt, his skin was rather pale. He obviously had been crying.

"I couldn't make it stop," he said, apparently not needing an introduction. "She called out, and I wanted to help her, but…" He shook his head in sad despair. "I just wasn't strong enough," he sobbed.

He reminded me so poignantly of my own sons, of Vilcon, Nicholas and Dennis. No little boy  should ever feel so sad and desperate. I sat down on the step beside him and put an arm around his shoulder. He shrank back momentarily, but the need for comfort proved greater than his primal fears, and crying silently he let me hold him. Softly I whispered to him that it was alright, that he ought not blame himself. There was nothing that he could have done, and he would be there for her later on, I assured him. He would become her pillar of strength. But for now he just had to endure.

The sounds still came echoing down the corridor, like the insistent scratching of iron nails over a blackboard. The boy Caine looked up at me and said: "We have to go there." I accepted this without question. I didn't know what was expected of me, but I was now firmly established as a character in this mental drama. Perhaps I was just a guide and observer, perhaps I had a more active role to play. Whatever the part, I would play it to my best abilities.

"Let us go then," I said to him. "Together."

He still looked quite fearful and distraught, but he needed only a little coaxing. Gingerly he got to his feet, and with my hand firmly clasped in his he led me down the long, dark corridor towards the source of the harrowing noises. The sound didn't change in pitch or volume, but he knew very well where to go. When we came to the door, however, he faltered again, shrinking back against me as if he wanted to disappear into the folds of my cloak. I put my free hand on his shoulder and gently turned him to face me.

"I know," I said to him, "I know you're afraid. I am too. But we shall help one another. We have to be brave, for her. So we can help her later." The fear in his eyes nearly made him bolt and flee, but even this younger version had the strong sense of duty and loyalty that I'd come to know of my father. He heaved a great deep sigh and nodded, closing his eyes.

Turning back to the door, he reached out for the handle with the hand that was still clutching mine. I put mine over his as he clasped it and gently made him turn it. The door opened with a creak and for a moment there was nothing but darkness beyond.Then suddenly there were flashes of images, short and sharp, kaleidoscopically shooting by in front of us. Images of a girl, just a few years older than the little boy beside me, being raped and sexually mistreated in every way imaginable by a man, who didn't show her any mercy. Every flash showed us some further detail of her suffering, some further sign of his depraved lust. Even though I had more or less expected something like this, the sight shocked and disgusted me more than I had anticipated. The boy beside me clutched at my hand, trembling and whimpering, but he didn't look away. The scenes rapidly escalated, and the sounds we had been hearing before grew to a crescendo, ending with a prolonged shriek from the girl, which was abruptly cut off and the whole scene faded to black.

We just stood there in the darkness, the boy and I, holding each other for as much comfort as we both needed. Finally, after some ages of shared sorrow, the boy looked up at me once more. He didn't say aything, but somehow I sensed that it wasn't over yet. Curiously, I looked around. There wasn't anything else in this room, but through the gloom I could just make out a door at the other end. The boy glanced in that direction too, but immediately looked away, mortally afraid.

"This isn't yet finished, is it?" I asked. He shook his head, tears streaking down his face. "We have to go on, don't we?"

"I don't want to," he whimpered miserably.

"I understand," I said, stroking his hair in an effort to console him. Whatever it was that was waiting for us behind that door had to be even worse than what we'd just seen, or he wouldn't be so afraid. And I had a feeling that it had been a very long time since this door had last been opened. "Come," I said, gently, "You're not alone. I'm here with you. And we have to go on, for all our sakes."

He shook his head more vehemently this time, but at the same moment he was clenching his fists, and I sensed that he was trying to screw up just enough courage to continue. I really didn't want to push him an more than I had to, so I patiently waited for him to find some spark of inner strength. It was hard, very hard, but in the end he took my hand again and jerkily led me to the second door. Again, we turned the handle together, my hand resting on his in comfort, and again the door creaked open to reveal only darkness. I swallowed, more than a little fearful myself of what we were about to see.

Suddenly, there was the crack of a whip, and the images started flashing once more, searing scenes of violence and cruelty onto my retina. The same man as before - I knew who he was - but this time it was the boy himself who was the victim, being subjected to the most horrible kinds of beatings and lashings. For the first time I truly felt a broken shard of hatred pierce my heart. This was too much, this couldn't have been caused by the Curse alone, these had been acts of pure malice, and I hated the man for it. Then there was another string of images, thankfully shorter this time, of the boy being sexually assaulted just as his sister had been. I got the impression, though that this had not happened as often, and the images were soon replaced once more by the more general acts of cruelty.

Unable to stop the tears that were now streaking down my own cheeks, I looked down at the huddled figure beside me, to be horrified by the sight of the bruises and welts that were appearing upon his body. It was as if each beating, each lash of a belt, each strike of these fists, was being reflected on the boy beside me, as he was forced to relive all the cruelty that had been inflicted on him. And it seemed to last longer, much longer, than the earlier scenes with his sister. It ended in much the same way, though, with the sounds reaching a fever pitch of screams, but when the images stopped in total darkness the boy beside me was still screaming. I swept him up in an embrace and together we cried and cried.

From a great distance I vaguely heard a voice say: "Yes!" Then the whole world exploded around me, and I felt a great pull as the energy I'd been hoarding was drawn from me in one prolonged flash. For one bief moment I was aware of being back inside my own body, seeing the crying figure of Caine in the chair beside me being engulfed in a net of flame, but then it all went black before my eyes.

When I awoke, I was alone in my bedroom in the mansion. I checked the clock and found that I had been out for some ten hours at least. My robe was on the chair beside me and someone had also thoughtfully left me some bread and wine. I drank deeply and tried to find some point of balance. Physically I felt none too bad, I guess, but the mental strain had been far worse than I had anticipated. And this had only been the first one.

As soon as I felt a bit better, I got out my Trumps and called Taureth. I sensed a bit of relief from him when he saw me, and I quickly assured him that I was more or less okay. "What about Caine?" I asked urgently.

"Well, the good news is that the ritual appears to have worked," Taureth said, with just a hint of a satisfied smile. "The Curse has been neutralised in him, and I'm fairly sure it's permanent too. However, the complications we were confronted with when he was unable to drop his own mental barriers have left their mark on him." He frowned and hesitated slightly, before adding: "He has been crying continually, ever since the ritual ended. Diana has tried to talk to him, but to no avail. I've temporarily put him in a private room in the Ways. I think he'll be able to get over it, but it's better if he does so on his own, so we just have to leave him be for a while."

I wanted to object, seeing the image of the crying boy before me again, but I checked myself. Taureth had some experience at least in such matters, and with his professional manner he was better able to judge these things than I was. Even though the thought of my father crying all alone hurt me more than I can tell, I would do as he recommended.

"Alright," I said, with forced cheer, "I'll rest and recharge, and then I'll call you when I'm ready. I trust you and Diana will be making suitable preparations." He nodded reassuringly and broke the contact.

After having eaten, I just lingered on my balcony for an hour or so, needing the extra time to prepare myself for the business at hand. It was harder to get into it after the things I had seen in Caine's mind, but there were plenty of people available, and each had their own approach, their own way of giving me pleasure. They sensed my mood too and gave me tenderness and affection instead of the earlier games of tension and measured cruelty.

It helped a bit, although at first another feeling began to gnaw at my heart: the feeling of not being able to share this with someone I truly loved. There had been Suzanne, there had been Diana, there had been Wylde, but for a long, long time now there hadn't been anyone new. I still tended to choose my sexual partners while being guided by the instincts that the Curse had originally awoken in me, and though I liked them one and all, there was always something missing. Briefly, the image of Janice's typical half-smile, half-frown flashed before my eyes, but I quickly dismissed her from my mind and concentrated on the man I was actually with. My feelings for her were still a jumble and though our last conversation had been a hopeful one, I didn't want to think about her in that way quite yet. It was love I felt for her, yes, but it was still small and fragile, and I was afraid of acting too rashly and shattering it before it had a chance to grow.

Slowly, under the careful ministrations of my present lovers, I became able to forget about my worries and to concentrate on pleasure and release. It didn't have the tension and excitement of the first session, I suppose, but it served its purpose. Later, as I went through my private meditation cycle, I realised that it weren't only my recent experiences that were bothering me, but also the prospect of having to face the next ritual. True, it was Diana, and she would probably have less trouble with opening herself up, especially since it was to Taureth and me, but anything could happen. We had not really foreseen the problems we'd encountered with Caine either, and so much depended on this.

So, it was with an uneasy sense of foreboding that I finally decided I was about as ready as I was ever going to get and Trumped Taureth. He and Diana came through right away, the latter giving me an encouraging smile that was partially meant to bolster her own spirits. She and Taureth had been preparing as well, she said, trying to get the Curse in the most suitable condition for the ritual. We didn't waste any more time on pleasantries, though, but got down to business right away.

The setting was the same, three chairs with Taureth roughly in the middle, and I knew what was expected of me. So, when Taureth gave me the signal, I again started channeling the energy to him, again looking in wonder at the way he wove the power into tiny strands. With some effort I would probably be able to do the same thing, but only on a smaller scale, for I would both have to supply the energy and simultaneously do the weaving. It could be done, though, with a bit of practice.

The sight of Taureth's glowing net of power circuitry settling over Diana's body brought me quickly back to the present. As I had hoped, Diana had less trouble lowering her mental barriers than Caine had had, although I could tell it wasn't entirely a piece of cake either. However, she very much trusted both Taureth and me, and I think that made the difference. With the weave completely in place, Taureth drew a deep breath and looked at me to see if I was ready. I nodded at him to go ahead.

When he suddenly did open the final link to Diana's Curse, it still came like quite a shock. I had experienced the Curse within myself and I'd felt its overbearing power in Diana the last time we had made love, but to feel it like this, so intensely and directly, was much worse. The only thing I could compare it to was the gaping maw of the living Shadow storm I'd created and destroyed in Cardane. The Curse wouldn't be so easily done away with, though.

The same instant Taureth had opened the link completely, he had also begun to draw more strongly on my energies, and I struggled to keep up with his demand. As the power flowed from me through him to Diana, mental images flashed back through the same link, all dark, all somehow connected with the Curse. I sensed how Taureth was trying to shield me as best as he could, but he could only spare so much concentration and addressing the Curse itself was far more important. The constant bombardment of bitter, painful scenes soon had me crying again. There were flashes of Diana when I'd first told her that I was her father, there was the violent scene of her stabbing Caine in the back, there was the deep despair and disgust she had felt when the Curse had for the first time killed one of her Shadow lovers. There wasn't anything I had not seen or heard before, but experiencing it like this, almost first-hand, was far more intense. Would I have to end up bearing all my relatives' grief by myself?

For me the ritual once again ended in darkness as Taureth dragged the last remnants of power from my system, and this time I willingly dove into oblivion. I awoke, as before, alone in bed. I was perhaps feeling a bit better than the first time, but the difference was but slight. I Trumped Taureth right away, for I had not been able to tell whether we had been successful or not.

"It's more or less like I expected," he told me. "I don't think we've been able to cure Diana completely, but that was always the risk. Her case was so much stronger than Caine's to begin with. However, I think the effect we have achieved is sufficient to warrant a bit of optimism. At the moment, the Curse is dormant in her again, but I think that when it does return we shall find that it has been knocked down a few pegs."

"That's good to hear," I said with a sigh of relief. "Not that I ever doubted your abilities, you know." He smiled momentarily, but it turned into a frown too soon. "What is it?" I asked.

"Do you still want to continue?" he asked.

I thought for a moment. This was turning out to be awfully hard on all us, but it was too soon to stop yet. There was at least one other person for whose sake we had to continue, no matter how hard it might be. "Yes," I replied, "that was the deal. If we were sufficiently successful, we would contact Deirdre. But I see the problem."

Taureth looked doubtful. He too feared that Deirdre would effectively combine all the difficulties we'd experienced during the first two rituals: her mental block would be at least as strong as Caine's, and her Curse was at least as powerful as Diana's. "There's also the problem of getting her to agree to this in the first place," he said. "Caine was difficult, but at least he was trying go along with it. If Deirdre doesn't cooperate, there's no way we can stage the ritual for her."

That was indeed a problem. The strange thing was that for all his suspicion and cold demeanour, Caine had been relatively easy to convince. Trust doesn't come easily to an Amberite, and Caine had a bit of a reputation of being the least trusting of the lot, but I realised that somewhere along the way the bond between the two of us had gradually been growing stronger, and that had made all the difference. To my regret I had to admit that there was no such bond between me and my mother, so convincing her would take a great deal more. There were really only two people I could think of whom Deirdre would trust enough to agree to what we would be proposing, and involving uncle Corwin in this was the last thing I wanted to do.

"How is Caine?" I asked.

"Still much the same," Taureth replied. "I've been to bring him some food and to check up on him in between, but I think it's best to leave him alone until he's managed to pull out of it himself."

"That won't do," I sighed. "We need him right away." Taureth looked at me as if he was about to protest, so I said: "He's the only one of us that could persuade Deirdre to go along with the ritual." Taureth frowned a bit disapprovingly, but he could see my point. "Besides," I added, "we don't have the luxury of being able to let him get to grips with this in his own time. Amber is in a crisis, and if he goes missing, people will start looking for him. And I don't want to have to explain about any of this to someone like Julian or Benedict."

"Alright," Taureth said, "there's only one thing for it then: you'll have to go back in." He was right, of course, both about the method and the person who had to do it. That didn't mean I had to feel happy about it, though.

            I asked Taureth to give me a few minutes so I could get properly dressed and get a bit to eat as well, but immediately when I was finished I trumped him again and came through to the Ways. Quietly he directed me to the room where he had left Caine, but he stopped at the entrance to ask me whether I wanted him to come along too. I shook my head. It was better if he didn't.

The room was stark and white, the only black spot being the figure huddled in a corner. Tentatively I approached, but even if I had been an assassin stalking him I doubt it would have made any difference. He was a sorry sight, eyes puffed up and red, tears rolling uncontrollably down his cheeks, arms pathetically wrapped around himself for comfort. Seeing him like this, I was strengthened in my resolve to help him. We couldn't leave him like this, no matter how much better a slow healing process might be. He was far too vulnerable this way.

Smiling gently at him, I walked over to his corner and sank down upon my knees beside him. I hesitated momentarily, but since he was neither shrinking away from me nor trying to beat me off, I decided to go with my instincts, so I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him. It was just like I had hugged the little lost boy in the haunted house, but I had never actually held my father this way before.

"It's alright," I shushed, "I'm here. You're not alone." He continued to cry, but like the boy before him he grew a bit calmer. "We need you to come back to us, father," I said. "We tried the ritual with Diana, and it was a success. The Curse may return, but Taureth  reckons it will be weraker when it does. And you yourself have been cured completely. But now it is time for mother, and I don't know how to convince her. Only you can. Only you can help her."

He was calmer, I could tell, but the crying didn't stop, and he didn't give any kind of hopeful reaction to what I was saying. I heaved a sigh. Taureth had been right. Time to get to the heart of the trouble.

The scenery hadn't changed while I had been gone. The wasteland was still bleak under the grey and ominous sky. The house was still there too, but the door stood open and the little boy sat weeping on the doorstep. He looked up at me as I drew near, but didn't stir from his spot. I was relieved to see that the marks of the beatings that had appeared on him before had now disappeared again. I tousled his hair for comfort, knowing there was little anyone could do to relieve the bruises on his heart.

I started to talk to the boy, trying to convince him to come to his senses and help us, but it didn't take me long to realise that this wasn't the Caine I needed. "Where is the other one?" I asked, and he pointed through the open doorway. "Wait for me here," I said as I headed into the darkness. As if he would be going anywhere else.

I searched throughout the house, going from room to room, and finally I found him. He was huddled in a corner under the stairs in almost exactly the same position as he'd been in the real world. "Father?" I said, but he just looked at me blankly. So, I told him the same things I'd told him before, about the ritual being a success, both for him and for Diana, and about us needing him now to persuade Deirdre. His face was still a blank mask, but I could tell my tale was getting through to him somehow.

"Look," I said, "it is true that we've been successful, but it hasn't been easy. You know what happened to yourself, but Diana's part was difficult too, in another way. The Curse was so much stronger in her… Now, with Deirdre I think we'll be facing the same problems we faced with the two of you combined. It… It scares me, father. I need you to be there. And mother needs you to be there. If there's anyone she can trust, it's you."

The expression was almost unchanged, but apparently something I had said had had the required effect, for he stretched out his hand and allowed me to pull him from his hiding place. The call of duty was too strong for this Caine to deny. Together we walked back to the entrance where te little boy was still crying. As we approached, he looked up at us with unspoken questions in his eyes.

"We have to help her," the older Caine said suddenly, looking down on his younger self. His gaze lingered a moment longer, then he quickly stepped through the doorway, dragging me with him and slamming the door shut behind us, locking the boy inside. He pulled me along a bit further, stopping some ten paces away from the door. I looked back with a wistful and sad expression on my face. The circumstance may be different, but basically this was just the same as with Fiona. It wasn't my place to tell him how to deal with these issues, but I couldn't help feeling that this was wrong.

"I can't do anything about it now, can I?" Caine said. "Not now…"

"I know," I sighed, turning to face him. "But if you ever do feel up to dealing with it, I would like to help you."

He frowned a typical Caine frown and crossed his arms, striking a characteristic pensive pose. After a while, he shook his and sighed: "This isn't right. It won't do." Suddenly he walked back to the door and opened it. The boy was still sitting there, crying on the doorstep, blinking up at the tall figure silhouetted in the light. "Come," Caine said to him, holding out a hand in invitation. Cautiously the boy took it and got to his feet. Together they walked outside and around the mansion, and curiously I followed them. There were more weeds and shrubs in the back, but underneath you could just make out the contours of what had once been a garden. Cutting a path through the bushes, Caine led the boy to a small summerhouse. It looked dilapidated and in the same state of bad repair as the main building, but the windows hadn't been boarded shut and there were no locks and bolts.

"Wait for me here," Caine said to his younger self. "I shall come back for you." The boy looked around and nodded. "Alright," said Caine as he turned to me, and we were back in the white room. The last thing I recalled was that the boy had stopped crying.

A bit awkwardly and self-consciously, I let go off Caine and we both stood up. For a moment we just stood there, looking at one another, but from the way he turned towards the door I could tell that the old Caine was back. After a fashion.

"I'll Trump Deirdre," was all he said, but in that prolonged silent exchange I had clearly got his message: if I ever breathed a word to anyone about what I'd seen, I'd be a dead man. He clearly wasn't happy that I'd witnessed everything that had been going on in his mind, although he was practical enough to realise that it had been necessary. I'd got the strongest feeling, however, that there had been stuff there that even Deirdre had never seen before. But then she had always been too self-absorbed, I guess.

Before Caine left, I told him about the special preparations Taureth and Diana had gone through for the second ritual. Deirdre would need something similar if we were to have any hope of success. Caine agreed that Deirdre would probably have similar kinds of problems with opening up for the ritual as he had had, but he thought he could persuade her at least to try. Secretly I wished I could have been the one to convince her, but we weren't nearly close enough. Not as close as I had turned out to be with Caine, anyway. Still, it hurt a bit when he told me that it would be better if he was the one helping her to lower her mental barriers and not me. He argued that it would be hard enough as it was, and that at least she trusted him a little. I had to agree that it was the sensible thing to do, but it stung that I was more of an outsider to her.

"We'll do it your way," I said, "but if it should become really necessary, just give me the word and I'll join you."

"Well," he replied, "it didn't get that far with me, luckily, but as a last resort we should consider tearing down her barrier with brute force. I like it just about as much as you do, but it's for her own good. We also need enough mental power to do it, but if it's the only way left I will do it. However, I guess it's better not to tell her this beforehand, or she'll never agree to participate."

"All right," I sighed, "but only as a last resort."

"It's not like I would enjoy something like that," he said. "It's a very violent way of mental rape." As long as we were clear on that.

I left him to deal with my mother, and with the help of Taureth I returned to the villa on the hill for my third round of replenishing my power. When I Trumped Taureth again, hours later, he told me Deirdre had come and that she had finally agreed to take part. Caine had had a long talk with her, and so had Diana. Her situation was so similar to my mother's that it seemed they were the only ones who could really understand one another, a least as far as the Curse was concerned. Caine for his part had explained as much about the ritual as he dared, but he had emphasized the importance of her opening herself up for the power to take hold. He had told her about the trouble he himself had had, without going into details, and she had had to admit that this would be a problem for her too. It wasn't something that she would be able to control completely.

When she came through with Caine and Taureth, she was already a bundle of nerves, as bad as I'd ever seen her. She immediately started pacing the room, lighting up another cigarette. I looked at the others and asked if I could have a private moment with her. Caine shrugged and Taureth simply nodded.

"We're not exactly happy families, ar we?" I chuckled weakly when we were alone.

"No…," she sighed, looking sad and weary.

"I'm not sure why I asked for this moment," I admitted. "There seems to be little that I could add to what Caine and Diana have already told you."

"I understand you've been working very hard to find a solution for us all," she said. "I don't know if this is going to work. I don't know what I will be doing or saying, or how I am going to feel if it should fail after all, but I'm going to try anyway…" She took another nervous drag from her cigarette. I knew what she was trying to say, and I knew it was a hard thing to do, especially for an Amberite such as her. Her being willing to try this ritual was thanks enough for me, though.

"When Flora had imprisoned me in that other Reality…," I began falteringly. "But I never really told you about that, did I?" Suddenly remembering something, I took out my Trump deck and shuffled out one of the cards from the bottom, the one of her that was just a bit different. She regarded it curiously as I told her about that other world, that other Amber that had been so much like our own. And that other Deirdre, so much like her in every aspect, but with no trace of the Curse.

She smiled a bit uneasily and said: "I don't think you could simply turn back all of those years in one go."

"No," I said, "that's not what I… Oh, I don't know. Perhaps I should never have mentioned this at all."

 "Hey," she said, gently, handing the card back to me, "I haven't been the best mother you may have wished for, I know. And if it means anything to you if I tell you this, then I say so right now: I am sorry. I've never really…"

She faltered too, but somehow found the strength to continue. "I also believe that Caine may be your father," she said. "I think I've been afraid to admit it, really. Afraid that I might lose you, you know." She smiled wistfully at me. "It's hard. This parenthood thing hasn't turned out to be what I expected it to be. I've noticed that your relationship with Caine has become a lot better of late. I just hope that ours will stay reasonably well at least."

"Well, it seems a bit strange," I said, "but as far as Caine is concerned, I get the feeling he really listens to what I have to say and takes me seriously, even if it's about the more general kind of Amber business. To a lot of the others of your generation we will always remain just the youngsters."

"Caine doesn't underestimate anyone," she replied thoughtfully. "To him you're part of the Family, with everything that entails. I think the fact that there are certain things that only the two of you share makes a big difference. But what I was really trying to say… I also take you seriously. I'm just too caught up in my own troubles most of the time really to show it, I know. I hope this ritual will help to change this." Her gentle smile turned to a sudden smirk. "Don't go expecting any major changes, though."

I couldn't help but laugh at this. This complete mood swing, out of the blue, was so typically her. "Come here," she said, throwing her fag end out of the window and opening her arms for a heartfelt hug. "We can alway try to make things better, can't we?" she murmured as I held her. Then she broke away again, suddenly all business-like. "Now, let's get on with it."

There were four people present for the ritual this time, but Caine had declined a chair, choosing instead to stand behind Deirdre, his hands on her shoulders. They argued a bit before we started, but in the end Caine won out, so they started with them already being in mental contact with one another. Deirdre was a bit annoyed about this, but Caine had made it quite clear that he realy thought it would be necessary.

Taureth, on the other hand, started by stressing once again that he would be as professional about this as he could. He promised not to peek or pry in her private affairs, but he also explained that he wouldn't be able to block out all the images coming from her once they were in full contact. He would try to be discreet and ignore them as much as possible, but ultimately he could only spare so much of his concentration on this, and he thought the overall success of the entire ritual more important.

"Yes, yes," Deirdre snapped impatiently. "get going, will you."

As soon as we got started, we found that Deirdre was indeed having the same trouble as Caine, just as we had expected. However, she was stubborn and really wanted to try to do this herself, so we got a bit further with her than we had during he first ritual. If I were to use the same mental analogy, I'd say that she had been able to throw open the door to her own mental mansion by herself, but the second phase, confronting the child on the upper floor, proved beyond her. That was when Caine came to her rescue.

For a long, long while neither Taureth nor I seemed to sense any change, but then he gestured at me to get ready. "Now!" he shouted suddenly, and immediately began to rip the power from my body. It hurt, much worse than before, but then the gaping black hole of Deirdre's Curse was also much worse than what I'd seen before. Diana's may have been nearly as bad, but Deirdre had been suffering from it so much longer. It was so powerful that Taureth had no choice but to throw every bit of power at it in one bright burst, being unable to take things more slowly and carefully. That was why the drain on me was so painful this time. I didn't hold back, though, but gave every last spark I had within me.

Things all went very quickly, but before the inevitable exhaustion overcame me once again I was unfortunate enough to get a few glimpses of scenes from Deirdre's mind too. It was a whole jumble of images really, but there were enough that I was able to make sense of. Scenes of her rape at Oberon's hands were still shocking, but I was prepared for these. Her sadness when she had first returned and had found that Diana too had the Curse was new, though, as was the mortal fear she had felt when Brand had pulled her into the Abyss. But the thing that hurt the most was the most personal of all: my birth, or rather the moment not long after when she had realised that her plan had failed. The bitterness she had felt at that particular moment was more than I could bear, and for once I was thankful when the darkness claimed me.

When I awoke next, Diana was sitting beside my bed. Seeing I was awake, she quickly called Taureth and Caine as well, before arranging for a meal to be brought in. Taureth informed me that Deirdre was back at Ornach Ways, recuperating. The ritual had left her in a similarly sorry state as Caine had been in before. As for the result of our efforts, Taureth couldn't be sure, but he ventured to guess that it was about the same as with Diana. However, he quickly added that if there was any case among us where the Curse might return at full strength, it would be Deirdre. The treatment would last her a long time, though, and we would have to wait and see to what degree the Curse would rear its head again. He sighed a bit wearily and explained that in the end he simply hadn't been able to fill the sucking black hole within her completely. With Diana we had come close, and there was still a slight chance that we had totally succeeded, but Deirdre's Curse had just been too strong and there had just been too little power. All in all, however, he felt there was reason enough for optimism and congratulations all around.

Caine still looked rather pale and withdrawn, but he said he was already feeling better than before. Deirdre would be needing some time, though, to recover fully from the ordeal. In contrast with my earlier mental contact with him, his attempt to help her break down her barriers had turned into something of a mental struggle, taking a good deal extra out of both of them. When he sensed that I was wondering why he hadn't asked for my help as we had agreed upon, he explained that he had considered the risk of wasting too much energy if I were to get involved in the mental battle too great. He had already known that every last bit of it would be required for neutralising the Curse, so he had made his decision accordingly and had faced Deirdre's inner demons alone. He didn't go into any further detail about what had happened, but I could tell it had not been easy.

With a sigh I settled back against my pillow. The feeling of both mental and physical exhaustion was so great that I could only tell Taureth that we would wait with the children's treatment, for a while at least. He concurred but added that I shouldn't wait too long before checking up on them. It had been some time since I'd last seen them, and despite the fact that I felt they were still far too young, Taureth warned me that some of them might already be on the verge of becoming sexually active. After all, from what he'd heard Cardane tended to mature rather quickly.

The last thing Taureth told me before he and the others left me to go back to sleep were the ideas he'd had for perfecting the ritual even further. He was already working from the premise that we would need to perform the ritual on Diana or Deirdre at least once more time, and he thought he should be able to come up with some kind of amplifier for my power. It should be something that would either simply magnify it to greater proportions or alternatively that would allow some other form of power to be mixed and added to it, gaining all the characteristics of the basic power. He would have to do a lot of research, especially since we wouldn't be able to use the Logrus, his great expertise, for this kind of thing because of it detrimental effect on the Curse, but he had a feeling it ought to be possible with Pattern too. And with that hopeful possibility in mind, I drifted off.